DomCon LA on May 17, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.
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David McNew/Getty Images
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Getty Images North America
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Topline:
The common kinks are well-known — feet, bondage, degradation and asphyxiation — but in reality, they come in all flavors and styles.
Why it matters: Kink and BDSM (Bondage-Discipline, Dominance-Submission, Sado-Masochism) conjure up certain images in popular culture. Take the Blockbuster hit 50 Shades of Gray, which delved into fantasies of violent sex in which Christian Grey, a handsome business man, wants his love interest Anastasia to be submissive. While this is a common kink played out in many private spaces, BDSM practitioners were quick to weigh in on all that was missing from the film's depictions, like communication, context and most important, consent.
Why now: A paradigm shift is taking place for kink and BDSM communities, which have been heavily stigmatized. What was once dominated by heteronormative, male-driven fantasies is now opening up to people of all ages, genders and proclivities to safely explore their kinks as consenting adults.
What's next: DomCom LA will take place at the Hilton LAX from May 29 through June 2.
Keep reading..... for a deeper introduction in how to unleash and explore your kinks...
Carol always knew something was "off" for her during sex.
"At one point I even thought I might have been asexual because I just wasn't getting what other people would talk about all the time," she told Larry Mantle on AirTalk, LAist 89.3's daily news program.
It took Carol a long time to figure out that nothing was wrong with her, she just had a missing kink.
That kink? Spanking.
At 74 years old and 52 years into her marriage, Carol discovered she loves to be spanked.
"It just took a long time to figure this out because my access to computers and things were limited, and I just didn't know," she said. "I didn't have the time to explore me!"
Her husband doesn't necessarily have the same kink, but that hasn't stopped him from leaning into his partner's pleasure.
"He noticed every time we do this, how much happier I am. If I'm cranky or we're fighting it will change the mood like an instant pill. We have never laughed and joyed and played so much in 52 years than we have this past year," Carol said.
Kink may not be what you think
The art of Shibari
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Nora Last
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Nora Last
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Kink and BDSM (Bondage-Discipline, Dominance-Submission, Sado-Masochism) conjure up certain images in popular culture. Take the Blockbuster hit 50 Shades of Gray, which delved into fantasies of violent sex in which Christian Grey, a handsome business man, wants his love interest to be submissive. While this is a common kink played out in private spaces, BDSM practitioners were quick to weigh in on all that was missing from the film's depictions — communication, context, and most importantly, consent.
"We have two dominant paradigms around kink," said Nora Last, owner of Double Mask Studio, a queer owned and operated Shibari studio located in downtown L.A. Shibari is a type of bondage practice (more on that further down).
A couple paradigms include "a slender guy in a suit and a girl in a dress kneeling in front of him," or, Last continued, "a conventionally attractive woman in spiked heels and latex."
"They’re lovely, but we’re really limiting ourselves and not giving ourselves enough credit if we stop imagining there," said Last.
Finding your kink
Nora Last at her studio Devil Mask Studios in DTLA
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Nora Last
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Nora Last
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Kinks come in all styles and flavors. You've got your more common asphyxiation kink, also known as "breath play," to your spitting kink, where two consenting adults enjoy spitting in each others mouths. Suffice to say, kinks run the gamut.
"What if we want to [explore kink] in a cozy onesie? Or outside of the white, hetero roles?" Last said. "If you’ve never seen yourself represented, you might not know how to explore them."
Like Carol, who discovered her kink for spanking at age 74, many people may have dormant kinks they haven't yet realized.
"We have never laughed and joyed and played so much in 52 years than we have this past year."
"I was shocked to find out I was a kinky woman," Franzblau said.
After the end of a relationship, Franzblau said her sexuality "shut down."
Jean Franzblau performs her play "My Mother Doesn't Know I'm Kinky"
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Courtesy Jean Franzblau
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"When I got out of it, I became dedicated, committed, to exploring for myself and finding my own sexual sovereignty," she said.
With newly granted self-permission, Franzblau discovered that both sides of the dominance-submission coin were intriguing to her. Her exploration began with submission. When she found a partner interested in dominance, they had the necessary conversations about consent and negotiation.
"I thought I was going to have maybe a titillating experience, maybe I would learn something new," she said. "Instead, I would consider it a spiritual experience. I wept. There was something in me that needed to surrender."
For many folks, finding your kink is just the first step. The next step? Finding a safe space and people with whom to express it.
"What if we want to explore kink in a cozy onesie? Or outside of the white, hetero roles? If you’ve never seen yourself represented, you might not know how to explore them."
— Nora Last
Freeing your kink
Today, there are ample spaces that provide safe and playful settings for adults to explore their sexuality. One of those spaces is Nora Last's studio in Downtown L.A. where the focus is on Shibari, the Japanese art of erotic bondage.
"We define it most broadly as rope bondage," Last said, "Whether that is for sensation, whether that is for sexual gratification, and that references specific aesthetics and styles coming from Japanese rope bondage."
Nora Last on the beach practicing the erotic bondage art of Shibari
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Courtesy Nora Last
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Shibari is one of the many styles of kink or eroticism that people can play with — play being the operative word.
"At its core, kink is about creating a container for intimacy. It can be sexual, emotional," they said. "Creating a container for a focused, specific experience. It’s part of our core human desire."
A San Francisco-based kink educator named Midori, whom Last admires, writes "BDSM is childhood joyous play, with adult sexual privilege, and cool toys."
Last adds, "So much of it comes down to…why not? There’s a harsh dichotomy between kinky and vanilla, queer and hetero. It’s not as harsh of a line as we think it is."
Therein lies the nuance. To be kinky or not to be kinky was never the question.
Nora Last tied up in Shibari in a public park
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Courtesy Nora Last
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Talking with partners
When it comes to kink, Franzblau's hope for everyone in a partnership is that they can candidly talk about the places they connect and the places they don't.
"Are we here to control each other or to encourage each other's greatness or well-being?" Franzblau said.
She acknowledges that it can be totally heartbreaking when partners don't see eye to eye. But, she adds, "What's wonderful about this moment in time is that there are a lot of resources for navigating these extremely tricky conversations."
For kink and BDSM communities that have been historically stigmatized, Franzblau and Last are two people among many trying to change that. Arguably, their most powerful and subversive statements? Their kinks.
NEW TO KINK? CHECK OUT THESE RESOURCES!
Sex Positive LA Sex-Positive Los Angeles is a non-profit organization that creates educational and social experiences around positive sexuality, identity, lifestyle, consent, and body-positivity for adults. We provide a chance to explore, learn, and grow in a safe, welcoming, and consensual environment through consensual touch events, workshops and discussion groups.
910 WeHo A Queer and Alt Lifestyle, Friendly Community Space for All. BDSM Los Angeles kink dungeon.
Fet Life A popular Social Network for the BDSM, Fetish & Kinky Community.
Cuddle Sanctuary Social events to learn about and practice consent
My Mother Doesn't Know I'm Kinky A one-woman show exploring the early childhood hints that she was wired differently and her bumpy, awkwardly arousing journey towards self-acceptance.
Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships Therapist Kate Loree—who has practiced non-monogamy since 2003, and who specializes in treating clients who also practice non-monogamy—pulls no punches as she uses vignettes based on her own life, as well as her clients’ experiences, to illustrate the highs, lows, and in-betweens of life as a consensual non-monogamist.
Plura App Plura is the go-to app for queer, sex+, growth-oriented, and alternative people to find their people.
ShibariStudy An online resource, rope-focused (as the name implies) but their consent classes are both very good and very broadly applicable.
Why Are People Into That?! A podcast hosted by sex-ed icon Tina Horn, a podcast dedicated to answering its titular question. Now also a book!
Safiya Darling a sexuality & consent educator based here in LA, Safiya speaks so effectively to the interplay of queerness, race, and kink
Devil Mask Studio particularly rope jams, they're a low stress, semi-structured way to experience the space and connect with other interested folks
DeLinda inOrange County: Many people find the over dramatized choking, slapping, lead-movement as dominating, but I've associated that with a type of uncontrolled and unpredictability and objectification that made me feel more separated from my partner and detached from my body.
After 15 years of searching, I have found a partner who was excited and curious to take the action and to explore Shibari with me once I expressed interest. Stepping into expansion together and hearing him share the important safety things he's taken time to learn online about consent and comfort had really built my trust for him and our access to fun and connectivity to my own body and the to our interaction in our privacy.
Other partners expressed interest, but no one took action and really stepped into it like I have gotten to with him and it's really been a beautiful shared art together. Yes delight, joy and creation. Thank you being brave and shedding light on this topic.
LeoinBurbank: Be cautious, the same person that trusts you with their kink may punish you with ostracism for knowing about it down the road. You have a wonderful experience sharing unique ideas, the next minute you realize you were trusted because you were expendable.
DannyinLong Beach: Thank you very much for discussing BDSM and Kink. It made me feel seen, accepted, and understood. I'm glowing. I've been engaged in kink and rope play for about seven years now. I discovered these interests in my 40s. I'm now near 50. And it's been the best decade of my life.
I'm married, have been for 29 years. And I've consensually gone outside my marriage to explore myself and interests. I now have multiple loves. My wife and I love each other more now than ever.
