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The Dodgers Kicked Ass

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Hmmm. What should we do? I know, let's kick some Diamondback backside!

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The Dodgers kicked some Diamondback ass tonight. And thank God (Vin Scully) that they did after that 9-1 loss last night. I got lucky tonight (figuratively) and was seated in the really nice seats behind home plate, so I don't have any Uggs or muffin tops or beer fights or trashy groupies to show for myself. In that sense it was rather frustrating. Is annoying balding yuppie-man who showed up to the game in his shiny leather shoes and his Bluetooth in his ear very funny? No. Is the octogenarian couple who have had season tickets for the past 35 years sitting and watching the game while keeping score going to leave you in stitches? No. Couldn't there at least have been some ridiculous fake boobie lady with a husband 40 years her elder trying to get through the aisle without spilling her beer thanks to the awkwardness of being top-heavy? No.

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All I have are some ass shots of the Dodgers kicking some DBack ass. How did this happen, I don't know. I appear to be sitting in the assviewing section though I was the only person enjoying the view (besides my sister, who has decided to base all All-Star voting this year on how well the boys wear their uniforms). Don't let Abercrombie or Victoria's Secret get wind of how much visible booty there is around here lest they start paying players to advertise on their rear-ends the way they've brainwashed teenage girls to do. Maybe Dodger asswriting would be a good idea, we could bring back the "traditional" jerseys without the players' names and instead have their names sewn across their rear-ends in Dodger Blue. Also we could get Ugg to design a cleat and the LA Dodgers could be sooooooooo LA.

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Jeff Kent I think would be the first to resist this plan of player objectification, though imagine him walking onto the field with "PLAYA 12" stitched across his butt. We could let him wear his cowboy hat as a sort of compromise.

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Then there's Marlon, who finally got to start a game. He seems like the type who would go along with the team asswriting and laugh about it. I have no basis for this assertion whatsoever. Anderson had a silly error fielding a ball at first base (which is disappointing, as I was rather pleased to see him start) which involved the ball being in the air for about 16 minutes and eventually landing in his glove and then falling out onto the field.

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Martin had the day off yesterday and his defense behind the plate wasn't as strong as usual, but he made it through. Some girl was wearing a shirt that said "Russell Martin, will you marry me?" on it. Back up, biatch. I asked him over a year ago and until he gives me an answer I'm going to assume he's MINE (as will you, homewrecker!). Russ, honey, maybe you can settle this once and for all?

My worry at the end of this game is that Russell Martin will end up on the 15 day DL for a hernia after trying to lift Olmedo Saenz up in celebration. Russ, come on. You know better than to engage in those silly shenanigans!

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All photos by Malingering, who has lost her funny and her voice for the night after cheering for the past 3 hours