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69 Reasons Howard Stern ISN'T Going Back to Censored Radio

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Our pals over at Tabloid Baby don't seem to be subscribers to Howard Stern over at Sirius, because for some reason they took the news that Stern will be offerring a free preview of his show via the Internet on 10/25 and 10/26, and a one cent special for his On Demand Howard TV channel as a sign that the King of All Media is interested in going back to the likes of KLSX where he was the ratings leader for many years.

What it is more likely is that Stern, who has been on satellite for ten months now, is shrewdly gearing up for the Christmas gift-giving season by giving millions of his fans who have not joined him on uncensored radio a taste of what they're missing. And, now that the Sirius streaming option is now available over the web, with no need to buy a radio, the company probably is giddy to show off the 75 cd-quality channels for free for two days.

Rumors that Stern wants to return to the FCC-controlled radio have been buzzing around the media, some say fueled by traditional radio who wants to throw a wet blanket on Stern's meteoric success on satellite. Regular radio has been hit hard by the rise in popularity of iPods, the lack of popular personalities on the AM and FM bands, and the fact that consumers are finding themselves buying and leasing new cars equipped with satellite radios as inexpensive options (radios with Sirius or XM usually cost less than $200).

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Below we have listed our top twelve reasons that we think Stern will stay at Sirius, other than the fact that Stern continually says on the air how much he loves his new home, other than the fact that Stern has a half-billion dollar five-year contract, and other than the fact that his anger for traditional radio only increased during his final year when instead of Radio celebrating or honoring their most successful star, they only tried to insult his jump to satellite in interviews in the press and renaming some stations FreeFM.

1. Stern was #1 across the country for the better part of his 25-year career, he has nothing left to prove on old-fashioned radio.

2. The lack of fines that the FCC has doled out in the last year is proof that the government agency had an agenda against Stern, which is one reason they fined him for discussing anal-oral sex and not Oprah.

3. For each of the last four quarters Stern's Sirius has signed up more subscribers than their competitor XM.

4. When Stern announced that he was going to leave censored radio about a year ago and move over to Sirius, the satellite company only had 600,000 subscribers, today it has over 5 million paying customers shelling out about $13 a month. Stern has said himself that leaving those loyal early-adopters would be a slap in the fact to them.

5. Howard Stern loves to say fuck, cunt, shit, piss, asshole, and cocksucker. As do many of his guests. Like LAist, he thinks adults should be allowed to speak like adults. There's no way censored radio would ever allow adult language on the public airwaves, thus why would he ever allow himself to retreat to kiddie-speak?

6. Stern's newest favorite device is a female masturbation machine called The Sybian where porn stars, strippers, regular girls, and even a grandmother have straddled the vibration machine and moaned in ecstasy. How many millions of dollars in fines would the FCC fine Stern for that?

7. No one who replaced Stern's time slot has done anything in the ratings. David Lee Roth was fired, and Adam Carolla is one of the lowest-rated morning shows in LA, and because there are no other decent options on the FM dial in the morning NPR is seeing an increase in audience.

8. With 5 million subscribers paying $13 a month, Sirius is pulling in $720 million annually. If Stern didn't sign up one more person over the next five years, and those listeners who have already subscribed, stay, Sirius' gamble on the shock-jocker would have more than paid off. Therefore why would Sirius ever lose Stern, and why would Stern ever want to leave?

9. No radio or tv performer has ever gotten millions of people to switch over from free to pay in such a short period of time. Those who believe that Stern would want to go back to terrestrial radio to feed his ego know nothing about egos. What more could fuel one's ego than getting millions of people to pay for a radio, pay for a service, and keep that service? For 25 years Stern played the small game of traditional radio, he now seems to be winning the bigger game of converting people over to sat radio.

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10. Howard Stern has two full channels on Sirius, filled with original programming that started off as 24 hours of farting, and now includes southern shocker Bubba The Love Sponge, and the best sports talk show host possibly ever Scott Ferrall

11. Stern takes Friday's off. He can talk for as long as he likes without breaking for commercial. He never has to worry about a nervous General Manager coming in to tell him to stop doing something. His rebroadcasts are never edited to appease a sensitive member of the audience. The pay-tv version of his show is never censored for broadcast. And he gets paid $100 million a year to feel up porn stars and giggle at dick jokes. What would terrestrial radio have to offer him other than headaches?

12. Stern continues to be the most searched-for radio personality on the web. Moving to satellite doesn't seem to affect his interest among web users, which is probably one reason the two-day Sirius online promotion will translate into new subscribers.

photo via HowardStern.com