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Funniest Blog In the World Alert
If you're like me, (white, liberal, living in an urban setting) you're probably a huge fan of The Neverending Story.
Remember near the end of the film, when The Nothing has completely destroyed all of Fantasia, except for the Childlike Empress? Then, in the blackness of space, she turns to the screen and surprises the living hell out of Bastian, (the framing device/protagonist of the film,) by telling him that He's The One!!!, that the story he's been reading is and has always been all about him? Remember how he flipped out, threw the book aside and screamed something to the effect of "NOOOO IT'S NOT POSSIBLE OMGWTFBBQ!"?
That's how I felt earlier today when I read Stuff White People Like for the first time.
Are you a White Person? Be warned, you'll find it so terrifyingly applicable to your own life that you won't be able to sleep for a week, which is going to make you feel tragically important until you learn from Stereogum that insomnia is the new Living-In-Echo-Park, and that Stuff White People Like has already blogged it.
SWPL is an ever expanding list of (you guessed it) stuff White People like, specifically white Liberals in Urban settings, like me (Sigh.) It's volumnous, gut-bustingly hilarious and so dead on accurate that you'd think these people do nothing but study the ways of white people in their natural habitat, (Craftsman homes and 6 unit walkups.) That is, aside from defending their dissertation on the mating habits of Indie Rock hipsters in shoe store/DJ events.
Take #67, Standing Still at Concerts:
Music is very important to white people. It truly is the soundtrack to their lives, meaning that white people are constantly thinking about what songs would be on the soundtrack for the biopic. The problem is that most of the music that white people like isn't really dance-friendly. More often the songs are about pain, or love, or breaking up with someone, or not being able to date someone, or death. So when white people go to concerts at smaller venues, what to do they do? They stand still! This is an important part of white concert going as it enables you to focus on the music, and it will prevent drawing excess attention to you. Remember, at a concert everyone is watching you just waiting for you to try to start dancing. Then they will make fun of you.
The result is Belle and Sebastian concerts that essentially looks more like a disorganized line of people than a music event.
It get's worse - Here's #7, Diversity:
White people love ethnic diversity, but only as it relates to restaurants.
Ouch. But lest you think you can escape their steely gaze by slipping into the local Laemmle, here's #10, Wes Anderson movies:
If you find yourself in a situation with a white person, and an awkard silence falls over you. Mention any of the movies below and you will have something to talk about, and they will like you. Here are some approved comments: The Darjeeling Limited (2007) "It's so great to see that he's back, Owen Wilson is just fantastic."
Hotel Chevalier (2007) "Can you believe Natalie Portman got kind of naked?"
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004) "I know a lot of people said they didn't like this film, but I thought it was fantastic." (Note: it is acceptable to be critical of this movie).
The Royal Tenenbaums (2001) "This movie changed my life."
Rushmore (1998) "This is when Bill Murray really changed in my eyes, he's so fantastic in the movie, and Jason Schwartzman is a true star."
Bottle Rocket (1996) "I saw this movie in 1994″
Meanwhile, I intend to track these guys down and find out just what makes them tick. Stuff White People Like Creators? I promise, I'm not like those other white people! I like hip hop!