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Early Childhood Education

How Can I Connect With Who I Was Before My Baby?

By  Stefanie Ritoper
Published Jun 26, 2023 5:30 AM
A Black mother with a huge smile sits cross legged on a blanket on the beach. Her baby, dressed in a pink outfit, complete with a magenta sunhat to match, sits next to her with her hand on her mother's lap. The mother holds pieces of palm fronts like drumsticks in the air, as if playing a game.
A mother and daughter at a community wellness retreat as part of the Black Mental Health Task Force.
(
Courtesy of Kim Preston
)

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How Can I Connect With Who I Was Before My Baby?

The transitions of pregnancy and early parenthood are no joke. They come with huge changes for your body, your perspective, and your identity.

We asked for your questions about how to navigate the transitions and new identity of parenthood and brought them to Nakeya T. Fields, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in perinatal mental health and trauma and founder of the Therapeutic Play Foundation. As part of LAist text service Hey bb, which answers parents’ questions starting in pregnancy, Fields answered questions in a live video Q&A session. (Watch the recording of this session and past sessions.)

The following are a few highlights from the conversation. If you are looking for specific mental health resources, see below.

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About This Series

How can I connect with who I was before baby?

Isabel Cruz in Downtown L.A. asks: What can I do to connect with who I was before baby and my life now as a parent?

Fields says when negotiating your new identity as a parent, it’s key to remember that you are entering into a new phase of your life. And that’s a powerful thing.

You can't be the person you were before you became a mother. You're not her anymore.
— Nakeya T. Fields

She suggests that in this new role, the default is for mothers to put themselves last. Instead, it’s important for you to make space for yourself so that you can show up fully for your children.

An image of a medium skin-toned Black woman with her head tilted to the side in laughter, curls in a partial updo. She wears a sleeveless shirt with colorful red, green, gold and white African print, a beaded belt and long, dangling earrings.
Nakeya T. Fields is a licensed clinical social worker and founder of the Therapeutic Play Foundation
(
Courtesy of Nakeya T. Fields
)
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“I think we get away with not taking care of ourselves before we were mothers because nobody else was there to hold us accountable but us. But once you become a parent, there is somebody to hold you accountable. It's that child.”

She says that a first step is to think to yourself: What is it that you think you need in your life to show up as your most powerful and able self?

Then, she says you need to find ways to implement that as part of your life, and commit to it.

A big part of making this possible is deep introspection, and you may need someone to help you do that, whether a therapist, a support group, or a friend. The important thing, she says, is to let the thoughts out so that they are not floating around in your head. “Thoughts, when you don't let them out, they become like beliefs — but they're just thoughts.”

An image of a woman with medium brown skin leading a yoga session. She sits cross-legged before three women reclined on yoga mats, propped up by bolsters, with blankets on their chests and eye masks over their eyes.
Fields says a restorative yoga session made her realize the importance of self-care. She now leads these sessions with clients.
(
Courtesy of Dennis Heywood
)

Fields shared that for her, the things that keep her grounded are making time for yoga and making art in her ceramics class. To parents with very small babies who might see these things as the distant future, she says it is possible to find that time for yourself. Maybe you’re the kind of parent who wants to backpack up the coast of California with your kids — but it can also be as simple as taking an hour for yourself.

“I'm not taking no excuses because I'm a fellow mom,” she says. “I know that you guys can move mountains and you can make the impossible happen for other people. So why can't you do it for yourself?”

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She says that, often, behind the pretense of no time for self-care is a story that you are not being productive or doing what you are “supposed” to be doing, and therefore, you are not a good enough parent. Like, maybe if you are not of service, you are not valuable.

Ouch. Too real, right?

How do I negotiate co-parenting?

Portia asks: Any help with co-parenting as a single Black mother? Work/home balance, shared responsibility, me time.

Fields shared some of her own experiences as a single parent and acknowledges that it is hard work, often because both parents have strong reasons not to be together and still have not fully healed from the break up.

“And then, you're called upon to make really important life decisions,” Fields says. “You have to practice that selflessness even more to a broader extent than you normally would.”

She says that two separate households often means two sets of rules. This requires abundant communication with the child about routines, expectations, and shared goals.

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To take on these challenges, Fields again underlines the importance of self-care. “If you're managing all these dynamics, you have to keep your self-esteem and your confidence to hold your ground for what you also want in the decision-making process.”

She says for her, it is a challenge that requires an extra level of presence, pausing, and taking a breath. “It's a real, intentional decision every single time,” she says. “[It’s] a practice of intention, of being a good person for my son, of hoping to parent together and show him that we can love each other even though we don't love each other — because we are a family, even though we're not the nuclear family that everybody sees.”

How can play help my relationship with my child?

Fields co-founded the Therapeutic Play Foundation, which works with families on healing through play. They provide mental health services for families and pregnant people, trainings for community-based organizations, and community playdates.

“The whole purpose of that play therapy session with parents in the room is to model for the parent how to help a child express their emotions through play,” she says.

In her work, she’s often observed that parents are sometimes hesitant to play with their kids during these sessions, thinking that they should just watch. In these cases, she instructs them that if they want to stay, they have to join in.

“That's when I see that they don't know how to play. And so a lot of the healing takes place in allowing the parent to actually get down on the floor, do all the fun things that the kids wanna do.”

An image of a woman with medium brown skin sitting on the floor on a colorful foam children's mat playing a game of Connect Four with an elementary school-aged Black child with a faux hawk, grey t-shirt and jeans.
Fields stresses the importance of play for children to process their feelings and self-regulate.
(
Courtesy of Dennis Heywood
)

She says that when children are acting out or showing attention-seeking behaviors, there can be an attachment issue. Play can help address this.

“Play is being present and joyful in the moment,” she says. “Kids get to do that a lot. They're playing outside, they're running, they're engaging, they're completely lost. It's their work because guess what they're doing when they're playing? They're releasing all that tension and stress.”

Birth and Postpartum Resources

  • These resources were recommended by California birth workers and families. Have a suggestion? Email sritoper@scpr.org.

  • For more on specific topics, see LAist’s pregnancy guides.

  • Mental Health

  • Breastfeeding

  • Doulas / Postpartum Support

  • Doulas provide expecting and new mothers or birthing people with educational, emotional, and physical support before, during, and after a baby is born. Postpartum doulas’ services can include cooking, help around the house, and various healing modalities. Pro tip: many postpartum doulas are available pro-bono while they are seeking certification.

    • What Do Doulas Do? – LAist’s guide to doulas, including a list of resources to find a doula in Southern California.
    • Birthworkers of Color Collective – A collective of birth workers of color providing trainings, workshops, and healing offerings for birthworkers, pregnant people, and their families.
    • DONA International – Doula certifying organization that includes a search tool to find prenatal and postpartum doulas.

  • Support Groups

  • Many support groups and parent and me classes exist throughout Southern California, and the best way to find one is to search online for groups in your area. You might also find these groups through your hospital or places where you find breastfeeding gear. It sometimes helps to look for activities you enjoy (eg. yoga, swimming, dancing) and see if they have “baby and me” classes.

  • A few places to start:

    • Kindred Space – A hub for midwifery care, doula support, lactation consulting and support groups.
    • LOOM – Provides pregnancy, breastfeeding classes, and a doula directory.
    • Lucie’s List – Map of local parent groups.
    • Pump Station – Baby supply store that also offers parent and me classes.

  • For Black Parents-to-Be

  • For Partners / Fathers

    • Black Daddy Dialogues – Support group for dads raising Black children, every second Saturday of the month.
    • Love Dad – Home visits to fathers and their children throughout L.A. County  
    • The Expecting Fathers Group for Black Dads – Support group for Black soon-to-be fathers and provides education, support and navigation tools for the prenatal, labor and delivery, postpartum, and early parenting. 

  • Loss / Grief

  • Social Services 

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