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Arts and Entertainment

'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: What Happened in Vegas

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"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" is settling into a pattern this season: brawl, rest. Brawl, rest. This week was an episode of rest, letting the dust settle, giving the housewives some time to reattach their hair extensions, splash some cold water on their plastic faces, repair their chipped manicures, and take a few deep yogic breaths so that they can fire off another projectile of fury on one another next week.

The main conflict this week was the dueling Vegas parties. As we know, Adrienne was upset with Lisa for not giving her family’s hotel, The Palms, free advertising on national television hosting Pandora’s bachelorette party at her family’s hotel, The Palms, so she cleverly organized a girls’ getaway to Vegas for the same weekend so the Maloof business would still get screen time. She invited Brandi, Camille, DD, and Dana, of all people, whose attendance was made slightly scandalous by the fact that Taylor, Dana’s only point of entry into the Real Housewives, was with Lisa for Pandora’s party, meaning that Dana apparently deflected in order to be with what she thought would be the more impressive soiree.

This would be a twist, if not for the fact that Dana is a materialistic famewhore.

With both Lisa and Adrienne leading troops into the lawless desert city, the stage could have been set for an epic, tequila-fueled war. Instead, both groups seemed to enjoy relatively tame weekends, and never the two battalions did meet.

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However, the goings-on of both parties were indeed telling. In Adrienne’s camp, the girls enjoyed a nice, quiet dinner in a beautiful suite at The Palms, over which Dana told Camille that she was wearing a necklace that she got on sale for $1 million, which is hilarious because even Camille finds that offensive and Camille at one point had four nannies for two children. The group then partook in some sexy, private bowling inside the suite (the better to show off the accommodations at The Palms, my dear), and finally it was off to the club, where Camille was free to let loose with her Club MTV dance moves, and Brandi was free to place both hands on Camille’s ass in an effort to regain the attention of the world/Eddie Cibrian.

Meanwhile, Lisa’s party was enjoying the most boring, awkward bachelorette party ever, because Lisa is Pandora’s mother, and mothers have no place at bachelorette parties. I remember feeling utterly confused when Pandora begged - yes! begged - Lisa to come a few episodes ago. At the time, it seemed like maybe Pandora was just being nice, or she had a legitimately good relationship with her mom (weird), but I’m starting to wonder whether Pandora actually just can’t do much without Lisa there, a fact that would make perfect sense if we’re thinking about the kind of parent Lisa probably was (read: domineering). It’s kind of sad to think that, though, so I’m going to assume that after the cameras stopped rolling on Pandie’s party, she went out alone with her friends to a real strip club and got bombed, took a spin on the pole and woke up the next morning covered in her own vomit in a strange hotel suite, as bachelorette parties were meant to be.

Anyway, what we did see was Lisa, Taylor, Pandora and Pandora’s friends go out for an expensive dinner, during which all of Pandie’s buddies displayed their “someone’s mother is here” smiles and polite conversation skills. The crew then hit the Chippendale’s show, and I’d like to be able to say something more about it - like about how once you’ve seen Lisa do a lap dance, you can never unsee it - but unfortunately that segment of the episode put me to sleep.

One nice thing about last night, though, was that it was blessedly low on Kyle. We were invited in as photographers took pictures of her for the cover of her book - OH YEAH. Sometimes as I’m writing these I have to rack my brain to remember what happened, especially when it comes to Kyle, because if she’s not wagging her finger in someone’s face, her life is almost completely forgettable. But we did find out last night that she’s “writing a book.” A book about what, you ask? Why, about her life, of course! Her perfect, perfect life, which you should all endeavor to have, because it’s perfect, and it’s the Way You Do Things. She said the book will be memoir-ish, but also dabble in fashion and beauty because, well, that’s what she loves! That, and telling other people what to do. And if last night’s photo shoot is any indication, the cover of her book is going to feature her in an evening gown, looking on happily as her dog slowly overdoses on cheese.

But that’s not all that’s going on in the Richards’ world. As Kyle was out shopping for her “white party” (awkwardly introduced as such, with no other explanation), she sort of bumped into Kim, who was apparently just wandering around outside the dress shop. In a refreshing change of events, Kim is having a nervous breakdown. Her kids are rebelling against her new man, and meanwhile, it sounds like hew new man acts like a petulant child when Kim goes to spend time with her kids. Kyle feels that she has the answer to this problem: Kim should continue to be alone rather than try to be in a relationship. After saying as much, Kyle then notes in an interview that she kept this opinion to herself. Kim breaks down in sobs, and Kyle manages to comfort her without whispering in her ear, “you’re horrible at life, and everything you do is a failure,” which I imagine took a great deal of restraint on Kyle’s part.

So basically, this week provided a brief respite from Taylor’s slowly crumbling life, a thread that -- don't worry! -- will be picked back up next week.