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Great News For (Famous) People Who Rape Children!
Roman Polanski Drugged And Raped A 13 Year Old Girl.
My apologies if saying this in plain terms offends the delicate feelings of those of you who apparently believe that his career of mostly mediocre films makes him some kind of irreplaceable genius. My further apologies if, by using the accurate terminology to describe what happened, I have caused anyone to run for the fainting couch. I hope you understand how deeply and sincerely sorry I am for my rudeness. By way of apology, let me just say that Roman Polanski drugged and raped a 13 year old girl, and anyone arguing that he should not see justice, that justice has already been served, that somehow this wasn't a big deal, or that he has already paid some kind of karmic debt, is a creepy rape apologist who ought to be ashamed.
Ha ha, of course I'm joking!
Obviously, the public outcry against Polanski for the "crime" that he "committed", and the expressed desire to see him "punished" for it, are patently wrong on numerous levels. Why? I'm glad you asked! Allow us to explain!
1) Look, it's been what, like 30ish years? That's a long ass time people. Why, the alleged "victim" isn't even 13 anymore! How can you punish Polanski for something he did to a 13 year old who has shamelessly, and I might add, dishonestly transformed herself into a 40-something woman?
2) Let's all stop selfishly obsessing over this wanton slut's accurate, undisputed, and admitted-to-under-oath "accusations", and think for a moment about what poor Polanski has been through since then: over 30 years of horrendous exile in France. FRANCE, PEOPLE! Forced, forced I say, to subsist on nothing but a diet of delicious French food, amazing French wine, surrounded by disgustingly beautiful French women, unable to see except by the light that shines off his Oscar. Why, he's even had to endure the sick, immoral, do-gooder socialism of that sinful nation's free and highly renowned health care system. His only friends are the numerous actors, producers, highly ranked government officials and socialites who adore him and have done everything possible to pretend he didn't drug and rape a 13 year old girl, and have used all their power and influence to shield him from punishment. Can you look at yourself in the mirror and honestly think that you wouldn't crack under such torture? I think not.
3) As has been pointed out by numerous fiscal scolds, this is simply a waste of taxpayer money. After all, since when has it been the job of our government to make sure that "the law" is equally and fairly applied to all people? That's commie talk. No, wait, that's homosexual commie talk. No, wait, that's homosexual, commie, bigoted against-rapists talk, and anyone even thinking along these lines can go back to Russia. No sir, the job of our government is to funnel millions of dollars into the coffers of major corporations, slash taxes on the wealthy, and make absolutely certain that public universities are unaffordable to anyone but the rich. You know the expression: "Justice delayed is too big of a hassle to follow through with". I think we can all agree it applies here. IN SPADES! Meanwhile, we could use that money to start another illegal war, this time with Iran, right?
4) She's forgiven him! And we all know that the law works just like Facebook: once you decide to re-friend someone, it's all good1. Oh sure, this forgiveness came at the cost of decades of therapy, not to mention a hefty settlement paid to her by Polanski. And sure, most rape victims - sorry, "victims" - typically find themselves subject to completely fair and totally relevant invasions of their private lives (because seriously, once your privates have been invaded, it's only fair and symmetrical for your private life to follow), completely true accusations that they secretly wanted it, and of course the delightfully terrifying harassment from supporters of the so-called rapist. This doesn't have any bearing whatsoever on their desire to have the whole thing to just kind of go away, and you're an art hating, victim-loving asshole for thinking otherwise.
5) How dare you! Don't you know that his wife was killed! By evil Hippies! Sure, many years before, and sure, no one is quite sure how they're related, but you know how they say two wrongs always make a right? Never more true than here.
6) Hitler. Hitler Holocaust Hitler Holocaust Hitler Holocaust Hitler Holocaust Hitler Holocaust Hitler Holocaust Hitler Holocaust Hitler Holocaust Hitler. Oh, and Hitler, you anti-Semitic fuck. Hitler. After all, anyone who survived WWII and narrowly avoided the Holocaust is automatically given a blank check to be as terrible a human being as they want. Just ask Magneto!
These are all very excellent reasons for not punishing Polanski for the very forgivable crime of having consensual rape-sex with a 13 year old2. However, the debate over the Polanski situation has revealed some compelling fissures that exist in our legal system, chief among them the issue of figuring out whether or not an artist or particular celebrity can, or should, be forgiven for a given crime they may have committed. This is both a logistic and jurisdictional issue. After all, it's well known that California law stipulates, except in rare circumstances, that celebrity status alone is itself an acceptable alibi3. But the outcries for Polanski's forgiveness are from millions who live outside of the reach of California law4. How then do we accommodate their concerns in this process?
Fortunately, I have consulted professor Greg Saunders, Lucasian Professor of Tauronexcrementus at The Talent Show institute of technology, and we have devised a mathematical algorithm that should, in theory, solve these questions once and for all. I present to you now:
The Forgiveness Quotient
This theorem can be expressed as the following formula: FQ = 1/(KCR = (d*g)/s^v ) * (TI = (10m + 25(6-h))/a)
That is, Forgiveness Quotient equals one divided by the Karmic Credit Rating (the number of decades elapsed since the crime was committed, or [d], multiplied by the greatness of artist's creative put since then, or [g], divided by the severity of the crime [s]), raised to the power of the number of victims [v] of the artist's crime), multiplied by the Tragedy Index (the sum of ten times the number of relatives [m] who have been murdered and 25 times the absolute number of degrees of separation the artist is from Hitler [6-h], divided by current age of the criminal/artist.)The data for Polanski is as follows:
His crime was committed in 1977. Therefore:
D = 3.1
Polanski has made 9 films since he fled the country. We'll award him 10 out of 10 for the Pianist, and 1 point for everything else. Therefore:
G = 18
To calculate the severity of a crime, you take the rating per crime (on a scale of 1-100). Polanski committed rape. We'll give it the same rating out of 100 that society seems to: 75. However, he also drugged his victim: we'll rate that as 10. Therefore, S = 85. He raped 1 person. V = 1. Therefore:
S^V = 85
This means Polanski's Karmic Credit Rating is 1.54.
Polanski lost his wife and unborn child, but also at least 9 relatives during World War Two. We'll say he lost a total of 11 relatives. Therefore:
11m = 110.
Polanski is a Jewish survivor of WWII, but narrowly evaded the holocaust. Thus, his degree of separation from Hitler is 2. 6 minus 2 = 4 Therefore:
25(4) = 100.
Polanski's Age is 76.
This means Polanski's Tragedy Index is 2.76.
By applying the above formula, Polanski's Forgiveness Quotient is determined to be approximately 4.23. Thus, he is entitled to rape 3.23 more people without fear of any consequences.
The steady application of this extremely accurate formulation will doubtlessly save many innocent celebrities from the indignity of being punished for their crimes. But what about the rest of us? That's why I'm proud to announce the formation of an exciting new business venture: The Tragedy Hedge Fund. Here is, in a nutshell, how it works:
You tell us the crime you wish to commit. We will then calculate the minimum FQ required for someone of your artistic merit and socio-economic status. Once determined, we will use patented time-travel technology to arrange, ex-post-facto, an appropriate personal tragedy guaranteed to offset your relative lack of fame or wealth, which you can then point to as mitigation for your future crime. For example, should you wish to rob a bank, we will need to go back and expose your mother to plutonium, so that she will tragically die of cancer, thus adding the necessary tinge of tragic undertone to your childhood. However, should you wish to rob the US Mint, we'll probably have to arrange for you to be molested by Gary Glitter5. Yes, it might will have hurt you then, but it may will have benefited you later!
Once we've incorporated in Delaware, we'll issue a press release with more information. In the meantime, we strongly suggest that you become an acclaimed, wealthy artist. Based on the outpouring of support for the child-raping genius known as Roman Polanski, it can only help.
1) To be fair, according to biblical law, he only needs to marry her to make this go away. Perhaps he can be tried in the South?
2) We all remember when the AP helpfully referred to the 14 year old victim of rape at the hands of a US soldier who then killed her and her entire family to cover up the crime, as a "14 year old woman", right? And too right! Only white teenagers who are raped by non-celebrity nonwhites are given the courtesy of being accurately described as a 'girl'. Everyone else, they're just a bunch of nasty whores.
3) Though in all fairness this law applies only in cases of DUI, petty larceny, securities fraud, and the spouse-related homicide.
4) NOTE: The concerns of Mormons always fall within California's Jurisdiction. They are also exempt from First Amendment prohibitions against the establishment of a state religion.5) Sorry Gary, but Rock n Roll Part 2 and Do You Wanna Touch Me? just don't cut it. To be fair, it's more a quantity issue. Polanski wisely limited himself to only one child rape. Oh well.
All photos public domain, via wikipedia. You will of course note that the image of Lolita was cleverly selected because Polanski, deeply misunderstanding the point of Nabokov's book, compared his victim to Lolita. Ross, +1 ironic literary joke? I think so.
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