Do stockings make you hot?
Jen Sincero is a sexpert, musician, and the author of the bestselling book, The Straight Girl’s Guide To Sleeping With Chicks and the semi-autobiographical novel, Don’t Sleep With Your Drummer. She currently hosts the weekly sex talk radio show Dr. Happypants on killradio.org. Every week in Living in Sin, Jen provides advice for LA's sexually curious.
Got a question for Jen? Ask her. We promise to be discreet — all questions will be posted anonymously.
Hey Jen, I was wondering where you stood on the pantyhose issue. I know most women dress for comfort, and to hell with what men may or may not think, but, as a guy, I find them incredibly sexy. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Oh dear. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't love to hear my thoughts, but here goes. Before I begin my dissertation however, let me say that I agree with you. Pantyhose look great. They make legs smooth, silky and sleek, and some even provide control tops to squeeze away any unsightly gut blobs.
We heart the hose because our definition of beauty is dictated by our cultural conditioning, and the straight white dudes who run the machine give pantyhose a hearty round of high fives. In the old days, they decided it was all about rib-busting, blackout-inducing corsets. In China, it was foot binding. Today it's boob jobs, tummy tucks, botox, butt lifts and.....vaginoplasty? Has it really come to vaginoplasty?
I really am going to answer your question, but I need you to do a few things first:
1) Chase after a cab in three-inch heels and then wear them for a full eight to ten hour workday. Walk down some steps. Walk up some steps. Stand around at a cocktail party. Walk on grass. Give someone a lap dance.
2) Get your genital area waxed, including your butthole. Do your legs too.
3) Cram five pounds of silicone under each nipple and go jogging. Without a lumbar strap. Or food. Try to sleep in your stomach. Try to roll over.
4) Wipe yourself, open a pill bottle, type, dial 911, make a fist, put in some contact lenses, find something in the back of a drawer, give a kid a bath, change a tire, and eat a lobster with two-inch long fingernails.
5) Wear a thong. All day. When you're already cranky.
6) Wear pantyhose. Control tops. All day. When you're already cranky. And hot.
7) Don't age past 30.
I think women should do whatever makes them feel good and sexy and happy. I really do. It's just a bummer that our version of sexiness=women who are debilitated, uncomfortable, and so weak from hunger that we can barely lift our lips up out of a pout. When I'm queen, misogyny will be ugly, and all ladies who are too lazy to tend to their pantylines will be considered to have "rugged good looks."