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Mexican Chain To Make America Great Again By Opening Two Movie Theaters With Indoor Playgrounds

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On Tuesday, Mexico-based movie theater chain Cinépolis USA announced the forthcoming debut of America's first dedicated children’s movie theater auditoriums, where kids can play on a jungle gym inside of a movie theatre while other people (presumably—hopefully?—the parents of said children) watch a film.

The first two theaters are heading to Southern California, and will open next week in Pico Rivera and Vista, the latter of which is about 15 minutes outside of Carlsbad.

The theaters will offer families "a space to enjoy the magic of movies in an environment that caters to children, unlike anything the U.S. has seen before," according to a press release from the company. Cinépolis already has similar child-friendly theaters in México, Costa Rica, Guatemala and Spain. According to the L.A. Times, the company hopes their new kid-friendly theaters will help entice more parents to the theater and away from the comfort of Netflix and Please Stop Throwing Cheerios At Your Brother at home. Prices will be about $3 more than a regular movie theater ticket.

Each auditorium will have both a vibrantly colored play structure/jungle gym, as well as a special fenced-in play area for smaller children. Per Cinépolis, the play structures will be 55-foot long and 25-foot high, and will include two slides, stationary pogo sticks, a scaled-down merry-go-round thing, and "rounded, hanging 'Fun Forest Bags' filled with foam."

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Robert Frost once said that hell is a half-filled auditorium, but I think we can all agree that what he actually meant was an auditorium half full of screaming kids on a jungle gym while a Disney movie plays in the background.

In other news, Cinépolis reports that "elevated snack favorites such as enhanced popcorn flavors like Cheetos, Chili, Caramel and Zebra" will also be for sale. We regret to report that we have no idea what zebra-flavored popcorn means.

We also regret to inform you that Cinépolis has no plans to open their Junior theaters up at night for less kid-friendly fare, so you can sadly kiss your dreams of smoking a bowl and watching the next Judd Apatow movie on a stationary pogo stick goodbye. Adults attending a screening at the Cinépolis Junior auditoriums also must be accompanied by a child 12 and under.