You know that moment.
You tell your child it’s time for bed or they can’t have that candy, and they suddenly start crying, maybe even throwing themselves on the floor.
That’s called dysregulation, which parents may know all too well as tantrums and meltdowns, such as crying, kicking, screaming or shutting down. But it can also show up in other ways.
Sometimes it looks like avoiding eye contact or interaction, high energy and trouble focusing.
"Dysregulation can be thought of as a mismatch between the child's energy level and the energy level that is required to participate in the activity that they need to do, or to exist in the environment that they need to exist in that moment,” said Kira Bender, a pediatric occupational therapist at the Center for Connection and founder of Here We Grow, an occupational therapy and disability consultative service.
It’s hard — and often ineffective — to reason with young children when they’re like this. They're not in a state to learn new skills because they can’t access the logical part of their brain, which helps them think.
When LAist asked readers of our early childhood newsletter and HeyBB text group what resources they wished they had more of, many parents said they wanted to know how to help their children (and themselves) get through these big feelings. We talked to child development experts to get their tips.
How to support your child during dysregulation
Regulate yourself first
It’s OK to take a deep breath and pause if needed to regulate your own feelings.
Make sure your heart rate and breathing are steady, and that you're able to calmly speak to your child.
These moments matter because children’s mirror neurons — brain cells that activate when we observe others’ actions and perform them ourselves — are engaged, helping explain why children may mimic their parents' behaviors, according to Meryl Opsal, founder of Romp and Rollick, which offers process art and sensory classes along with consulting services for families, schools, and businesses.
Being calm yourself will help them to do the same.
Bender said reframing the situation is a powerful tool when you need to keep your cool: “My child is not giving me a hard time. My child is having a hard time.”
Connection during dysregulation
Once you’re in a steady state, meet your child where they are, especially by using your body, breath, and energy to stay connected with your child and help them calm down.
You might go down to their level, speak in a calm voice or acknowledge what they’re feeling — “I see you’re really upset.”
This is known as co-regulation — one of the most important ways to help your young child learn to self-regulate, which is when one is able to appropriately manage one's emotions and behaviors.
There’s a misconception that this approach is coddling or preventing a child from self-soothing on their own. However, research suggests that co-regulation is actually a crucial part of regulation, said occupational therapist Kira Bender, referencing Mona Delahooke's book, Brain-Body Parenting.
Bender also said punishment is not an effective strategy for helping young children emotionally regulate, pointing to research discussed in the books The Explosive Child and Beyond Behaviors by Ross Greene. Instead, co-regulation involves validating how your child feels.
Support will look different for each child. Some children like hugs while others need space. Observe what works for your child and provide what they need to feel better.
While it’s important to let children feel their emotions, staying stuck in that state can feel overwhelming.
Once they start calming down, it’s okay to redirect them — using play is a helpful tool to help them move forward. Make sure it’s an activity they connect with.
Timing is very important here.
“Engaging them in the next thing can be really helpful in order to help their brain shift from this state of dysregulation to this state of attention,” said Bender.
Build emotional awareness
Parents can also help their children by teaching them emotional awareness. For toddlers and preschoolers, helping them tune into their bodies is especially helpful.
This can help them understand what they’re feeling and communicate what they need to do to become more regulated.
You can ask them what they’re physically feeling in their body. For example: Is their heart beating fast? Do their hands feel clammy? Does their face feel hot?
Then teach them what they can do to help themselves. Parents can also model these skills for their children.
For example: “I'm noticing that I'm really having trouble focusing and keeping my patience right now. I think I need to check in with my body. I think I need to get a snack.”
Incorporate these skills daily so that when dysregulation happens, children will have the tools to soothe strong emotions.
According to Bender, this is often the first step in teaching them how to identify and express their emotions.
This doesn’t need to be a big discussion, especially since younger children have limited understanding of concepts and short attention spans.
LAist spoke to the following child development experts for this guide:
- Kira Bender, pediatric occupational therapist at Center for Connection and founder at Here We Grow
- Veronika Luu, a music speech educator at Play LA
- Olivia Martinez-Hauge, occupational therapist and co-owner of Sensory Space Design
- Meryl Opsal, founder of Romp and Rollick
- Georgie Wisen-Vincent, a nationally recognized play therapy expert and the director of the Play Strong Institute
Focus on senses
Children are attuned to their senses as early as the womb.
As a parent, understanding your child’s sensory system can help support your child’s emotional regulation, especially to promote a sense of safety and relaxation.
Traditionally, people know of the five human senses: touch, sight, hearing, smell and taste.
When your child’s upset, giving them their favorite stuffed animal (touch) or putting on music they like (hearing) can be helpful.
There are also three lesser-known senses, including interoception (internal body signals like hunger, thirst, pain or emotions), vestibular system (balance, movement and spatial orientation) and proprioception (body position and movement).
Children can utilize proprioception through activities like climbing and jumping or being tucked under their parent’s arm while reading their favorite book, using a weighted blanket, or receiving a deep hug.
Helping your child engage with these hidden senses can be a grounding experience.
Activities to do at home
Play is important, especially through open-ended activities, which help children process their emotions. You can incorporate these activities when you see your children on the verge of being dysregulated, but it can also serve as redirection after they’ve calmed down.
Provide a calm sensory space
It’s helpful to have a space at home where your child feels safe, cozy, calm, and relaxed, whether it’s their bedroom, a playroom or your living room — as long as they have a space they can retreat to when they need some support.
Think about a child’s senses: what can they touch, see, hear and more. That could be a stuffed animal, a weighted blanket, their favorite books or audiobooks and music.
“One of the most underrated sensory tools, in my opinion, for many young children is a tent,” said occupational therapist Kira Bender. “They love the feeling that this is a space all for themselves. So that is a very easy place to start.”
Use bubbles and balloons
Bubbles and balloons are effective tools for redirecting a child's focus after intense emotions, said Olivia Martinez-Hauge, occupational therapist and co-owner of Sensory Space Design, which helps create spaces specifically designed for families' needs.
Plus, they help bring attention back to their breath, since during dysregulation they often feel detached from their bodies and minds.
Make it a game by asking them to take a deep breath and blow bubbles in different ways — one at a time or a bunch all at once. Get creative!
The same idea works with balloons: take a deep breath in, then blow up the balloon. Kids can have fun playing hot potato with it, trying to keep it from falling, or letting it fly around after inflating it.
Incorporate sensory play
Toys or items that stimulate the senses are great tools to help calm your child’s nervous system.
“It's like a little lab that creates a safe space where we can get over these small frustrations and regulations and co-regulate together,” said Opsal of Romp and Rollick. There are simple ways to incorporate sensory play:
- Bath time: Opsal said water is a “magic power” because of its soothing effect, from the wave-like movement to the sound of a bath. You can also add bubbles, water toys and color.
- Mealtime: Let infants eat by themselves with their hands.
- Sensory bins: Lay a king-sized bedsheet on the floor, ideally outside, grabbing any container like a big bowl or box, then filling it with a “taste-safe, but not delicious” food source like rice and a small cup. (She strongly warns against dried beans—they’re a possible choking hazard.)
The best part: there are no instructions.
It’s OK if they get messy or play with rice in unconventional ways.
Let your child put it in their shirt, pour it over parts of their body, or make snow angels out of it. That’s part of the fun!
While younger children often have shorter attention spans, Opsal says that’s not true in her sensory bin classes.
“It's because that rhythmic nature just calms the nervous system and helps them lock in,” said Opsal. “Ah, it's amazing to watch.”
Try preventative play through mirroring
Georgie Wisen-Vincent, a nationally recognized play therapy expert and the director of the Play Strong Institute, said playing with your child using mirroring techniques creates a calm, connected experience — one that you can return to when your child is dysregulated.
Basically, that means you reflect back what your child is feeling during play, whether through facial expressions, body language, or tone.
For example, if your child is playing with toys and there’s a battle between superheroes and villains, joining in shows them you understand what they’re feeling.
When you play along — following their lead and reflecting their emotions — you’re building trust, Wisen-Vincent said.
So, when a meltdown happens, they know you’re there to support them, just like you are when you’re playing together.
Think of it as "preventative play.”
Here’s one way parents can think about their role here: “I'm there to be the superhero of their emotional experience right now,” said Wisen-Vincent. “We can weather this together.”
Use music and movement
Music is a wonderful way to connect with the wide range of emotions we all feel.
Whether through singing or dancing, it helps us connect to our bodies and breath — tools that can assist us in self-regulation.
Veronika Luu, a music speech educator at PLAY, an art school serving young children, says that singing together or having small dance parties at home are simple ways to include music in your family's daily life.
Do it together! It encourages playfulness.
Helpful Resources
Here are a few books, guides and organizations recommended by the experts interviewed in this piece that can give some additional tips.
- Beyond Behaviors, by Mona Delahooke
- The Way of Play, by Georgie Wisen-Vincent and Tina Payne Bryson
- The Whole-Brain Child, by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
- No Bad Kids, by Janet Lansbury
- Play Strong Institute: Resources on play-based therapy.
- Association for Play Therapy: Provides a directory to help families find a play therapist.
- Autism Level Up: A space created for the neurodivergent community by the community. It has resources, supportive discussion spaces, meetups and more!
- Sensory Space Design: Occupational therapists help create spaces specifically designed to meet families' needs, including those of families with autism and ADHD.
- Romp and Rollick: Offers process art and sensory classes along with consulting services for families, schools, and businesses
- Here We Grow: An occupational therapy and disability consultative service.
- Center for Connection: Has an array of therapy services, including psychotherapy, assessments, educational therapy, play therapy, occupational therapy, and speech & language therapy.
