Living in Sin: but you're my wife!
Jen Sincero is a sexpert, musician, and the author of the bestselling book, The Straight Girl’s Guide To Sleeping With Chicks and the semi-autobiographical novel, Don’t Sleep With Your Drummer. She currently hosts the weekly sex talk radio show Dr. Happypants on killradio.org. Every week in Living in Sin, Jen provides advice for LA's sexually curious.
Got a question for Jen? Ask her. We promise to be discreet — all questions will be posted anonymously.
Dear Jen, I've been with my husband for ten years and we love each other deeply. We're fairly open about what we enjoy sexually, but one night I was feeling frisky and asked him to try something we've never done before, and his response was, "nuh-uh, you're my wife." WTF? I don't want him going elsewhere to have wild sex with someone who isn't his wife...well, he wouldn't do that. But I'm frustrated with the same old same old. I've been mulling it over for some time and don't know how to bring it up. We only talk about sex 1) during foreplay, 2) while in the act 3) when we're basking in the afterglow. How do I find the words without crushing him?
On the Official Master List of Relationship No No's, somewhere at the top it says, "don't talk about your relationship in bed." It's like eating in bed — it gets sharp, pointy crumbs of anger, and gooey emotional sticky stuff all over your sex life. Plus, it's just too distracting. I mean, how focused can he be on what you're saying while you have your hand on his balls?
Sit him down sometime in the living room, or at the dinner table, and tell him you need to talk to him about something important. Then, after you tell him how much you love him, and gush over how awesome he is in the sack, tell him how fun it would be to step it up a notch. If he loves you like you say he does, he'll want to listen and do whatever he can to please you. And hopefully, the fact that you're so comfortable with your wild side will rub off on him and make him less self-conscious.
This is assuming that he's not too exhausted from giving the high hard one to half your neighborhood. I can't help but find his wife comment alarming (and judging from the way you wrote about it, you're a little suspicious yourself). It implies that hot, crazy sex is only appropriate outside a marriage, not that it's inappropriate altogether. Big difference. I would look into this. WTF indeed.
If it turns out that he's not screwing around, but that he just can't see beyond your virginal white robes, give him a little time. And some food for thought. Dress your inner ho bag up in sexy lingerie and parade her around the house. Whisper filthy nothings in his ear. If it turns out that deep down he's just not into it, then he's not into it. You'll have to accept him for who he is, just as he'll have to accept the 90 watt vibrator that'll be drilling a hole through your side of the bed.