Sex Week: Hit Me (Baby) One More Time

Photo by Alternative Photography via Flickr

When I first sat down to write about BDSM for newbies, I figured that I'd wind up with some sort of simple list; you know, 1. Handcuffs. 2. Dog collar. 3. Light smack across the face.

But how naive I was! BDSM, which is a complex acronym that stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism, actually isn't about getting turned on by, say, the feel of something being wrapped around your neck. "The essence of BDSM play is a power exchange," says Ann-Marie Holman, Press Liaison for Syren and JT's Stockroom. "You play with giving one person more power or complete power, and the other person less...or at least, trying to create that illusion psychologically."

Now, I haven't tried much BDSM myself, but that is a lot fucking hotter than I thought.

So, the easy digestible list re: BDSM for beginners is a little less about things or fancy moves, and a little more about the glue that holds every relationship together: communication. With that in mind, here are my revised steps for introducing a little kink this Valentine's Day:

1. Open the dialogue.

So, what...you're worried about how to tell your girlfriend of six years that you'd like to tie her up and hit her with a bullwhip? What's so daunting about that? Jeez, grow a pair...oh, I kid. It's a very tough conversation to have. But the good news is that opening up about your sexual desires is good for more than just pleasing your trouser snake. "You're forced to talk about your sex life, your relationship...you're talking about your dynamic with each other, what it's like and how you want it to be different when you're playing," says Holman.

If that's still a little overwhelming, Holman suggests opening up the conversation in a different way: in the heat of the moment. During sex, ask if you can spank your partner, or tell them to close their eyes. This can plant the seed for having a conversation later. Also, she suggests, keep it about your partner, as in, "This is something I'd like to try...with you."

2. Establish boundaries.

Now that you've decided you're going to move forward, the next step is figuring out how far you can take it. Because while it might seem that BDSM play is all just a smorgasboard of random smacks and hog-ties, it's actually all negotiated beforehand - even for the highly experienced.

"It is fun and challenging to push your boundaries, but it's something to work up to," says Holman. The more you play around, the more you'll get to understand your partner and know when you can keep going, and when you need to stop.

You'll also need to establish a safe word or signal. "You always have to arrange something that will be a clear departure form whatever situation you're playing out," says Holman. For instance, saying "no" might be a bad idea, because saying "no" might be part of the roleplay or the game. "Some people use complicated words like weiner schnitzel," she goes on. I'd just add that if you're feeling nervous, a word like weiner schnitzel would certainly do the trick to keep the moment light.

3. Play!

So, you've broached the idea, you've thought up a safe word, you know what turns your partner on...now it's time to get in there and get started! But reign it in for a second, sailor: "Newbies always want floggers and bullwhips, but those are really difficult," says Holman. Start with something you can handle. JT's Stockroom makes a line called Kinklab that's designed for beginners, and is a good place to start. You can also look at books, watch movies (Eyes Wide Shut, anyone?) and look at pictures online or in magazines to get a feel for what you might like to try.

Now get in there, and give it all you've got, and of course...have fun.