The Alcohol Buyers Club: Your Official 2014 Oscars Drinking Game

The 86th Academy Awards are airing on Sunday night and, if you're anything like us, you're gonna need a closetful of booze to get through the nine-plus hours of coverage on E! and ABC. We absolutely do not advocate moderation on this of all nights, but we also do not recommend that you just start chugging Jack from the very first time Giulana Rancic utters something vapid and/or inane. After all, it's of the utmost importance to be sober enough to make it through the ceremony, if for no other reason than Oscar night would be nothing if not for the after-parties.

If you allow LAist to serve as your sherpa on Hollywood's Biggest Night, we promise to guide you down a primrose path to a destination where catty commentary and a tangible body buzz align. Please join us for what promises to be a lively live-blogging experience starting at 3 p.m. PT/6 p.m. ET, and also be sure to keep a tab on your browser open all night long with this:

+Take a drink whenever someone does something excessively cutesy in E!'s Mani Cam.

+Take a drink anytime Ryan Seacrest is shorter than the person he's interviewing.
+Take a drink anytime Giuliana Rancic acts condescendingly to or throws shade towards Kelly Osbourne. (Ed. Note: Be sure and have lots of drinks at the ready.)
+If Jessica Biel shows up on the red carpet without husband Justin Timberlake on her arm, take a shot.
+Take a drink when Oscars host Ellen DeGeneres dances. (Take two if you feel like her passionless movements belie her regret at agreeing to her Ellen producer's suggestion all those years ago to open her show by dancing with her audience.)

+Take a swig of liquor, preferably out of a brown paper bag, when the inevitable Shia LaBeouf joke is made.
+Throw something across the room to show solidarity with Alec Baldwin if someone makes fun of him, but don't drink.

+If someone cracks wise about either Leonardo DiCaprio or George Clooney's womanizer reputation, toast your TV and finish the rest of your drink.
+If someone slips into a foreign language while making an acceptance speech, take a drink.
+Take a drink if Harrison Ford is wearing a stud earring. If he's wearing something that dangles, take a shot.
+When someone tears up on stage, take a five-minute break from drinking. Booze and depression don't mix very well!
+By this point, a mild case of Philomania should be setting in. With that in mind, now is probably a good time to make sure that your microwave isn't on fire. You know, just in case.

Welcome back!

+If someone walks in the wrong direction after accepting an award and has to be corrected by an anonymous model in a gorgeous gown, take a drink.
+Whenever the orchestra interrupts someone's acceptance speech, finish your drink.
+If there's a TelePrompTer fail that causes a moment of hilariously awkward banter, break out the tequila and do a shot.
+Each time you hear "I want to thank my agent," take a drink of water. (We still have a long way to go, we don't want you to pass out!)

Now's a good time to stand up. If you find yourself affected by a case of the Twombley Spins, you should stop drinking. (Or at least slow down.)

+If a curse word makes it past the seven-second delay, shotgun an entire god damn beer.
+When the camera cuts away to someone looking less than thrilled after losing, give quiet thanks that your profession isn't publicly judged.
+If you look up at the end of the night and realize you've won your Oscar pool because you took our advice, buy us a shot the next time you see us!

Okay! I think we made it! Salute yourself, call yourself an Uber, and have fun at the afterparties. See you next year!