This is how we deal with shoplifters! | Photo courtesy of Lionsgate
My Bloody Valentine 3-D, directed by Patrick Lussier, may be a remake of the original 1981 horror classic of the same name, but this time around it's a fearless festival of blood, guts and gore, packed with enough explicit sexual content to taunt an NC-17 MPAA rating (though we'll have to settle for an R.) One of the film's most memorable scenes involves a completely nude Farrah Fawcett look-alike running across a sleazy motel parking lot, screaming for help as a pick-axe wielding, deranged miner chases her down and tries to cut out her heart. Sounds too hilariously horrific to be true, doesn't it? And did we emphasize this remake is in 3-D?
Like the original, the story centers around the tiny mining community of Harmony, whose inhabitants are struggling to rebound after a fatal mining accident occurred there ten years prior. The only survivor of the accident was head miner Harry Warden, who awoke from a coma one year later, just in time for Valentine's Day, and sought revenge on those around him using a pick axe as his trusted tool of torture. One of the targets of his revenge was Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles), a novice miner whose father once owned the town's mine shafts. Tom, however, escaped the wrath of Harry Warden and eventually Harmony's local law enforcement took matters into their own hands and put an end to Harry once and for all, or so we are lead to believe.
Run, bitch or you gonna die! | Photo courtesy of Lionsgate
Jump forward to present day where an older Tom Hannigan returns to the town of Harmony on the eve of his father's funeral. He's ready to sell the mining company and say good bye to the memories that have haunted him for the past ten years. Unfortunately for Tom, things don't come easily. It seems the pesky county sheriff, Axel Palmer (Kerr Smith), has married Tom's old high school sweetheart, Sarah (Jaime King), and a love triangle that was buried ages ago emerges once again in true soap-opera fashion. To complicate things, Tom's return is conveniently timed with the reappearance of madman Harry Warden and another killing rampage ensues.
In no time at all, Sheriff Palmer is on the case and enjoying the outpouring of evidence (two words: sex tape). Bloody death after bloody death leads him to conclude that Tom must be responsible for the latest spree, though we're not entirely certain that Sheriff Palmer is as straight-laced as he appears to be. The "who dunnit?" suspense builds and builds until the film's final minutes when we are privy to the killer's identity. While the story slowly snowballs into something beyond comprehension -- the deaths become more violent and the plot lines more ludicrous -- this is exactly what you'd expect to find in a solid slasher flick. The bonus addition of 3-D effects makes it all the more fun to enjoy and begs the question: will there be a sequel? We sure hope so!
