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Venice Beach Skate-O-Rama

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Yesterday we told you about National Skateboarding Day. Um, then we mentioned it again. Today we will show you what you missed by not listening to us when we tell you to do something.

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Okay, I admit that my motives aren't always the purest. I like to see bratty entitled little kids fall down and bruise their overgrown egos and I felt certain with the number of skaters present, there had to be at least 3 good accidents. I am fascinated that anyone can skate in those toddler sized jeans they wear and I planned on waiting gleefully for them to rip open so I could snap pictures and giggle.

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"Oh you're so mean, Malingering, you hate kids and fat people and pit bulls and women and men!" Wah wah wah, I don't hate anyone. In fact I was rather disappointed that there weren't more arrogant little punks who would brag and show-off and then fall on their faces. Instead, these were just hard-working, determined people who wanted to be good at what they do. It's actually inspiring. If I fell down on my ass trying to do some kick-flip-thing in front of 100 people I would run to the bathroom and sit on the toilet and cry until someone dragged me out of my chamber of shame and bought me an ice cream cone and told me I was still special, just not a special skateboarder. But not these kids. They have nerves of steel. Skateboarding is not a crime.

(Plus I figured with all of the action going on, fake boobies and muffin tops and bad tourist fashion would flock to experience the excitement and madness of "National Go Skate Day" and then I wouldn't have to walk around looking for anything as it would all just come straight to me.)

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National Skate Day at Venice Beach was especially fun because hundreds of people came out with their skateboards and their best tricks and were all charging toward each other in a skateboard frenzy trying to throw a few skills on this thing they call the "spine ramp." Frantic overly-enthusiastic skateboarders + limited space + one spine ramp = collisions galore. No, you didn't see me crack a smile. I'm concerned. Wear your helmets kids.

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Sort of like collisions on the freeway, one kid falls so the next one swerves to avoid him and crashes into another, and soon it's just a mangled mess of limbs and studded belt buckles and skinny jeans.

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The "spine" wasn't so good to everyone.

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This kid kept coming back for more, as if taunting the spine: "I will own you, bitch! I will OWN YOU!"

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One thing that shocked my little innocent virgin ears was the language the guys with the microphones were shouting at the kids. I'd say the average age of the kids there was pre-pubescent, and this guy all amped up on Red Bull was shouting stuff like, "fuck kids, let's win some free shit!" Seriously? Is that how 8 year olds talk now?

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At 3pm there was a spine ramp competition, limited to sponsored skateboarders, either amateur or professional. I was very curious (but never found out) which companies sponsor 8 year olds. Pokemon? Spiderman? Lego?

Oh wait. I forgot that these are the kids who are "winning free shit" and "fucking shit up" and all that. They've probably gone to more parties before their 14th birthdays than I did through my entire college career. They've probably been married and divorced and are now paying child support with their skateboarding money. They've likely been filing taxes for longer than I have and don't even giggle if they meet someone named "Dick."

I am finally learning to accept that kids these days are light years ahead of their time... and apparently really enjoy Coors light.

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By the end of the day, I'd picked out 3 favorite kids, and if I had been forced to kidnap a kid it would be one of these three.

1) Kick ass rock-star and winner of the skate competition, Hannah.

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No, that's not a camo hat. This girl is 100% bad ass. She was crushing guys who were twice her size and all without any attitude or prissiness. She ended up with $1000 at the end of the day after killing all 26 competitors of the Pro-Amateur skate competition.

2) Technically skilled and extremely tiny, Helmet Kid.

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I don't know his name, but this kid was one of the smallest and was doing harder skills than guys who were likely as old as his parents. He wore his helmet with pride (so you know he's smarter than the rest of them) and in between trips up the ramp, his dad would feed him bites of hot dog. He had a bad-ass Helmet Sister as well, but she didn't skate as much.

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3) Ultra-endurance and super determined Crazy Blonde Kid.

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I found out his name, but I forgot it, so if anyone knows please tell me. This kid started skating at 9am and went continuously until after 4pm. He didn't take a break or anything, and he never got tired, even after it seemed he may have broken all 12 ribs and severed a genital or two. At 3pm he entered the skate competition and did pretty well, especially since it was hour 6 of continuous skating. Mr. Potty-mouth MC guy awarded him with a 1 week trip to Woodward (which when I was a kid was a gymnastics camp, but I guess they expanded).

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Skateboard Magazine and Red Bull put on a nice event. Free hot dogs and back hair for everyone!

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Admit it. If your pants had stayed up, you would have landed that, wouldn't you Mr. I Just Tripped Over My Crotch?

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All photos taken by Malingering, who couldn't ride a skateboard to save her life but still feels okay laughing when people fall down as long as they seem like assholes.

No skaters were visibly hurt in the writing of this article.