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(In Defense of) The Loathe That Dare Not Speak Its Name

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The conversation we're having over so-called "Equal Marriage Rights" for same sex "couples" is infuriating.

Sure, we're all riveted by the trial, currently underway, that seeks to resolve Proposition 8's legality. And yes we're fascinated by the debate over whether or not the trial should be televised. But how can we who call ourselves "liberal" be so selfish that we ignore the arguments in favor of preventing gays from marrying? Because, in truth, the opponents of gay marriage, or "garriage," are victims. Not only of selfish, naive leftism, but of our failure to recognize their right to be emotionally stunted, sexually dysfunctional neurotics.

It's easy to indulge in casual stereotyping, and to accuse the opponents of gay marriage of "bigotry," "homophobia," "a stunning lack of historical knowledge" or "total failure to show basic decency." You might even point out that their arguments against the legality of gay marriage "don't make any fucking sense." But friends, that kind of rhetoric is just the same old hatred rearing its ugly head, hatred which America's political left must finally admit to, and confront. Much like how American liberals failed to consider the extra special feelings of Southern Whites, whose unique cultural traditions couldn't withstand the inability to treat black people like caged animals, or how they failed to see how letting millions starve to death during the depression would have actually saved this country, we now find ourselves once again on the wrong side of history, forcing our narrow minded, hateful agenda down the throats of people who deserve not our scorn, but our sincere sympathy.

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Our hearts truly go out to them, and yours should too.

Certainly, most of us are capable of looking at two people in love, holding hands or kissing, and simply being happy for them. Most of us consider consensual, mutually satisfying sexual encounters, particularly between people in love, to among the greatest things about being alive. But to suggest that this makes us "normal" or "healthy" people is disgusting bigotry on a scale not seen since the war of northern aggression. Those who cannot experience pleasure without abusing someone, without transferring their urges to relatives, without burying their lives and careers under a pile of lies, who cannot maintain an erection unless they can actually see someone being abused by the state, or by the church - they're people too, and before you cast judgment them because their sexual orientation compels them to stop gay people from marrying, just imagine what life must be like for these socially shunned victims:


* Imagine being incapable of seeing two people in a relationship without immediately think "huhuhuhuhuhuh, they're doing it."

* Imagine being incapable of looking at your own daughter without wanting to fuck her.

* Imagine Not being able to engage in sexual behavior with another consenting person without immediately resenting and fearing them.

* Imagine not being able to achieve orgasm without two wetsuits, a dildo, and the willful deception of your entire congregation.

* Imagine feeling compelled to lecture the whole world about their marriages, yet incapable of fidelity or even honesty1.

To pretend, because you happen to be capable of guilt-free sex that is "healthy" and "pleasurable", that other people are too is the very height of hate. Would you make fun of an Indian because of their "funny accent"2? Would you mock an Irish Immigrant3? I think not! But the sad, desperate people who want nothing more than to have their rights as human beings recognized? We continue to abuse and persecute them.

Far from the cruel parodies that liberals spread without compunction, the truth is that opponents of "equal marriage rights" aren't evil at all. They're simply disgusted by two dudes going at it4, and the thought of it happening, even without their knowledge, prevents them from achieving even measurable sexual arousal. But because our backward legal system doesn't recognize their natural inclination as a legitimate sexual orientation, admitting, out loud, during trial proceedings, that they have to stop gay people from marrying just so they can have an orgasm, will get them laughed out of court. So they have no choice but to invent a lot of solemn, legalish sounding justifications that mask the fact that they have culturally frowned upon, deep seated sexual needs that make it impossible for them to function "normally".

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Consider this: In 1973 the American Psychiatric Association declassified homosexuality as a mental disorder. The American Psychological Association Council of Representatives followed in 1975. And in 2003, the Supreme Court, in the landmark case of Lawrence V. Texas, totally legalized buttsecks despite the fact that it is, though nonthreatening, totally gross. These events represent a stunning reversal of a longstanding5 injustice. One would think that having once been part of a pariah group, the gays would be capable of basic empathy. One would think that having had their own sexual orientation categorized, until quite recently, as a mental illness would lead them to have more sympathy for the plight of others whose sexual identity is suspect. Sadly, one would be wrong.

No, far from being able to see the parallels between their own history, and that of the struggle creepily obsessive, impotent Christian Fundamentalists have endured, Gays simply get all up in our faces with their gayness, making unreasonable, strident demands for "equality". Much like the expensive clothes they buy, and the ritzy areas of town they always live in, what's good enough for them simply isn't allowed for others. I guess "I got mine" sounds better than "All men are created equal", right?6. Shameful.


Gay people have, at worst, been slightly inconvenienced by the constant threat that their very right to exist as free and equal members of society will be revoked. I have bigger problems just trying to get the servers at Carnitas Michoacan in East LA to understand basic English7. As for the poor souls still trapped by society's pro-gay prejudices? They have to live their lives trapped in a perpetual prison, inmates forced by a judgmental society to conceal the very essence of who they really are. It's as if they're stuck in a small, dark, closet-like room, a wardrobe for instance8, pretending to be "normal", "healthy" people. All the while cruelly expected to conduct their sexual affairs like fully grown adults. Why do you think they're so angry about birth control, and abortion, and women's rights, and of course, gay marriage? Castigated for failing to respect the "privacy" and "rights" of other people, forced to deny themselves the pleasure of their feverish sexual immaturity and, of course, their deep seated sexual performance anxiety, it is inevitable that they'd lash out at their oppressors.

And make no mistake, their oppressors have deployed sickening rhetorical tools in the fight to deny these impotent, sexually immature masturbators their human rights. They've argued that it's a lifestyle choice. That it was their upbringing. That maybe their religion is a disjointed, confusing collection of bronze age gibberish9. They've even suggested that raising someone so that they grow to loathe their perfectly natural, healthy sexual urges, and to be obsessed with the private consenting sexual behavior of strangers, is a form of child abuse. They've even spread rumors that these people are "recruiting" the young. While these rumors are technically true, this custom is also very misunderstood. Accusing people of bigotry for the "crime" of being incapable of adult sexuality only makes the problem worse. Rather than our selfish lack of understanding, what these people desperately need is our help. So I'm sorry, but I simply cannot tolerate bigotry against these poor souls any longer.

In truth, until Americans are able to see past their selfish, gay-centric, sexual maturity bias, and recognize that crippling sexual immaturity is a legitimate sexual orientation, we truly cannot claim to be a free country. We need to accept the inveterate sexual performance problems of Gay Marriage Opponents with open arms, and fight just as firmly for their right to be sexually non-functional, as we already have for Gay people. Thus, for their own good, and for the betterment of our society as a whole, we need to keep letting them outlaw gay marriage.

We may not be able to see it today, but for future generations, the cause of freedom - NAY - Of civilization itself, will be best expressed with the following stirring words:


Say it loud. Say it proud. But most of all? Say it wearing two wetsuits, in an airport bathroom, hiking the Appalachian trail, with your employee's wife!



1) Remember what Abraham said to Isaac: "And ye shall hike the Appalachian Trail, deep-dicking the finest Argentinian Poontang, but lo! Thine unhappy marriage shalt be thine highest priority. Verily, don't getteth caught.

2) No, but it's open season on those dirty Ching Chong Chinamen. Nah, I'm kidding. I aporogise. Prease forgive me.

3) They may be lazy drunks, but they practically invented boxing.

4) Not that you can blame them. Adam and Steve is just gross dude. Amanda and Eve though? mmm mmm mmm. Gimmiesommathat.

5) though completely understandable. Seriously,god damn. Ew!

6) I'm sure there's some faggy house song about it right now. Probably all "Everybooody! Let's hate Jeeesuuuus and have seeex! unce unce unce." No, I'll be listening to Chris Brown, thank you very much.

7) Seriously, no matter how much I yell, ask to see their green card, or remind them that if it weren't for us back in the 1840s, they'd be speaking Spanish right now, they simply can't seem to understand me. Assholes.

8) Their only friends are half goat-men, snow queens and shallow, pseudo intellectual British fantasy authors. It's why they all move to to the West Side of Bronson, or We-Bo, as they slangly call it.

9) Zeus es Dios. Lea el illiad. And let's keep Saturn in Saturnalia.