I Have The Hots for Someone Who's Taken

Emails that get sent to thelaist at gmail dot com sometimes get answered on the site, so be careful

Tony,

I know you're the hardest working man in show business, but I'm at my wits end and feel as though I have no other resource for wise advice. For the longest time, I never believed the saying, "You will meet someone once you stop looking..." Lately, I have been so busy with so many different things that I have forgot all about the game.

Last Saturday night, while out with co-workers and roommates of co-workers, I realized someone perfect for me has been right in front of me all along. The kicker, she is dating some dude she never sees, who has a job cleaning the Red Line cars at night or some nonsense like that. Good women here in The Valley are few and far between. This girl made me forget about the "one I thought I would never forget about" and after having my heart removed via my ass numerous times, I feel as though I need to make every effort to make this a success.

I have been blessed/cursed as the "nice guy" for the better part of my life, but Raquel and I get along very well and I think if I had woken up a month or two earlier, things may have gone differently. What's a guy to do?

Cheers,
Ted in Tarzana

++++++++++++++

Dear Ted,

There's a saying in sales "Sell What's Available Today". Some managers just call it SWAT but then they forget what it stands for.

If you're chasing some girl whose not available today you need to open up shop somewhere else. We're sold out of Nice Guy. Plenty of Gentlemen in the back but they only go to Qualified applicants.

If you want Nice Guy, head on down to Dumbass City.

Don't get us wrong, sometimes the temptations are strong, or the situation looks dire on the other side of the fence. Bro could be cleaning the Red and the Gold Line for all we care, all that matters is she's tied her hitch to that star and she's got the right to go down that path without Ted in Tarzana sniffing around every five seconds.

There are millions of women in this town my friend. Half of them are single, half of them are legal, half of them are in your age range, probably, and half of them are hot. Especially if they're in the Val. Ha. Anyways that's at least ten thousand or so that are available today. If not more.

As for finding what you want when you're not looking. That's a very debatable phrase that puts the power into weird things like Fate and Luck and randomness that you have no control over. If you're going to believe in that, why even try at all?
Lee Trevino after hitting a hole-in-one picked the ball out of the hole non chalantly and when the reporters were all gasping he tossed the club in the bag and said, "I don't know what the big deal is - that is what I was aiming for."

Regarding Luck he said, "the more I practice the luckier I get."

So the advice appears to be: practice, play for real with someone who is available, aim, go for it, and don't be shocked when you get lucky.

xoxoxoxox

The Editor