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The Best And Worst Of The Golden Globes 2014

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Tina Fey and Amy Poehler at the Golden Globes (Getty)
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The Golden Globe Awards are secretly the best awards show on TV. Or at least, it possesses the greatest capacity to be the most enjoyable—the whole thing, from the nominations, to the guests, to the actual broadcast itself, is a joke. But it's of Dad Joke quality: utterly predictable but amusing in spite of its obviousness. Also, everyone's drunk! How else would Film Stars even dare to be in the same room as Television Actors? ("Television is art now, the New Yorker said so," coos the lead of a CBS procedural. "Fuck off, I have an Oscar and your show airs on Tuesdays.")

Tina! Amy! God, we're so lucky. The two hosted again (as they will next year), but they were hardly on stage. But they are still possibly (definitely) the best hosts ever, because their comic best friendship hits across all quadrants of the Awards Show Host Matrix: they're just as funny to you when sober and as they are when you're totally lit up. They're the peoples' hosts. It's all very meta because they're just trying really hard to make the people there in person laugh and that's actually really funny to us rubes watching at home!

Anyway, let's talk about the best and the worst things that happened last night during the three hour broadcast that forced me to make some tough choices with my DVR. (HBO. Guys. What are you doing?)

BEST: Tina Fey: "[Gravity] is the story about how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die then spend one minute with a woman his own age." Somebody book a bed in the B U R N ward.

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WORST: (Also, George, Monuments Men looks awful! And you have Her Radiance Cate Blanchett. Why?)

BEST: America's Best Friend Jennifer Lawrence uses Google and tried to pretend she's seen all the movies nominated this year but couldn't even commit to the lie because honestly who has???

BEST: With her acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actress, Comedy, Jennifer Lawrence Backlash has maybe, possibly begun? We need to just get this over with. We'll all be better for it.

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WORST: What is Dancing on the Edge? (Jacqueline Bisset won for Best Supporting TV Actress.) Oh. It's on Starz. The premium channel your cable company is basically giving away because no one actually wants it.

BEST: Jacqueline Bisset: "Go to hell or don't come back."

BEST: Someone give the guy who's in charge of the censor button at NBC a raise because he managed to bleep every word of Bisset's speech except "shit."

WORST: Behind the Candelabra winning Best Miniseries or TV Movie. THAT WAS NOT LOVE, Michael Douglas and Matt Damon.

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BEST: Elisabeth Moss winning for Top of the Lake: "I'm totally shaking like Jennifer Lawrence said!"

BEST: Matt Damon, ad-libbing like everyone's dad would: "It's me, the garbage man. The garbage man who didn't bring his glasses."

WORST: That garbage Cadillac CTS commercial that tried to conflate the prominence of the founding of the Ramones with a car you don't want to buy.

BEST: You go, HFPA President: "The moment everyone's been waiting for: the president's speech. Or as the people watching at home call it, 'bathroom break.'" (Too true. Such realness.)

WORST: Coach Taylor is in Wolf of Wall Street and Leo throws a lobster at him.

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BEST: Gwyneth. Gwyneth fucking gets it.

WORST: Paula Patton your shoulder exploded did you know?????

WORST: Let's enter a moratorium for Aaron Paul's "YEAH BITCH" for exactly 10,000 years, OK?

BEST: J.Law walking around with a glass of wine and a Golden Globe.

WORST: The lyric "I want to see you be brave."

BEST: Kate Beckinsale, human.

WORST: Kate Beckinsale, Instagram filter.

BEST: Sean Combs seemed a little drunk on stage presenting Best Original Score to that guy who looks like a missing Mumford son. "Everyone just keep drinking."

WORST: Not enough Tina and Amy. There's never enough Tina and Amy.

BEST: The Chicago Fire guys trying to pronounce Behind the Candelabra. "Rob Lowe, Behind the Candlubwaaahhhhh..."

WORST: Jon Voight winning for Ray Donovan, which is terrible television and you should never, ever watch it.

WORST: Her being nominated for Best Comedy. Because there's nothing funny about a movie that shows us how love can be as fleeting as a status update.

BEST: Amy Adams winning Best Comedy Actress for American Hustle.

WORST: The Tina-and-Amy-as-her-fake-son-Randy bit. It just didn't work, guys!

WORST: Robin Wright winning Best TV Drama Actress for House of Cards. That show is what garbage would look like in 1080p.

BEST: Jordan Catalano won a Golden Globe. In a man-bun.

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Man buns win the Golden Globes (Getty Images)
WORST: But he'll still never love you like Brian Krakow probably would.

WORST: Whatever the fuck that movie is with Colin Farrell and Sybil from Downton Abbey.

BEST: Emma Thompson giving zer0 fucks.

WHAT: Andy Samberg won a Golden Globe for Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Remember when we all watched "Lazy Sunday" over and over on "that video site You-Tube Dot Com?"

WORST: Melissa McCarthy "playing" Matt Damon. Or something? Peak Drunk in that room. And it went on for a minute!

WELL: Michael Douglas.

BEST: The thought of Chris Pine and Emma Watson dating.

BEST: Amy Poehler finally (finally!) winning Best Comedy TV Actress for Parks and Recreation.

WORST: GODDAMMIT IF I HAVE TO SEE THAT LABOR DAY TRAILER ONE MORE TIME

BEST: Tina: "There's a special place in Hell for you." Book a bed next to Clooney in the B U R N ward, Taylor.

EH: Woody Allen wins the Cecil B. DeMille Award.

ACTUAL WINNER:

BEST: Diane Keaton.

Diane Keaton Honors Woody Allen - Cecil B...by IdolxMuzicWORST: That a L'oreal ad with Diana Keaton ran right after her speech ("speech?").

BEST: Alfonso Cuarón winning Best Director for Gravity. I still suffer from post-traumatic space disorder.

WEIRD: Uma Thurman and Chris Evans are the oddest presenter pairing ever, yes?

HUH: Brooklyn Nine-Nine won Best TV Comedy. I mean, it's OK?

BEST: Leo, ridiculous golden retriever, wins Best Actor, Comedy for Wolf of Wall Street.

BEST: The real Niki Lauda presenting Rush with Chris Hemsworth.

OK: American Hustle wins Best Comedy (or Musical).

BEST: Tina: "Like a supermodel's vagina, please welcome Leonardo DiCaprio!" Current patients in the B U R N ward: Clooney, Taylor, Leo.

BEST:: Cate Blanchett winning Best Actress, Drama for Blue Jasmine. I felt just as manic and unhinged as Jasmine at this point. (I know you can tell.)

WORST: Chiwetel Ejiofor losing Best Actor, Drama.

BEST: McConaughey opening with "all right, all right, all riiiigghhhttt."

BEST: 12 Years A Slave wins Best Picture, Drama.

"This was the beautiful mess we hoped it would be!" Couldn't have said it better myself, Tina. The Oscars air March 2. You have so many movies to pretend to see and care about it. Until then! XOXO

Aleksander Chan is editor of Austinist. You can follow him at @aleksnotalex on Twitter.

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