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American Idol - Wretched, Retching On All Fours, Los Angeles I'm Yours

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We may not have a football team, but we have American Idol. Last night, Los Angeles welcomed home its own.

AI in LA ! Starring: Paula’s cleavage! Olivia Newton Sandy Xanadu John! Mr. Jackson’s snazzy pink and white striped shirt! And charmer extraordinaire, Simon “I’m not being rude, but…” Cowell!

This epidode opened on an epileptic panther-man with megalomaniacal ambitions and wild assertions, who got all Cold Hearted Snake on the stairs while making eyes at the camera. He sang like he was being electrocuted. There was also Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man (with a tiger on his windbreaker, a scrunchie in his hair, and romance in his heart for Julio Iglesias). He sang the Peabo classic, “If Ever You’re In My Arms Again,” with great projection and feeling, but if hitting the right note is like shooting fish in a barrel and this man was given a shotgun, Randy would be dead. Aww.

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Pretty (despite what her mother says) Phuong Pham followed these two down a shame spiral, all the while, “Dancing (and flailing, and jerking, and spazzing) in the Streets” ala Taylor Hicks in tough, hippie chick accessories. Marianna Riccio and her Golddigger mother showed up next to scare the judges. Mama was a cougar, but Marianna sang like “Cher after she’s been to the dentist.” Thus began a series of unabashed, on-your-knees, begging stunts and rehearsed rejection speeches.

But there's good news too. Touring backup singer Brandon Rogers, with his buttery voice and sweet smile, wooed the lady judges; Brian Miller -- a repeat offender from last season who made it through to Hollywood but tanked in a later round -- is breaking through again; A cutie singer with mod, dangling earrings had given up on her musical career until she decided to let these clowns re-determine her destiny. She’s giving the dream another go.

Quiz time! Did you know if you are in your sixties and you get 300 people to petition your entry, you can audition for American Idol? Well, apparently you can. Sherman Pore sang, “You Belong To Me,” for his special lady friend of 20 years who passed away from cancer a few days prior to the auditions. He said that his antics getting onto the show kept her entertained and lifted her spirits during the final countdown. He totally made Paula weep. Probs Olivia too. LAist cried like a baby... but you can't prove it.

Day two started with a lovestruck couple from Compton smooching and making Ryan uncomfortable. She sang every note out of tune. He sang like Eddie Murphy parodying Buckwheat doing the ???? song. Cupid has a plan.

The show concluded with a special sort named Eric Mueller. This is a man has translucent eyes, mad ponderings (like his multiplication theory of singing wherein he will “…fluctuate it, reverberate it, make the vocals blend in with the music, and also stand out from the contrast…”), and a voice like a Bee Gee in a ball vice. He taught himself to sing using Paula and Randy’s Ultimate Voice Coach video. Simon was pleased.

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40 more people cross over to the dark side as they join the elite chosen for Hollywood week… But first, the last stop on the audition circuit -- San Antonio. Stay tuned next week when we see how many dreadful singers it takes to change a light bulb in the basement of the Alamo.