Children are more aware than adults often realize, even when parents try to shield them. With Los Angeles at the center of federal immigration crackdowns, psychologists say it’s crucial to have honest conversations about what’s happening.
Whether you’re directly affected or not, it’s difficult to ignore the fear and anxiety communities are experiencing as immigration officers patrol neighborhoods, targeting schools, grocery stores and workplaces.
Despite efforts to halt immigration sweeps, the U.S. Supreme Court recently allowed federal agents to continue stopping people in L.A. based on their appearance, accents and where they work and questioning them about their immigration status.
So how do parents talk about this? Should they even bring it up with their kids, especially toddlers or young children?
LAist spoke with psychologists to help parents and caregivers address tough topics like immigration and deportation with their young ones.
Have honest conversations
Don’t shy away from talking openly to your child about what’s happening around them, even if they’re young.
Brandi Eichstedt, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Children’s Institute, said kids are more exposed to issues than many adults realize. It’s better to be honest and upfront.
She recommends keeping it simple when explaining immigration. For example: “Some people are not allowed to live in the country because of the current law, so they may have to leave. That’s why they won’t be around like they used to.”
Going into politics isn’t necessary, she said.
Kids generally have a strong sense of fairness, so talking about race and racism at an early age can help them grasp these realities.
Parents should also prepare their children for conversations they may hear at school or elsewhere, especially with current policies allowing immigration sweeps and racial profiling.
Melissa Brymer, director of terrorism and disaster programs at the UCLA–Duke University National Center for Child Traumatic Stress, recommends parents talk to their children, especially if the family is at risk of separation or if they are citizens worried about being wrongly detained.
Make sure it’s age-appropriate
How to approach tough conversations varies by age.
When talking to toddlers, use simple language. For example, you might say that a friend can’t live here anymore.
For children who could be separated from their parents or caregivers, Brymer said it’s important to let them know there’s a family plan and reassure them that they will be cared for.
If a child is 6 to 10 years old, Eichstedt said it’s OK to talk about the legal system.
Explain that some people were born in this country, while others were born in different countries. Those who come from elsewhere hoping to live here are supposed to fill out paperwork to enter. Sometimes that doesn't happen, and if they don’t complete the paperwork properly, the government can ask them to leave. Until they complete the application the way the government requires, they have to live somewhere else.
Eichstedt also encourages parents and children to watch “Sesame Street” resources on displacement and resettlement.
Teach your child empathy
It’s important to teach your child empathy when talking about difficult topics like immigration and separation, Eichstedt said.
If a child knows someone who has been detained or deported, show them how to keep that person in their heart even if they’re no longer nearby. Stay connected through calls, texts, or letters. This can also help your child accept the separation and may even give them hope that this relationship doesn’t just end because of a traumatic event.
Be a safe space for your child
Taking care of yourself helps your child feel safe too.
Children pick up on their parents' emotions, Brymer said. If you’re anxious or doomscrolling, they’re feeling that same anxiety too.
Take a break from the news and social media. Staying informed is important, but the news shouldn’t be on 24/7, and you don’t need to be glued to your devices. Try to limit media exposure for both you and your children.
Instead, keep routines. Our brains crave patterns, Eichstedt said, so providing your child with daily structure helps foster safety and security. Sticking to a consistent schedule for bedtime, dinner, and getting ready for school makes a big difference.
“They need something very predictable in this very unpredictable world,” Eichstedt said.
While day-to-day routines are important, Brymer also recommends family check-ins. Questions can include: “What was one good thing that happened in your day?” and, “What are things that maybe didn’t go so well or maybe created anxiety for you?”
These check-ins can help start conversations with your child and uncover worries children may have about immigration enforcement or other important things you’d want to know about.
During heightened times of stress, acknowledge their feelings. If they’re sad, upset, angry, confused, scared, greet their emotions with comfort and validation. Eichstedt said it’s helpful to connect their feelings to what they’re experiencing.
For example: “It hurts that we don't get to see Timmy, right?” or, “It's painful when we hear words like that about people who we love and care about. I don't like it either. It makes me sad too.”
Giving children space to feel helps them feel safe again.
Most importantly, remind your child that they are loved by you.
Watch for stress signals
There are many ways to help children cope with the stressors in their lives, but first parents need to recognize the signs. Eichstedt shared some stress signals to look for:
- Aggression
- Clinginess to a parent, caregiver or teacher
- Regression like bedwetting, baby talk or thumb sucking
- Depression such as shutting down or withdrawal
- Physical symptoms like headache and stomachache
Helping “kids be kids” and supporting play can ease stress and make children feel calmer. Toys, outdoor activities, board games, and arts and crafts all help children cope.
If your child is anxious, Brymer suggests a simple breathing exercise: Ask them what their favorite color is, then have them breathe in that color — and everything that makes them happy — and breathe out gray, which is all the “yucky” feelings. (If they like the color gray, you can improvise.)
Balance honesty with hope
While honesty is important, Eichstedt said, instilling hope nurtures their resiliency.
Hope can mean acknowledging current laws while also discussing the possibility that laws can change in ways they might want.
“[Black, Indigenous, and other people of color] in this country are resilient people. We lived through so much, right?” she said. “And so, there’s always that hope.”
