Attention People Pleasers: Here’s How To Start Saying ‘No’ To Social Invites

It can sometimes feel impossible to say this two letter word: no.

When a friend or acquaintance invites you to something, you may send an overly-explanatory excuse to get out of it. Or worse, you might end up saying yes just to avoid creating an awkward situation.

Well, there's good news for the people pleasers of the world — research shows you are likely overthinking the negative consequences of just saying "no, thanks" when you don't want to attend that social gathering for no other reason than you simply don't feel like it.

Here are the takeaways, plus some advice for feeling more confident when saying no.

Relax your inner monologue

Will they be mad? Will they stop inviting me to things in the future? Try to quiet those inner thoughts and concerns. A recent study shows that people are usually much more sympathetic when others decline an invitation.

“People are not as upset as we think they’re going to be,” said Professor Colleen Kirk, who co-authored the study. “People think more about what the thoughts going through our mind and our deliberations than focusing on the fact that we are declining their invitation.”

Kirk said it helps if you put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Would you understand if a friend declined your invitation? Probably. Your friend probably will too.

Your excuse doesn’t have to be that great

Even if you managed to turn down the invitation, you probably put a lot of thought into how to delicately craft the message.

Of course, it's good practice to say no in a thoughtful and kind manner, but it turns out even saying, “I just feel like staying home,” works. Kirk’s research tested that excuse and people still overestimated how upset others would be.

Lower your expectations

We’re experiencing a lot of social pressure these days, according to San Jose-based therapist and counselor Sharon Martin. As a result, we have unrealistic expectations and think we should easily be able to do everything.

“And this is simply not possible, right? So it makes it hard for us to say no because then we feel like we're doing something wrong, like we're failing in some way,” Martin said.

Don’t say no to EVERYTHING

Rather, pay attention to what you need in that moment.

“Do I need to stay home or do I need to be around people? Do I need to push myself out of my comfort zone or do I need to rest and turn inward? Both are valid depending on what you need in a different situation,” Martin said.

Martin added that we should stop thinking of these as excuses and instead as valid reasons. What we’re really doing is taking care of ourselves.

Consider your history and learn from it

Martin said the people who struggle most with this issue likely had a particularly negative experience when they said no in the past.

“We take that negative experience with us into other relationships and other encounters with completely different people,” she said. “And we start to assume that everybody is going to respond negatively when we say no.”

More on how to say no

Kirk and Martin joined Austin Cross on AirTalk, LAist 89.3's daily news program. Listen to the full conversation below.