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WARNING: There is a 50% Chance You Will Be Carjacked By A Yuppie Sometime Tonight Between 5:30 and 8:30

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Ah, another glorious, status conscious, conspicuously consuming day. I've spent such a long time typing away on my Macbook Air, and now I'm just about ready to drive home to Beechwood Canyon where I'll spend the evening watching Bravo. Hotcha!

But hmmm, now that I think about it, maybe a stop at Pinkberry for some deliciously monotonous icy sludge would add to the perfection of the day. No, wait! I've got it! I'll cap things off with stale bagels, overproduced music (tailor made for my tool demographic,) and bland coffee that comes with an Appearance Of Upper Middle Class Affluence surcharge of 100%. Looks like it's off to Starbucks!

Now, if I can just parallel park my Mini Cooper correctly and HOLYWHATTHEFUCK IS THAT?

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Caffeine addicts across the United States might have to find themselves an alternate dealer if they need a coffee fix this evening during Starbucks' nationwide timeout.

Whoah whoah whoah. What's this you say? Back up.

The Seattle-based coffee chain is scheduled to close its doors to customers from 5:30 to 8:30-

EVERYBODY PANIC!