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The LAist Comedy Gift Guide
The holidays are here. Don't f*cking remind me. Photo courtesy borrowed via LAist Featured Photo pool on flickr.
So much of this holiday season is about giving ‘gifts’. It’s all so commercialized, bro. You’ve got gifts for kids, gifts for drinkers. You’ve even got gift ideasfor people who sure as hell can’t afford to buy you a gift in return. Thanks but no thanks, douchetards. This year, it’s all about getting people shit they don’t need. And probably don’t even want. For stocking stuffers, I’m just getting everyone a picture of my wiener inside the stocking they’re holding on to. That’ll teach you to trust a twentysomething with limited income and anger management issues. Bro.
Why not spend this holiday season like your aunt does: by getting terribly drunk, hip-swiveling your way through a Steely Dan album, and being brutally honest with those around you? Trust me, those that remain on speaking terms will thank you for the refreshing face you put on their bleak lives. And if not, fuck it. Just fart into the eggnog and pass out under the tree (if that’s your thing). Below is a look at the REAL people you’re going to be surrounded by this year, and the perfect gift for them.
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Your Slightly Racist Uncle Who Couldn’t Bring Himself to Vote for Obama
Stuff White People Like, the book. A bunch of oh-so-truisms about what it means to be a white person in America. After all, it's not offensive if it's in a book, right?
Your Heavy Out-of-State Aunt Who Likes Butter On / In Everything
Female cover-ups. These will go nicely with her collection of Garfield sweaters.
The Whiny Young Child Who Demands The Best Name-Brand Item
The Onion fake gift boxes. Show the brat who's boss with a fake shitty product box. Then, seriously, put the iTouch inside. No one wants to hear that kid scream.
Your Dad Who Thinks All of his Puns About Yuletide 'Logs' are Funny
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Born Standing Up, Steve Martin. Ensure that Dad will never try another shitty joke. With one read of this incredible book, he'll realize his life is shit and he'll never be as good as Steve Martin at anything. Not even cutting the ham at dinner, loser.
The Narcissistic Teen Girl Who Thinks Everything Belongs on the Internet
Guys With Feelings podcast subscription. These guys already put their feelings on the internet, so you don't have to. Now go back in your room and keep reading Teen Tiger Vogue Beat Fashion Lifestyle Stone or whatever.
Your Mother Who Kept Every Class Note You Ever Wrote, But Can't Find Her Car. (HINT: the driveway)
Found Magazine. Hopefully she gets the irony. If not, use the time she takes trying to figure it out to burn all those notes she kept. You don't need that shit ending up in the next issue.
Your Pervy Uncle. Yeah, You've Got One.
MySpace "subscription". Yeah, it's free, but he's also in a technological coma, so charge him $50 and make his profile name 'Grabby Boobsalot'. (link is hilariously SFW)
The Hipster Teen Boy Who is Too Young Smoke, But Not Too Young To Be Annoying.
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Fake mustache. With all the irony that a mustache brings these days, the real knee-jerker is that the poor bastard can't grow a 'stache of his own.
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