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A Craigslist post is advertising that a downtown L.A. artist loft is so gentrified that it's even safe for your girlfriend. It doesn't seem particularly sincere, but it does cite the historical relevance of Nicolas Cage previously living nearby as a perk. The sarcastic posting talks about a New York-style, 525-square-foot one-bedroom in One Santa Fe, that gigantic mixed-user located in the Arts District, for $2800/month.
Come be a pioneer in a new neighborhood! New York style one-bedrooms for rent, centrally located in the downtown arts district. Don't worry, it's gentrified now, so bring your girlfriend with you! At One Santa Fe, our artist lofts offer everything you need to unlock your creative side, including luxurious amenities like pool, gym, and spa. The units themselves aren't actually that big, and the ceilings are pretty low, and the windows are pretty small, but we made sure to add premium concrete floors, so it's definitely still an artist loft. Have a guitar? Great! We made sure to add plenty of balcony space so that you can play it for your neighbors across the street, who for sure don't hate you. (Quiet hours are from 9:30pm to 7:00am)
One Santa Fe is optimized to ensure that no matter where you're going, you're not walking. There's plenty of parking, so you can go to work and back without ever setting foot on a sidewalk! We also got rid of most of the public space and replaced it with parking lot, which means you'll almost never accidentally run into someone you know when you're trying to the west side. We also provide on-site bicycle rentals because we know you probably don't have a bike of your own. We don't recommend using the bicycles though, as most of our residents like to drive their Porsches fast, and they'll need you to be out of the way.
Please, no cats, dogs, or any art supplies that might make a mess. These units are brand new. Also no smoking.
Other perks:
- Live with the artists without having to live like them
- All the comforts of the Westside, but closer to work
- Nicolas Cage used to live close by
- Skrillex still lives close by
- Building looks like painter's canvas, extra long structure to block views of blighted LA River
Well, according to One Santa Fe's website, a 525-square-foot one-bedroom is actually no more than the (certainly affordable) $2,260. The larger one-bedrooms climb up to above $3,000. Amenities do include a gym, a zero edge salt water pool and something called "valet trash service," which is probably not at all what I am picturing. And there are concrete floors in some of the buildings. It also appears that you can have pets, but there are weight and breed restrictions, so bad news if you are planning on building an Iditarod team. The weirdest thing about their website is that it seems to indicate that Tom Waits is an amenity:
Yelp reviews seem to imply that many early tenants didn't get the amenities they were promised because they weren't done being constructed. How is anyone supposed to figure out the mid-season plot twist in their TV spec script if they can't unwind in their private yoga studio? Is anyone really capable of vision and depth if they can't lounge in a poolside cabana?
For any artists who might be reeling with sticker shock at this downtown Utopia, we suggest moving to Glendale, which another Craigslist post we enjoyed says is really cool.
