Help Wanted: Boss From Hell Seeks 'Amazing' Personal Assistant
It's not always obvious just how terrible a job is going to be at first, but some employers do their prospective employees a favor by letting them know right off the bat just how soul-crushing life at their company will be in their want ad. This ad on Craiglist searching for an "amazing" personal assistant for a "small growing business" in the San Fernando leaves little to the imagination with its 38—count 'em, 38—bullet points.
It starts out innocently enough asking for someone "poised" and "professional," but it's all downhill from there. The company wants someone who is "Able to accept directions without attitude" and "Must be friendly and upbeat ALL THE TIME." (Emphasis is not mine: the caps scream at you in the original ad.) Here's an idea of what you'll be doing without any attitude:
"Must be willing to mop a floor and attend an extravagant gala (in other words, nothing is beneath you)"
If that wasn't enough, there's a second more descriptive bullet point saying the same exact thing (perhaps an "amazing" assistant could have pointed this redundancy out with a smile masking the torment inside):
"Must not have a diva-like attitude or be a prima donna and cannot think that you are "above" doing menial tasks and to occasionally accept tasks that are less-than-glamorous, i.e. mopping the occasional floor, household chores, grocery shopping, cooking an occasional meal, etc."
You might be mopping the floors, but you better look good while doing it:
"Must be able to dress up and go to glamorous and cultured events, and must be well-groomed and appropriately dressed at all times"
But just know that this soul-sucking job isn't just a 9 to 5:
"Must be flexible with your time and not always looking at the clock -- sometimes you will have to attend evening events"
We have a sneaking suspicion that this prospective boss will want you to hassle friends and family to use the company's "services:"
"Must not mind promoting our business to those who you think could use our services"
The ad says a personal assistant "Must have a sense of humor," which means prospective candidates might fall out of their chairs reading this:
Must possess leadership qualities, but must be willing to take direction and follow instructions without any hesitation and without debating
The ad asks for a resume, references as well as a business headshot. For this laundry list of qualifications, we expect you will be rewarded handsomely, right? (No we didn't.)
This position will begin as a part-time/as-needed position with the intent to become a full-time position. At this time we do not offer any fringe benefits, but it is our hope to be able to incorporate them in the future.
Godspeed, jobseekers. It's rough out there.