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LAist Interview: Cage (Chris Palko)

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If the name Chris Palko doesn't mean anything to you, follow these steps:
Step 1) Get a fucking time capsule or something close to it --hell, go to the bank drive-thru teller if you have to and steal the bank drive-thru's tube-capsule.
Step 2) Write down the name Chris Palko on some deposit slips you prolly stole as well in the process.
Step 3) Rush home and prepare to bury this capsule --to be unearthed in say, 18 months.
Step 4) You now have 18 months to begin fucking --you have 1+ years to create a household. --get to "cramming"...'nuff baby-making time for 2 kids.
-Fast fwd in the space time continuum-
Step 5) It's been over a year, dig up that capsule and open it. Do you have a household? 'Cause you my friend, are holding a piece of paper with a Household name, and probably some Bank of America pens you stole. You bastard! You met Kennylz. . .
Welcome to the Cage Kennylz fan club. We've been waiting for you.

~Cage is my favorite rapper on this whole wide earth~
Hi Chris,
I want to get a picture of you, smiling. I think your next album cover should be a picture of you cheesing. Your label-mates, Hangar18 are rocking baking soda [in their video], you need to rock some Cheez-Whiz. What ya think? Too paradoxical?

No, I think artwork from Alex Pardee would be a lot better.

There is much reference to Stanley Kubrick in your music, obvs most notably the song Agent "A Clockwork" Orange. Did you ever get a chance to go to the Korova Milk Bar in the East Village of NYC? (Now moving to White Plains, NY).
Yeah, I was there, it was kind of novelty, but cute.

People want to know, out of your "old heads" (prior labels & groups --EasternConference/SmutPeddlers/etc), who are you still tight with? --Alchemist (producer)? Beetlejuice/Lester (appeared on the Smut Peddlers album cover/of Sten Show infamy)?
None of them.
Smut peddlers was a put together group, and Beetlejuice was Rawkus's idea.
I really didn't like that whole thing. Beetlejuice was famous because why??

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As the 'Weathermen' Prez (your main rap cliq), What is Cage's favorite 'season' of the year? People may ask why the fuck do I care? It's just amusing.
If you say Spring, it would be a funny visual in my head to see Chris on a beautiful spring day at a picnic on a blanket eatin' a sammich. If you say Winter, it'd be funny to picture Chris as a snow border (anything to bang Li[ndsay]Loh[an] right?)...

I think its funny that you can't really picture me doing normal human things. Am I really that dark?
I can snowboard not great, but I can. My favorite holiday is autumn because everything is me on the inside.(get it?)
...Fall time I could see you pissed off raking the leaves... and Summer, well there's nothing funny about a topless broad next to ya eh?
Actually, I don't rake leaves sen. I didn't even rake leaves when I was a teenager....shocking I know.

When I was in 7th grade it was the SHIET! Of course referring to The Mighty Morphing Power Rangers! Ha ha. My classmates sweated Power-Rangers like yentas sweat Oprah.
Anyways --Was the black power ranger, emo?

I think they were all very emotional to be suiting up trying to save mankind from foam monsters with karate.

LOL -What bout 'emo-spiderman'? (in Spiderman 3), what ya think of that portrayal?
Spiderman 3?? why would someone watch that after the first 2 shitbombs were made.

We know you're a movie buff -what was your fave Stanley Kubrick flick?
The Shining

So, you were down on the set of Transformers [to see your homie Shia LaBoeuf]? How was that?
Sick, I was drunk and on a half billion dollar set, and there was my childhood hero.
A robot that talked like John Wayne......Optimus Prime.


Photos by Cage via Myspace

I know you like Paul McCartney --what do you think about frigging "legless chick" (taking that $$ for 4 years of service)?
Paul is okay, I mean post Beatles??uhhhhhh...
"I would like to kick her in a pool and watch her swim in circles trying to get out"
- Jim Norton

El-P told me that this is, and I quote, "a Cage question," because I had asked him --what is up with the 'CupCake girls'? Re-invented ex-suicide girls? That makes 'em sound like they are reformed, lol.
I don't know really, I guess because I am friends with Katie Gilbert who made the whole thing.
Its just a dvd of like shocking shit, but half nude girls are doing it.
Its really fucked up. I like their website

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Speaking of God's Girls/Suicide Girls, apparently Scott Bayo was infamous for sleeping with the playmates for an entire year (Jan-Dec -12 playmates in a single calendar year). What is YOUR deal with those Gods Girls chicks? Wink wink.
No, I never did that -being one of satan's boys, it would be awkward, ya know?


Are you into Chuck Palahniuk? I fucking lent my copy of CHOKE to this b---h that never even, "choked on it," and never got the book back. I have read that he coined the term Suicide Girls.
I loved fight club, and no I didn't know that, but I didn't think that dude that owns SG coined it either.

Could you ever do an episode of MTV's Jackass + the stunts?
Yes, but for my stunt I would just hack my arms to bits until everyone left the room.
MTV might not like that.

What can you discuss about the bio-pic that Shia LaBeouf is working on ...the biopic about YOU.
Have you guys sold the rights? Started hiring writers? Does Shia have his own production company?

Shia has his own company, Grassy Slope films. He is producing the film, as well as starring.
We are in development right now. He just wrapped Indiana Jones 4 and we are looking for a writer.

Who will play you?

If you're not portraying yourself, will you do a cameo?
Maybe a cameo

So it's your life story that's being made into a movie?
Its from birth to about '98 or so --after I dropped agent orange.

How did you and Shia get stuff popping and meet in the first place?
There's a feature in SPIN magazine dropping in a month or so about the whole thing.
Shia was a cage fan and contacted me about doing a documentary and it turned into a movie.
We have been friends for over 3 years now and he is my CC [cardboard city] brother.

So, a hypothetical situation - let's say shit hits the fan, how does Chris vent in that situation, or do you just blackout in rage?
Haha, well I have always had anger management issues.
Blacking out is more fun but not the best solution,ever.
Okay sometimes it is the best solution,ever.

Your dad was an MP (probably went to the Military Police School in Missouri), right? Tell me about him, & would you ever do a USO tour [in Iraq]?
I was like sperm then, I don't recall anything before 3 yrs old.
I think the song I made with Jello Biafra would prevent the majority from wanting to see me even though I know a lot of GIs that play my music over there and that is pretty rad.

Out of all of the whole family of cardboardcity-weathermen, who would you say is the most well-adjusted/has their life straight (has the least vices)? Is it Aesop Rock? He seems like the posterboy of a great husband/guy.
Actually, I don't think anyone is, and thats why we all get along so well.
Aesop is great husband I dont know that he has no vices, but he gets this life thing a lot better than me.

You know I think on some website you can buy that giant penis (art/statue) from A Clockwork Orange -- would you ever put that 'art' in your home? [as homage obviously, not as brokeback]
No, I'm not that into giant penis art, ya know?
I would much prefer the wheelchair of the "Anthony Burgess" character.

You seem more cut and in shape than back in the day. Is that just as a result of living a healthier lifestyle?
Its a result of not wanting to be a fat fuck any more.
I work out and run all the time.

How does Chris get back at an ex-? --just writing a song about her? Hit her with some overly dramatic truth serum for the ears?
I think one the dumbest things I ever did was write songs about people I don't care about anymore. Like now I have these almost tribute like audio memorials to a few douchebags.
Its so much better to just forget about them. YOU HEAR THAT FUTURE EX'S YOU GET NOTHING!
shabooty: I second that. When I talk shit, it's merely a tribute via my blog-archives! ha ha.

What did you go as -for Halloween?
Well, I haven't dressed up in many years, but when I did I was Charlie Brown's ghost -ya know when everyone thought he was a rock.

It seems like you're a a lightning-rod when it comes to regs/forum nerds. Peeps love ya or they are haters. In terms of the haters, is it cause fitted-hats are in style, but customized, fitted micro-condoms aren't?
I don't really care what people say online or to me for that matter.
Opinions are gaping assholes with nothing but shit leaking from them.


Is there going to be a DJX-mas (Definitive Jux) Party? With some "People's Punch" (People's Punch is a cooler with two compartments -one with liquor and one with punch, and the people get to decide how they wanna mix it), and I am invited, right?
Well, why don't you just crash it, that's the real style.
I wouldn't know if there is one, but if there is I might attend.

If you were to get another tattoo, would you get Alex Pardee to design it?
Already on it sen.

You don't have to speak on it, (but I gotta ask).
Your mental health is a common theme in your music. Is it true though, you once tired to hang yourself with shoe laces [while at "the lodge" (Stoney Lodge)]?

Yes, and my big daddy kane tape.
a line from depart from me....
big daddy kane a taste of chocolate/wrapped the tape around the door knob and hung myself off it

Are there any urban legends out there about you that you want to debunk?
No, I wouldn't want to interfere with gossip obsessed peoples ideas of me.

So, how is your personality -behind- closed doors?
That's far too personal a question and I am not self absorbed enough to do that any justice.

As a humorist I try to gauge someone's sense of humor...
EL-P has an infamously good sense of humor -where are you on that scale?

Somewhere around John Candy's weight, wait he's dead now so he would weigh a lot less.
the dead john candy.

We both have something in common, they did test runs with you when Prozac was being introduced to the market. Can you say I had the diamond shaped blue pill before BG coined the term bling-bling?
(Okay I am kidding).

Are you in therapy? If so, how often do you visit a shrink?
No, I'm not, but I have had about 13 doctors since i was 12.
Look how good it works!!

Have you mellowed out in the recent years?
Yes, by smoking tons of pot. I stop?? I am 15 again bouncing off the walls like lost sperm destined to fail.

How long can you last in a room with a vapid chick? ( i.e. how many seconds after you bust a nut? lol).
I ask that because you seem to appreciate art, interesting people, personality, and originality.

Well then, there's your answer.
I am certainly not one to take part in banality.

What do you think of Radiohead's move to give their album out like they did? The latest hooplah was that people were complaining of the bitrate of the mp3s being too normalized and shitty quality.
I think its great, I wish I could afford to do that.

We know about the past, but fuck the past... present day, how much of the 'drug shit' is 'shtick,' and how much is still MOC-mad outta control? Is the monkey off your back?
I don't do hard drugs anymore. I don't really even drink except when I am on half billion dollar sets.
I do smoke a lot of pot.
The drug monkey been replaced with a mental health ape.

Did you ever go to rehab?
Well, stoney lodge was mental health and rehab --I was on a dual diagnosis.

Any period of your life you've had to be on the wagon?
Never have been on any wagons --I don't think I am a drug addict.
Drug addicts don't stop when they want --I do.

What would you be doing today if you weren't rapping?
I am almost positive that I would be a well renowned stenographer.

Could you ever see yourself being a motivational speaker, speaking on your past experiences or is that too. . .cliche'
Well, I just did a bit on, it's an MTV website for suicidal college kids or people.
That's about as motivational as I can get, I can barely motivate myself to get up sometimes.

Ya got a few aliases and shit --any thing you HATE being called?
I hate it when people calls me a genius, I know I am not, so what are these people really up to?

How'd you get the name Cage?
cancer, aids, government, environment/ my name embodies 4 exits which doorway am i lying in?

What is your favorite reality show?
UFC --I like watching friends beat the shit out of each other.

Excuse the cliche' --Would you say that EL-P is the glue that keeps everything fine-tuned, oiled, and pumping at DefJux?
No, I would say he is the glue bottle and the hand of thy lord squeezing it out.

Being at a smaller label vs a bigger one... what are the pros over having a big machine behind you?
Bigger machine bigger cock in your ass.


Photo by Jenerally Speaking via flickr

Not that you need help, but let me go on the record as saying I wouldn't mind standing next to Shia LaBoeuf. I am sure everywhere he goes, he always steps on a PUSSY-BOMB, and I just what to be around to get hit with some "Pussy-Shrapnel." If not that, you know, like a drunken Rhianna ACCIDENTALLY mistakes me for Shia and falls into my arms.
I think that was gonna be my DJ name if I was to ever DJ... DJ PUSS-SHRAP. or not.

Anyways, tell us about your website that has JUST LAUNCHED.
What can we expect on it? Any blogging? WWW.CHRISPALKO.COM

Its a house and there is no menu. You have to feel your way around.
There will be a blog kind of thing, but its just filled with exerts from shit I wrote in stoney lodge(diary) poetry and lyrics. I would never do a day to day of what I am doing.

What is up with your present day immediate /family/ life?
Its okay, I have a real small family.

What is the hardest part of touring?
I love it all.

What are your favorite cities to play?

What city has the hottest broads?
The places that get the most sun.

I ran into you in DC at the Aesop Rock show. It seemed like you were "HEADING FOR Z'EEE HILLS," when I saw you. It was nice to hang for a min, but you were out the door.
What is your move usually after you get off stage --do you have a ritual?

Yeah, I had to run right after the show, we had a long drive to Pittsburgh.
No rituals nothing out of the ordinary. I know some people do, but they are usually idiots. Like play a fucking show and thats that. My rider can consist of water and towels for all I care.
I am here for those kids, thats it.

We know the album is dropping in 2008. Will Daryl be on it? What other DefJukies? & What's it gonna be called?
Depart From Me
Daryl is one of the executive producers, and I don't have any rappers on my record.
Wesley Eisold and Daryl probably are my only appearances.

Which artist do you get with in the studio, and you feel that time flies the most with that person? Where it feels least like work.
I would say my brother F.Sean Martin --we smoke so much weed and laugh, then again me and Daryl do that also, but F has done a lot of stuff on my record.

Lastly, I want to pitch you a song idea, but it's self-deprecating. When deciding if whether or not we should do the interview as a phoner or not, I checked out a phone recording on my comp. It's a recorded "phone-bone" session --I got through 4-minutes of it before I had to stop it and luckily before it got "down." But wow, if you ever hear yourself back in a call like that, ...guys are creepy! So, the premise for the song --at least the hook: it's a chick singing lyrics, in response to a creepy guy's sound bites/clips, of him hitting on her, asking wacky questions.
(I was doing this all as research by the way --I want writing credits). LOL $

I think in today's market place, you can find a home for that in about 3 seconds.
However, I do have a song on Depart From Me about stalking a girl.


Much Love-Nullus Brokeback.