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Living In Sin: I Married a Horndog
Every week in Living in Sin, Jen Sincero provides advice to LA's sexually confounded. Sign up for her newsletter and have it sent to you every week. Ask Jen your questions: all are posted anonymously.
I am forty-six years old and my husband is thirty-six. The problem is that he is a sex-a-holic, to the extreme! He wants sex at LEAST once a day, everyday, 365 days a year. If he doesn't get it, he freaks out and becomes mean, angry and won't talk to me. What am I to do?
I used to have sex with him every single day for the first four years we were together. Now we're down to once a week because I'm too tired. He works nights, so we hardly see each other, but when he gets home at four a.m., he wants sex and tries waking me up. I used to oblige him at this hour, but I am too tired to do that anymore. BUT when I do have sex with him, I am WILD. I will do anything, I always have. I let him call me bitch, whore, I let him have his way with me. We do it for a minimum of one hour each and every time. No quickies in our house. I would think that because the sex is so great when we do have it, he could handle not having it everyday, but he still complains. Oh let me not forget to mention...he also jerks off at least once a day, everyday. Even if we have wild sex, he still jerks off that day. This is truly a problem for us. What should I do? I love him, but he isn't happy because I'm not fulfilling his needs and he has been telling me this for the last two years.
- Worn Out
Your husband sounds like a lovely guy - he freaks out, becomes mean, angry and won't talk to you if you don't give him what he wants, when he wants it? I've babysat for more mature individuals.
This has less to do with his perma-boner than it does with his inability to compromise and respect your needs. I'm sure you'd love a foot rub every day, 365 days a year, even when you wake up to go to work while he's still sleeping, but you're certainly not going to go around making him feel lousy for not giving you one if he's not in the mood. Or if he's sound asleep.
I'd say it's time you guys took a trip down therapy road. You need to get to a place where you both feel heard and taken care of, and since it sounds to me like he's only interested in taking care of himself, you're going to need a grown up in the room to make sure he behaves. Think of a therapist as a lunch lady of sorts, who can order him to the corner to take a time out next time he throws his baloney sandwich at you. Because if his solution to your problem for the past two years has been to complain about what a crappy wife you are, rather than think, "hmmm, the woman I love and want to spend the rest of my life with has different needs than I do - how can we make this work?" you are going to need some help.
You don't "owe" him unlimited sex, but he does owe you respect. I'm going to go ahead here and assume that he married you for more reasons other than the fact that you let him toss you around the bedroom, so he needs to start focusing more on those reasons, and less on what's in your pants. If this is impossible for him, and it's all sex, all the time or nothing, then perhaps you guys need to find other, more compatible mates.