How internet-famous bald eagles Jackie and Shadow helped me process my miscarriage

I first learned about Jackie and Shadow, the so-called “royal couple of Big Bear Valley,” during an editorial meeting here at LAist back in March. Our editors had noticed that all the stories we were publishing about these two bald eagles that starred in their own YouTube livestream were attracting a lot of attention.

People were obsessed with these literal lovebirds that were taking turns sitting on their eggs and waiting for their eaglets to hatch. Hundreds of thousands of people were tuning in to watch their livecam that overlooked their nest with a gleaming Big Bear Lake in the background.

At the time of this meeting, I had just learned that I was pregnant. It was still too early to tell people, and so I sat in my chair silently, amused that both the eagles and I were on the same journey. I also wondered if there was a way to cover the eagles for the show I host, Imperfect Paradise, a weekly narrative podcast that showcases California stories with universal significance. Our team was in the midst of production on a series about iconic predators in Southern California, and I thought the eagles could be a good addition. Maybe I could do a more personal story about pregnancy. I didn’t realize then just how personal Jackie and Shadow’s story would become.

Relating to Jackie and Shadow

My whole life I’ve wanted to start my own family. When my husband and I moved to L.A. we bought a house on a hill, our version of a nest in a tree. I learned that one of Jackie and Shadow fans’ favorite things to watch for in the livestream was how they worked as a team: Shadow brought Jackie food and sticks back to the nest; they would switch off and take turns sitting on their three eggs; every time Jackie called for Shadow, he would hear her and fly back to the nest.

I could relate. In those first weeks of pregnancy, I would sometimes fall asleep around 5 p.m., waking up a couple of hours later bleary eyed and confused, begging my husband for a glass of water.

Jackie and Shadow at their nest. (Friends of Big Bear Valley Facebook page)

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Those weeks were full of joyful anticipation. I started watching TikToks of people suggesting names that would work in both English and Spanish. I downloaded one of those apps that let me know that the embryo inside of me was the size of an olive. But I also found pregnancy to be a pretty anxious time. I had a really hard time sleeping, and I was flooded by negative self thoughts.

Their family saga mirrored mine

March of 2024 was also an anxious time for Jackie and Shadow fans. The average incubation time for a bald eagle egg is 35 days. Jackie had laid her first egg on Jan. 25. By mid-March, there were still no pips — the little cracks in a shell made by eaglets as they start to poke their way out. Comments flooded the Friends of Big Bear Valley Facebook fan page. People sent prayers and called the birds “amazing” in their dedication to their eggs. But slowly, hope for each egg waned.

In mid April, around the same time when it became clear Jackie and Shadow would not have eaglets this nesting season, I had my first ultrasound. I could see on the sonogram an inky black sack that my doctor said was my pregnancy sack. She moved the probe around, and it looked like darkness within darkness.

"Are they hiding from us?" I jokingly said.

When my doctor didn't say anything back, I knew something was really wrong. The doctor told me I likely had a blighted ovum. It’s when a fertilized egg implants in your uterine lining but does not develop into an embryo. I remember squeezing my husband's hand as fat tears rolled down my cheeks.

The days after I learned of my miscarriage, I took time off of work. The next morning, I drove myself, as if possessed, to Home Depot right when it opened at 6 a.m. I bought bags of dirt, mulch, seeds and seedlings. I spent the next several days with my hands in the ground. I needed to distract myself from one specific thought — that I deserved this. Someone with as much anxiety as me, with my lack of self-confidence, someone as ungrateful as I am didn’t deserve to be a mother.

Then, I would react to my reaction. How could I be so cruel to myself? There didn’t have to be an explanation for what happened to me other than that it happened. But then, how could I make sense of this? My mind would go in loops and loops, alternating from hating myself to feeling general existential despair.

Processing Jackie and Shadow's story to help me process mine

I returned to work and felt determined to tell the story about Jackie and Shadow. I felt like working on that story could help get me out of the doom loop I was stuck in. I had LAist reporter Makenna Sieverston who had been doing a lot of the Jackie and Shadow coverage join me in the studio to tell me their whole saga. Over an hour into our conversation, we got to the part where Jackie and Shadow realized themselves that their eggs wouldn’t be viable. Makenna described Shadow’s behavior when he saw one of the eggs had cracked.

“He sat on the edge of the nest for quite some time. He saw the egg flipped over, and he saw that it was broken. He flew away; he stayed away longer than he ever had been. They did both come back to the nest that night. Jackie ended up covering the last two eggs with enough fluff to hide them from the cameras. And they slept away from the nest that night, but they have a favorite roosting tree. They were spotted together on the roosting trees, snuggled up.”

When I heard this description of the two eagles looking on at their eggs that wouldn’t hatch from a nearby roosting tree, I started to cry. I felt a bit ridiculous losing my composure listening to a story about two internet-famous eagles. The situation made me laugh, as I sobbed and continued to ask Makenna questions.

I asked, “What's up with them now?”

And Makenna responded, “They ended up cleaning up the nests, making the nest ready for the next time.”

A still from the Eagle Cam in Big Bear Valley. Jackie and Shadow are expecting their eggs to hatch any day now.

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Friends Of Big Bear Valley

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YouTube

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It was a relief to hear that the eagles are moving on. In my post miscarriage garden trance, I picked up a book by a psychoanalyst named Sue Stuart Smith called The Well Gardened Mind: Rediscovering Nature in the Modern World. In it, she describes how in our brains we have specialized cells called mirror neurons in the motor parts of our cortex. As we observe movement, they fire…and make us feel as if we are making the movements ourselves.

Stuart Smith writes, “The fascination of watching a bird as it glides is that we, in part, glide along with it. Because the experience is being actively simulated within us, we can project ourselves into the bird as if we are accompanying it on its flight.”

When you go through a miscarriage, one of the first things you learn is how many people you know that have also gone through one. And it does feel good to know you’re not alone. It’s even more powerful when you realize you’re experiencing something alongside the whole natural world.

Listen: Lions, Coyotes, & Bears…and Eagles!

Listen • 29:00

Listen • 29:00

Lions, Coyotes, & Bears: Part 4 - The Eagle Lovebirds

Jackie and Shadow are two beloved bald eagles who live in Big Bear, a ski town a couple hours northeast of L.A. They went viral in 2024, as people tuned in to a livestream of their nest to see if their eggs would hatch. Fans around the world became deeply attached to the lovebirds, obsessing over the couple’s devotion to each other and their eggs. For Imperfect Paradise host Antonia Cereijido, the story became personal when she also began her parenthood journey. Antonia explores how our relationship to wildlife can help us better understand ourselves.

CONTENT ADVISORY: This episode includes details about pregnancy complications.