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John McClaine vs Jack Bauer + Die Hard 4

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Fact: John McClaine would beat the piss out of Jack Bauer.

I know what you're gonna' say: "But c'mon Henry, Jack withstood Chinese torture. They've got that water on the forehead trick and shit" Oooh, Big deal. I bet Jack wouldn't trade 15 nights of Chinese torture for a single night in Nakatomi Plaza. If you've even seen the preview for this movie, you may have noticed that John McClaine surfs a goddamn jet -- I don't recall Jack Bauer ever partaking in such crazy mofo lunacy. Jack may be certified badass, but let's be honest people, he has his limits. McClaine has spent his golden years perfecting the art of kicking ass and taking names, while Bauer has gone soft and spent the season crying like a little bitch on his brother's front lawn.

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Suffice it to say, Live Free or Die Hard blew my friggin' mind last night. This director guy, Len Wiseman, may have directed the nerd spectacle Underworld but he sure as hell knows how to put together an action movie. If there is anything Chuck Norris and Stallone taught us, it's that good movies involve windmill kicks and lots of explosions. I am grateful that this film has several helpings of both. Everyone gets kicked in this movie. McClaine goes on a mad kicking spree; not even pretty little Maggie Q can escape a kick to the face.

All I've heard is constant whining from my loser friends, telling me "But dude, it's got a PG-13 rating. How is he gonna' say mofo? It's more like Die Soft." Ah horse****. My loser friends should be pleased with what you can get away with in a PG-13 movie these days. Although the bad guy in this flick doesn't hold a candle to Hans Gruber, Live Free or Die Hard is $10 well-wasted -- at least for me it was. If you don't like it then maybe you deserve a windmill kick to the face. Focker, out.