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Arts and Entertainment

Liveblogging the 84th Annual Academy Awards

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8:39 Billy Crystal just said the BEST LINE OF THE EVENING: "Goodnight!" Yep, it's over. Thanks from me (Lindsay) & Mud on the couch in L.A., Christine in the Pressroom at the "Your Name Here/It's Not Just a Mall Theatre," Jen in New York.

8:36 "The Artist" wins Best Picture. Clearly, it's because of the dog.
"the oscars gave it to The Artist so they could see UGGIE!!!!!!!!! DOGZ R CUTE" --JC

8:32 "And then there was one," says Billy Crystal. Yes IT'S THE LAST ONE.

8:29 Best Actress goes to Meryl Streep for playing Margaret Thatcher. It was either her or Michelle Williams, obvs, since it always goes to ladies who play real people. Riiiiiight?

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8:27 Of Rooney Mara: "Is she real? Is she Anime?" --MB

8:24 Here is the lovely Colin Firth to award Best Actress. First, though, he must woodenly read tributes to each nominee off the teleprompter.

8:18 As this show drags on towards the end of its third hour, we are subjected to this bloating up of the evening with personal nods to each of the actors in the Best Actor category.

Best Actor goes to Jean Dujardin from "The Artist." "Let's see if he uses more than 2 words in his acceptance speech." --MB As Dujardin references the first Academy Awards (hosted by Douglas Fairbanks, lasted less than an hour), Natalie Portman wrings her hands and smiles tersely off to the side. Apparently this Frenchman has no need for that "American sense of false graciousness" (MB) since he didn't bother to "thank his fellow nominees." And, hey, JD "you are no cuba gooding jr!" --JC

8:04 Billy Crystal introduces the "In Memoriam" segment by remembering two past Oscars telecast producers, Laura Ziskin and Gil Cates. The segment is being done with rather lovely black and white photos (and a few clips).

7:57 During Board of Governors montage, and after a long spell of not really watching: "Are they doing the Dinner Theatre Awards?" --MB

7:56 From the pressroom: Flight of the Concords' Bret McKenzie talks #Muppets: Feels the pressure of living up to legacy of Rainbow Connection. -CZ

7:50 Less a political joke and more a jovial bit of movie-themed wordplay, but Michael Douglas is announced as having been "occupying Wall Street" since before it was cool. It's Best Director time, which means (I think? I hope!) the show is coming closer to its conclusion. What's left? The "In Memoriam" montage, Actor, Actress, Film, and a countless number of useless "movies are magic memories!" segments.

And Best Director is...Michel Hazanavicius for "The Artist."

7:42 I'm still stuck on the fact that 2 Bridesmaids just did shots of vodka when someone shouted "Scorese" from the audience, but Jen from Gothamist is keeping it classy with category related trivia: fyi, terry george, who just won for short film "the shore," wrote and directed "Hotel Rwanda."

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7:39 The "Bridesmaids" bring the dick jokes.

7:36 From the pressroom: Christopher Plummer on winning tonight: "It's recharged me...I can do it for another 10 years at least"

7:30 Best Original Screenplay goes to Woody Allen for "Midnight in Paris." Not surprisingly, Allen isn't there to accept his award. Paging Sacha Baron Cohen!

Off topic: The graphics/title cards for the films in the adapted screenplay category were really lovely, yeah?

7:28 "Descendants" scribes score Best Adapted Screenplay. "i love that the dean from community (jim rash) is trying to pose like angelina." -JC

7:25 Angelina Jolie as Jessica Rabbit.

7:22 Jen from Gothamist and I are discussing the crappy decision making behind not having the mere two "Best Original Song" nominees perform live. The year the Muppets were up! Jen hits us with some more/less requests: "they should have less cirque and more muppets," and more will & zach, less billy (please).

7:18 Brett from "Flight of the Conchords" accepts the Best Original Song for the song from the Muppet Movie. (I'm still sad the Muppets didn't get to host. Aren't we all sad about that right now?) Will Ferrell and Zach Galifinakis were pretty legit funny (or the beer is sufficiently working on me)--and, if you want to see a few more Best Original Song videos, check us out!

7:10 Oscars Prez calls tonight's show the highlight of the year for Hollywood. Man, that's sad.

7:08 Billy Crystal just made a Christopher Plummer is so old joke. "Has he looked at his own saggy balls yet?" --MB Now we get to the "If I had 'em I'd lick 'em" part. How apropos!

7:05 Still jammin' to that sweet Casiotone beat. Our A&E Editor, in the pressroom, texted to tell us that no actors have made it backstage to where she is being corralled. "This sucks," she adds. Hey, it sucks from the couch, too!

7:01 Christopher Plummer, at 82, just became the oldest actor to win an Oscar. Sorry, Santorum, this one isn't for your team.

6:58 Melissa "F-Bomb" Leo is here to present the Best Supporting Actor award. She's behaving herself, so I'm getting us a snack.

6:54 I don't know if Emma Stone(d) was a bit or not, however, it seems pretty clear that Ben Stiller is an Oompa Loompa. Is this the "Willy Wonka" tribute segment?

6:52 Emma Stone is straight up high. That makes her...wait for it...Emma Stoned!

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Octavia Spencer in "The Help"
6:40 Oscar has a mere two years on Christopher Plummer. By the time this show gets out, Plummer may have 2 years on Oscar.

6:38 We're packing up and hitting the road for Vegas to catch Cirque du Soleil! See ya! (We'd head to the "Your Name Here/It's Not Just a Mall Theatre" but, for some reason Cirque isn't playing tonight. Hmmm.)

6:35 Kermit and Miss Piggy are sending us to the movies. Moody music, film clips, and dudes in suits flying in the air. "Wondering if Tina Fey and Bradley Cooper felt like they had a hand up their ass like Kermit and Miss Piggy when they read their canned lines too?" --MB

6:33 "Feeling highly robbed that no recap 'greatest cilm clips' of "Breaking II Electric Boogaloo" were used tonight! --MB To which I say... I dunno. Sadly, it's still early in the show.

6:31 During the commercial, the question so many of us are pondering tonight: WHO WILL BE ON TOP, CLOONEY OR PITT? #nohomo

6:27 PM
- We're wondering why that Christopher Guest bit was done in B& W.
- "Sarah Palin lookin' hot in that party dress!" -MB (Why is Tina Fey here?)
- Two awkward guys make awkward acceptance speech for editing. Smartly, the editors edit themselves.
- "Dammit, I had a five-spot on Transformers for winning sound!" --MB

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6:12 I got overwhelmed with a side convo about J.Lo showing nipple during her time at the podium, so let's do a little catching up:

- For the win of Iran's "A Separation": "I'm pretty sure @newtgingrich just had an aneurysm during the Iranian filmmakers acceptance speech." -MB

- Octavia Spencer wins Best Supporting Actress for "The Help," and she loses her shit. Not her shit pie. Just her shit. Thanks Alabama, and is the first person to read "please wrap up" from the teleprompter.

--Peep our comments: We aren't the only ones who think this year's show is sucky.

--"Christian Bale is sporting one of the shaving commercial beard things. He's so cool." --MB

- And in case you missed the red carpet, here is banned attendee Sacha Baron Cohen dumping the ashes of Kim Jong Il on a pissed Ryan Seacrest:

6:08 From the Pressroom: Robert Richardson cinematographer for #Hugo admits that “It’s very difficult to shoot in 3D...”

6:06 Hmm, wonder if Sandra Bullock's Nazi ex-husband enjoy hearing her speak German... "Sandra may speak German, but she looks a little like Bruce Jenner." --MB Oscar for Foreign Language film goes to Iran's "A Separation."

6:03 PM: Shades of The Grammys and 'Who the Fuck is Paul McCartney" comes this. (JC) Sure, he's like your pervy Uncle, but it's hard to believe people don't really know who Billy Crystal is. Really?

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Photo by allypat8 via Instagram
5:58 Forget "Best Makeup" let's go back to the opening montage and discuss "Worst Makeup." In what may have been the most unwelcome nod to the Ted Danson-dating-Whoopi Goldberg era, Billy in blackface "honoring" Sammy Davis was...um, uncomfortable. And since we're on the subject of bad moves, while this weird celebrity memories of movies bit is boring us, let's talk about how obvious the first montage was. "So many of the movies were obvious/repeats (like two Tom Hanks movies, two Robert Redford movies, etc)," --JC5:56 We're still debating if Uncle Billy really made a J.Lo/Cammy Diaz three-way joke. Also, what is "W.E."? How did that name get approved? Is it like the "We" network movie?

5:53 $5 says Cammy Diaz is drunk!

"Violins make the crappiest movies wonderful, don't they? Why are they selling 'the love of film so hard?' We are already watching their damn award show." --MB

5:50 "The Your Name Here Theatre" jokes Crystal. Nice! Now there's some sort of montage stroll through memory lane happening...We're only 2 awards in, and not even 1/4 through my first beer. It's going to be a long night.

5:47 Wait, is the Miami Sound Machine doing the outro music?

5:45 "Vanna White isn't looking so good these days, but, congrats on your Oscar for costumes in Hugo!" --MB

5:44 The guy who won for Best Cinematography, from Hugo, appears to use the same hair stylist as War Horse. ("Per Rick Santorum, Jesus has won tonight. For Cinematography, in Hugo. Oh, wait. No?" --MB)

5:41 Clearly The Biebs had no say in that opening song; weren't all those ditties old-timey? Oh look, Tom Hanks! Hanks points out a man who has been a seat filler at the Oscars for 59 years. Or not. Wait, that was a gag? ("I think everybody should dress like seat filler Carl at the Oscars; it would be funnier than Billy Crystal's opening song. What award are they doing right now?" --MB)

5:38 We all knew Billy would sing all the songs, right? And this year's there's so many...So many. (But room for a Jonah Hill fat joke. OUCH.)

5:36Oh, Billy...you've got kind of a lady face. Took one minute to get to the first Kodak Theatre "shhh don't mention it" kind of joke. I missed it because we were debating what kind of name Crystal would have if he were an Auntie.

5:32: The first man on man kiss of the evening comes from Billy Crystal and George Clooney in the opening host intro montage. Crystal is totally cool with acknowledging he isn't young and hip (hence the Biebs in the "Midnight in Paris" nod. Zomg, the Biebs! Biebs says he's bringing the 18-24 demographic. Um, more like the 11-15). Let's not forget how disastrous last year's "young and hip" Oscars were. So far, though, the upside of Crystal is that he's eating shit. (Oh come on, you saw "The Help," right?)

5:30: "Live from the Hollywood & Highland Center." Um, like the mall? Ohhhh. The theatre. Okay. Here we go! Morgan Freeman gets us underway.

5:20 PM
Got your party snacks and drinks? (We suggest lots of drinks.) Did you mark your at-home ballot with your picks for "the Oscar goes to" in each category? The red carpet has been trod upon by the style-makers (and style-breakers) of the evening, and everyone is now inside the Hollywood & Highland "Don't-Call-Me-Kodak" Theatre, awaiting the first quips of the evening courtesy returning host Billy Crystal.

We are going to all sorts of wild lengths to bring you the -ist look at tonight's festivities. We've got LAist's Arts & Entertainment Editor Christine Ziemba in the Oscars Press Room, Gothamist Executive Editor Jen Chung live from New York (via Gchat, natch) and me: (LAist Editor-in-Chief Lindsay William-Ross) I'm sitting down with my laptop, snacks, beer and LAist contributor Mud Baron (@cocoxochitl on Twitter). We're all joining forces to liveblog the 84th Annual Academy Awards for you. See, it's YOUR party!