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How To Wrap a Present Like a Man

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Men don't have time for scissors and tape and bows or string and all of that hoo-ha. We barely have time to get gifts. If it weren't for well-stocked convenience stores and bootleg dvds littering our favorite street corners, our loved ones would never get a crummy gift.

Big surprise, but nowhere we ever go has free gift wrapping like at those perfumey Nordstroms and crud, so once a year we have to dig through our closets and dust off long forgotten gift wrap. I am here to show you how to wrap your gifts while keeping your dignity.

The first picture we see here shows the only tape thats acceptable in a bachelor's quarters -- duct tape. When someone gets a gift from a man wrapped in duct tape they know they're getting something that isn't going to be easily unwrapped by some nosy kid.

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Everyone else in the world chooses invisible tape, and if we were wimpy invisible tape we'd be too ashamed to want to be noticed too. Duct tape is proud. It's visible. It has no shame. Nor should it have shame.

This present above was wrapped with fewer strips of tape, which is always the desired goal. There's television to watch and porn to analyze. However, a wise bachelor will give himself an easy way to slip in a special addition to a gift. Thus the "Oh Crap" fold is necessary, which is sealed with the Lil' Piece O' Tape.

This strip can be later removed to shove something else into the package (lottery tickets, bugs, stray cigarettes, baseball cards), and retaped using a fresh strip of duct tape, and no one will be the wiser.

Oh now we're talking. One strip of tape will bind them all! This is accomplished by putting the present in the middle of the paper, folding both ends over and using one strip to tape the whole thing together.

And this is obviously perfection personified. This says, "A man gave you this, and he damn well could be an engineer, or MacGyver himself."

And what's best is, just like good lingerie, it can all be removed with one firm tug.

Happy holidays bitches.

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photos by Sonny I. LaVista for LAist

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