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Malingering's Muscle Beach Awards

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I ended up at another bodybuilding competition. Or more correctly, once again I found myself at Venice Beach while a bodybuilding and figure competition was going on. I really should just get on their mailing list so I don't get caught off guard. Plus I keep missing the 'roided up women's bodybuilding competition, since this usually is first. The flip side to coming late is that sometimes the women are in the stands watching the men, commenting to each other in deep husky voices about this person's medial rectus or whatever.

I'm still not sure how these things work, despite reading the website about 50 times. So I'll just make up my own award system, to celebrate the things that I appreciate.

There was a tie for the "Most Looks Like My Head was Photoshopped on after Being Bitten Off by the Family Dog" award. I don't have anyone to assist with the tie breakers so I will leave that to the readers.

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Really. Both of these guys could be handling your insurance claims right now and you'd never know it until he coughed and all of the buttons popped off of his shirt from the sheer force of pectoralis flexion.

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The Most Unrealistic Pubic Hair Transplant goes to this woman, who felt her formerly furry clam would fare better as the new Sistine Chapel of 2007.

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The award for Neatest Circumcision goes to the man in the red bikini, who has long since shed his foreskin and appears to be quite pleased with his results.

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The Teacher of the Day award goes to these two women, who showed me that breast implants are not at all smooth and in fact appear to be ribbed for her pleasure in some way. Maybe they got the scalloped seashell version for the beach. Either way, this should be a cause for concern for women everywhere, now not only do we have to worry about pantylines, we have to worry about implant lines as well. Being a chick sure ain't easy.

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The Mount Everest Award for largest and pointiest bikini bulge goes to Abe Lincoln right here. Of all competitors, his red bump was the largest and most symmetric of all competitors. Part of me wonders if he has an implant in there of some sort. Or maybe he's just a very balanced person.

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Most Likely to Self-Induce an Aneurysm goes to sweaty guy here. I put on a hat and sunglasses when he came up, because I felt sure that he would pop at any second and I didn't want to get hit with the ProTan debris shooting across the stands. Then again, it's entirely likely he's about to give birth to an alien life form and this may become a beautiful moment welcoming new life.

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The award for highest Synthetic:Organic Body Part Ratio goes to this woman, who would have smiled at the presentation of this highly competitive honor but seems to be having some lip trouble at the moment and we will have to wait 1-2 months for an appropriate expression of affect.

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Best Off-Stage Pose goes to loincloth man, who was flexing and posing to the beat of his own drum off to the side. He also has a better tan than the rest of them, and is the least orange of the people involved.

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A consolation prize will be given to this man, the innocent and unsuspecting victim of a walk-by self-tanning. Apparently one of the other competitors ran into his thigh. The bodybuilders behind me said (this is a direct quote), "his lack of color just shows his lack of experience." So there you go. At least his right thigh isn't a virgin anymore.

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Most Needs to Lay Off the 'Roids goes to Shrinkage Guy. It wasn't cold out, I can find no excuse for this guy's junk to move up into his abdominal cavity to hide for cover. If Turquoise Bikini Guy is this small, imagine what Barry Bonds looks like.

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And now for the prestigious and coveted Toes That Look Most Like Skittles In Stripper Shoes. She's taking the "eye candy" thing and just running with it. It's like Willie Wonka meets Striptease.

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Most Creative and Ridiculous Use of Edible Products goes to the person who showed up with a can of no-stick PAM and sprayed himself to stay nice and shiny. Or maybe to encourage the crispiness of the already bacon-like skin.

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The award for Most Resembling a Human goes to these two women from New Orleans. Unfortunately we found that they, like the others, are just cyborgs sculpted to exhibit human-like strength and poise as part of a Homeland Security program. Oh well.

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A special superlative was created for this guy: Best Schoolgirl Giggle. Tee hee!

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The Award for Best Use of His Tongue Outside of the Bedroom goes to our orally fixated painter, who documented the show in his own way.

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Best Use of a Tacky Tourist T-shirt goes to Telemundo, who finally found something to do with those dumb t-shirts that have been hanging up on display in the windows of Venice stores since 1984. Unfortunately he was yelling into his microphone, grunting like a gorilla and moving around excessively and he blocked a few good breast implant shots.

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Best Bathing Suit-Tramp Stamp Combination goes to this woman, whose velvety criss-cross perfectly frames her CA license plate/ass antlers/tribal tattoo/whatever you want to call it. This is an example of tying all of the elements together with one simple article of clothing. Try it sometime.

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The winner of the award we will call Mr. Cajones is here in the orange speedo. When people say "it takes balls to get up there and do that," well yes, yes it does. But of all the competitors, this guy was the ballsiest. Literally.

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I was pleased to see someone go natural in this competition, turns out she'd flown in from Japan on July 3 and was very excited to pose. I will honor her with the Au Natural and Proud award. Unfortunately this is not necessarily an asset in these competitions. The 300lb woman beside me leaned over and whispered to me "oh my God, where are her curves?" I almost said "do fat rolls count as curves? Okay well shut your mouth, bitch." But I just looked over at the resident hypocrite, gave her the up and down gaze and then took her photo for good measure.

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In contrast, the tie for Most Painful Implants of the Day goes to these two women, who likely have not slept on their stomachs since those rocks were installed.

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Just when you think things couldn't get any more ridiculous and LA couldn't get any more plastic, you look up and find these bad boys looking around the corner at you, grinning in delight. "Ha!" they say. "This is the land of plastic and we will thrive! We will hold on to the rib cage for dear life if we must, this is where we flourish! God Bless Los Angeles, land that I love!"

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All photos taken by Malingering, who hopes to judge this thing next year.