For months, critics of Hillary Clinton, from John "such a mavericky maverick that he promises his presidency will be exactly like George Bush's" McCain, to our corporate liberal media, have been demanding, with different degrees of credulity, that Hillary release her White House records.

From newsrooms to blog comments, it's been a tidal wave of"What is She hiding?!", or "Why doesn't she follow Obama's lead and release her records?" And who can blame them? With all the competence, honesty, transparency, morality and lawful behavior oozing out of the Bush Administration during the last 8 years, investigative journalists have had nothing to do with themselves.

Fortunately for our beleaguered journos, Hillary finally caved and released her White House Records. And contrary to her campaign's assertion that they would reveal nothing of interest, Brian Ross and the rest of ABC's crack investigative team have blown the lid off of a scandal certain to rock the Hillary Clinton Campaign, and America, to its foundation. Brace yourselves, LAists.

Hillary might...

Or might not...

(Depending on her schedule...)

Have been somewhere in the vicinity, of a blow job.

Hillary Clinton spent the night in the White House on the day her husband had oral sex with Monica Lewinsky, and may have actually been in the White House when it happened, according to records of her schedule released today by the National Archives.

Brian Ross is a man with considerable journalistic power. You might remember Brian Ross as the "journalist" who most lovingly alleged that the 2001 Anthrax Scare was Saddam's fault. You know, one of the memes that made the current nightmare possible. Obviously, what he chooses to cover in this race will have far reaching effects. And he's decided that of all the issues relevant to this election cycle, the most pressing is whether or not Hillary might have breathed in blow job infected air.

And this, apparently, is how ABC chooses to spend millions of dollars.

It's easy to joke, but make no mistake. Which ever of the two Democrats left standing ends up with the nomination*, they will be subjected to puerile, panty sniffing nonsense every bit as odious as this one. Never mind the fact that 10 years on, much like Lloyd Dobbler in the second act of Say Anything, ABC is still obsessed with the Clenis. Right now, it's the pressing question of whether or not Hillary caught presidential cooties. This fall, we might hear about ex girlfriends Obama may have had before he met his wife.

Just last weekend, the most pressing issue of the day was that Obama's BLACK minister, who is ever so ANGRY, and Black, by the way, said some things that make people somewhat uncomfortable. Which somehow was supposed to make Obama unfit for the presidency. A laughable suggestion when you consider the double standard applied - after all, Obama's minister might have been an impolitic firebrand, but Obama didn't have to reassure his base of his credentials, by visiting a university known for prohibiting interracial relationships.

But who cares, right? Republicans, after all, are generally exempt from the kind of investigation and scorn that journalists like those at ABC think benefits the nation when Democrats are involved.

So let's salute ABC, and their hardworking journalists, for diligently protecting the nation from Hillary's sperm infected Aura. A fervently masturbating nation thanks you.

Meanwhile, the rest of us might consider working for the return of the Fairness Doctrine.

Photo courtesy of the AP

*Please let it be Obama!