LAist Live Blogs the 2007 MTV Movie Awards - Communiques from the Blogghetto

5:09 - Cue Vegas-style dancers and an old people's choir singing songs that are deliberately bleeped out.

5:06 - Sarah on Paris Hilton: "To make Paris Hilton more comfortable in jail, I hear they're going to make the bars of her cell out of penises." Big laughs. "I just worry she'll snap her teeth." Even bigger laughs. Cut to a very unamused Paris Hilton.

5:05 - Sarah announces that Paris Hilton will soon be going to jail. Nearly the entire audience claps. Loudly and for a long time. Sarah has to wait quite a while for the schadenfreude to die down.

5:04 - Sarah on Tobey Maguire: "I see at least three famous vaginas in the audience tonight. Oh, Tobey Maguire... four!"

5:03 - Sarah on Jack Nicholson: "You've literally been in everyone of my favorite actresses." Big laughs all around.

5:03 - Sarah on why she won't watch Pirates of the Caribbean 3: "I don't watch movies longer than Cisco Adler's balls."

5:03 - Sarah on the racism of Spider-Man 3: "Did anyone else notice that as soon as he turned black he became an awesome dancer?" Cut to Sam Jackson laughing. Sarah caustically riffs on this as well.

5:01 - Sarah Silverman clomps onto stage in high heels to a Lily Allen tune. The little black dress with the circle skirt looks great, but practice walking in those high heels, girl!

4:59 - The pre-show, red carpet hostess lady mentions how indebted we all are to GM for making this the first commercial-free MTV Movie Awards. Ahem hem... what's your definition of commercial?

4:53 - The feed of the red carpet switches on in the press room. Stars are showing up on the red carpet. Tyrese, Josh Duhamel, Megan Fox and lots of others. Somewhere between the umpteen "exclusive movie clips," it becomes clear that this isn't a pre-show as much as it is an extended commercial for of Transformers.

4:39 - The nice Italian journalist lady returns from the red carpet. "Nobody except Jessica Biel has bothered to show up for the red carpet," she tells me. I can neither confirm nor deny this. But when she says, "Eet was sad and horreeble," her Italian accent makes it sound like she's saying, "It was sexy and wonderful."

4:23 - It's time for another sip of SoCo. It's chilly inside the Blogghetto, but it's warm inside my belly.

4:09 - Wireless connection goes down. For the second time. But tech guy David is awesome both times. Asks what site I write for. I tell him LAist. He seems genuinely excited. He knows about the site. And he likes it. Now I am genuinely excited.

3:05 - Make mental note to ask the kind, intelligent, generous and really good-looking MTV press people to give me a party pass. I could really be sitting at home and blogging about the show; the real story is behind the scenes.

3:03 - Some tech person hooks up the sound system. Nice random mix of hardcore hip-hop and Sinatra tunes. Never considered it before, but Ludacris could do a killer cover of "Lady Is A Tramp."

2:55 - Share SoCo with other bloggers. Make new BFFs.

2:38 - Decide not to be insulted. Instead, decide to be buzzed. Surreptitiously sip on SoCo.

2:35 - Discuss with the four other bloggers left in the Blogghetto whether we should be insulted because we were barred from the red carpet. I guess the red carpet couldn't handle the crushing weight of four more people.

2:30 - The "good press" (i.e. the model-looking chicks in lemon-yellow silk mini-dresses, the guys with bulky camcorders and the snazzy ladies from print magazines) are escorted to the red carpet. The rest of us are exiled to the blogging ghetto AKA the Blogghetto.

2:02 - Rendezvous with LAist paparazzi Joey Maloney. Strategize on best way for him to slip my phone number to Sarah Silverman.

1:42 - Reply: Ditto!

1:41 - He Replies: No Jimmy Kimmel.

1:40 - Reply: Maybe.

1:39 - Receive text message from my b/f asking me if I can arrange a threesome with Sarah Silverman.

1:26 - Whip out binoculars. Keep on the lookout for Sarah Silverman sightings.

1:07 - Set up laptop in the blogger ghetto, which MTV has generously dubbed the Viewing Tent.

12:45 - Arrive at Universal Studios. Check in. Get press pass. Get bags searched. Feel pleased that I am able to sneak in a flask of Southern Comfort. (Note: I rarely mix blogging and boozing, but at an MTV event I feel like I have to.)