You may be saying to yourself, “I'm from Los An-ga-lese, bub. I care not for, nor do I understand, this hockey of which you speak.”
And, well, fair enough.
However, there may be some things about hockey that you don't realize. Things that could potentially get you to open your minds and hearts to the sport. And that is why I am here. As a Canadian, I can be your guide into the weird and wonderful world of hockey. (I can also teach you how to train your ears so that they can't detect Celine Dion's voice at all. But, that one is going to cost you.)
During the upcoming season, I'll be bringing you periodic updates on both the L.A. Kings and the Anaheim (no longer mighty) Ducks. But, before we get to that point, I thought that I might come with a little intro to the game for non-fans. A hockey primer, if you will. And I think you will.
I know that many of you probably view hockey as a violent game where toothless Canadians and Eastern Europeans with permed mullets – and far more consonants than vowels in their names – wail on each other for sixty minutes.
That could not be further from the truth.
Some Americans play too.
Film fans should enjoy hockey. Many games feature exciting endings that seemingly could only be scripted by Hollywood. Unless you root for my team, then it's pure pain. So, like a foreign film, I suppose.
And if you like gay porn, we have sweaty men embracing after goals. Hmmm? Hmmm.
The fashionistas amongst you might appreciate that all teams wear sweaters and socks that match perfectly. Of course, most have those horrible non-slimming horizontal stripes. (I'm a little out of my depth here, I still dress like the drummer from Hootie & the Blowfish.)
For you celebrity watchers out there, hockey players frequently date celebrities. Mariusz Czerkawski dated Famke Janssen. Sean Avery dated Elisha Cuthbert. And Alyssa Milano dated a New York Islanders player back in the day. You rarely ever see them in the stands, but you can have the pleasure of cursing the players for dating actresses that you like. Of course, with Alyssa Milano, you can pretty much do that with every sport by now.
For the patriotic amongst you, the most dynamic young player in the game is honing his skills in your nation's capital. That's good. But, he plays for the Capitals. That's bad. Yet he seems happy to play for them. That's... delusional.
There is an exciting young American prospect entering the league this year. Sadly, it's in Boston. But, Phil Kessel has the offensive skills to make his mark in the league sooner rather than later. It will be fun to watch... you know, until the Bruins cheap out, refuse to pay him and he bolts for another city. Maybe L.A.!
For lovers of controversy, it is a bit disappointing that Jeremy Roenick - one of the all-time best American-born players - won't be playing for the Los Angeles Kings this season. However, J.R. will only be in Phoenix, so you'll still likely be able to hear him.
Training camps are opening and the season is roughly a month away. Next week I'll be bringing season previews for both the Kings and Ducks.
Plus, there'll be no more mentions of Celine Dion. I'm out of practice. It's still training camp for me too.
Also, no more mentions of gay porn... probably.
