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Arts and Entertainment

Did Father John Misty Steal Moon Juice's Crystal?

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Has Silver Lake's great crystal caper of 2016 been solved?

In the pseudo-New Age industrialist system, crystal-related offenses are considered especially heinous. Friday's news that someone had stolen Moon Juice's precious rose quartz, a bona fide healing crystal, was no exception. The juicery's owner, Amanda Chantal Bacon of ludicrously expensive/ generally ludicrous diet fame, appeared to be as livid as someone's who zen af due to like mushroom powder and stuff, can be—even writing in all-caps at one point. "To whomever took her out the door, you do not want the energy of a stolen crystal, please trust me!"

Well, on Saturday afternoon, musician Father John Misty, likely fearing the repercussions of a curse, 'fessed up to the crime on his Instagram. He wrote [all very much 'sic']:

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There's been, understandably, a not insignificant outcry regarding the alleged "theft" of the rose Quartz crystal from the Echo Park Moon Juice™, pictured above. I am here to claim responsibility, though I do not condone the rhetoric employed in Moon Juice's post. To claim that "something has been 'stolen'" is in tself a tacit endorsement of the capitalist values that blended superfoods and locally sourced produce stands, ironically, in direct opposition to.

Very good point from Mr. Misty. Capitalist values and blended superfoods do not mix. He continues:
The universe, however you may define her, brought this crystal into my life at what can only be described as a "pivot moment". As my (again without trying to be didactic in my terminology) Saturn returned within the last year I found myself unsatisfied with a culture at large that insists on attributing rigid, currency based value to objects (I do not mean in a pejorative sense) that are naturally occurring and can be procured freely at any number of energy-central dispensaries located nearly anywhere within the well-defined boundaries of globalization.

True, true. Ugh, so true!!! And same, TBH. And yeah—you bet he goes on!

While I empathize with your loss I do believe that there is a larger lesson to be gleaned from this experience: namely that material goods, no matter how sacred, WILL come and go from your life. As a practicing Buddhist I can only advise you to try and remember the crystal is only random phenomena, and if it HAPPENS to find its way into my pocket, and that pocket HAPPENS to leave your store, creating some ownership/theft/possession narrative will only cause you more pain - as you will be attempting to find significance where there is none.

And then, Daddy John Misty concludes the post with what is literally the SICKEST burn I've ever seen:

Also your smoothies are inconsistent to say the least but largely impossible to steal so that is an injustice that I must face, and I accept with an open heart knowing that each watery gulp is an invaluable teaching moment.

We can't believe he went there.

Alea iacta est, Amanda Chantal Bacon. Father John Misty hath crossed the Rubicon with a crystal in hand. Your move.

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