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Arts and Entertainment

The Greatest Television on the Internet Ever

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Last night's Big Brother was amazing.

In an endurance competition to decide the final two, Evil Dick, his hotass estranged daughter, and the big fratboy ogre Zach were showered with rain for over six hours as they held on to a key hung from a rope above them.

Dick lived up to his name by talking the best trash you've ever heard in your life. Because of the nature of the game, a reality game show where 14 "house guests" live in a small house in the Valley and vote each other out over a period of the summer, by now everything about Zach's life and gameplaying was available for Dick to use against him.

Ironically it's Dick who could be the target of hours of verbal assaults. He can't hold down a relationship, he's disgusting, he chain smokes, he constantly spits, he's abusive and abrasive so much that his daughter Danielle, a waitress at Hooters in Huntington Beach, hadn't spoken to him in years.

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But Zach is a quiet, dorky, lunk who experienced all of the social obstacles in the Big Brother house as he did in high school. No one befriended him, no one talked to him, in fact they kidded that any time there was a little group that was talking that if Zach arrived it would dissipate quickly.

And yet somehow there Zach stood in the final three... against the knockout bleach blonde rail thin daughter and her foul mouthed and genius Tommy Lee wannabe father.

"Come on, pussy," Dick taunted as the water fell and his daughter cried and shivered in the cold. "Do the teeth! Fuck you, you piece of shit."

For over six hours Dick yelled across at Zach "Bring it! Nothin! You got nothin! Why would you say you wanted to munch Jessica's panties? What sort of pervert are you?"

Dick attacked Zach's re-interest in spirituality and his desire to get back with his old girlfriend nicknamed Sweets, a name Dick brought up hundreds of times last night."How are you gonna explain it to Sweets? Huh? Come on Zach, this whole.. goddamn night is about this ogre Zach's obsession and his desperation with Sweets. There aint no getting around this competition without me talking all fucking night.... your phrases, your statements, your thoughts, your feelings - you fucking loser."

And, "Christian wanna be, poseur, faker. Lucy you got some 'splainin to do...

Zach remained silent until near the end where he began to laugh maniacally while eerily showing no effects of the rain. But Dick kept pounding, "You like that? Come on, eraser-dick. Come on motherfucker. Any more racist shit to say?"

It was better than anything former Laker Gary Payton could have ever doled out on anyone in the NBA because after living in such close quarters for so long, Dick had so much ammo, more than mere ball players would have on each other.

However Zach had youth, and physical strength, and Dick was using his up by screaming for hours and hours at his foe.

And then he had to pee.

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So he told the Showtime camera operators to get in position, and he told the people who were turning the "rain" on and off to turn on the water.

And he peed in his evil pants.

Who needs tv writers? Shakespeare couldn't write this.

So much more went down. Three hours worth on Showtime, including the controversial moment when the revolving rabbit on a stick stopped in front of Danielle in what appears to be an intentional way, and caused her to stumble and fall out of the race. It literally sent her to the showers where she wept, freezing cold due to the torrents of water on her delicate and bony frame.


Having sold out and coerced into reuniting with her father for the sole purpose of money.

And now she probably wasn't going to get any because third place is a set of steak knives. Or something.

At midnight Pacific the Showtime broadcast ended and those who had purchased the live feeds via the Internet were treated to more hours of biting, vulgar, sexual, verbal attacks by Dick and stone silence from Zach who had no idea that Dick was right that America had noticed all the racist comments in the house.

Those with the live feeds also saw who won the competition. Segments from the end of the dramatic conclusion are on YouTube - which is an invitation to some, and a warning to others.

Whether you choose to see what happened, we who have been watching this season thank you, Big Brother. You have taken reality television to a new high. Last night was as real as you could ever get. Full of drama, intrigue, comedy, strategy, tragedy, tears,

and urine.

Best show on television each summer.

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