I Was Confetti Bombed By The Same Clown As The Kardashians

I don't have a lot in common with any Kardashian, but there is at least one thing: The same clown that "assaulted" Khloe and Kourtney with confetti "assaulted" me with confetti. It was a day like any other. The sun was bright, the breeze was gentle, the birds were singing. I was walking home from the gym and was nearly to my house when I saw him—yes, the infamous clown, Richie the Barber.

Actually, I see Richie, who is in fact an actual barber, walking around a lot. He and his brother are my neighbors. Other neighbors have reported seeing him do things like juggle and ride a unicycle, but on this particular day, something strange happened.

As we were passing each other, he reached into his bag and threw a handful of confetti over me. I had headphones in, but I think he said something like, "Whee!"

And here's where the similarities between the Kardashians and me end. I think I said something like "Yay!" and then posted about it on my Facebook, maybe. But when Richie threw a handful of confetti on Khloe and Kourtney last month, they filed a police report and are still insistent on pressing battery charges, TMZ reports.

Let’s be clear here: If Richie throws confetti out of malice, then he must hate a lot of people. But I think there's an alternative narrative: Richie throws confetti on people because he likes to surprise them with something unexpected and fun, which is basically what you would expect from a guy who has tattooed clown makeup on his face. Of all the people Richie has confetti bombed, it appears the Kardashians are the only ones who found this act to be criminal.

I know what you're thinking. You're wanting to know the lasting ramifications of suffering an identical confetti attack as the famous sisters. Well, because confetti is just tiny pieces of colored paper, they mostly fell off me and I presume got swept up by a street cleaner at some point. Because paper is pretty soft, I received no injuries. Because paper isn't glitter, it didn't stick to me.

After the incident, we both kept walking in our separate directions and I haven't see Richie since, though I did hear him honking his clown horn outside once. I am not currently being treated for Post-Traumatic-Tomfoolery-Disorder. Richie may be a barber, but a Sweeney Todd, he is not.

This isn't the first time a Kardashian hasn't been harmed by having something thrown on her and has then pressed charges. Kim once had animal rights activists throw flour on her and call her a fur hag. She didn’t freak out immediately, but then later decided to press charges to prove that violence isn’t okay.