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Horatio Caine: The Enigma Wrapped in a Mystery

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So last night LAist was playing the David Caruso Drinking Game, where players imbibe according to Caruso’s acting tics, uh, we mean nuanced performance. While watching CSI: Miami, we couldn’t help but marvel at Horatio Caine’s mysterious ways and the magic of television.

First off, how much makeup does Caruso have to wear? We watch the show on high-definition, and we’re wondering how the stuff doesn’t melt off his face. It’s caked on kabuki style. We know the guy is not so much the looker, but at this point, do the makeup folks really think helps?

Secondly, there’s a storyline developing that seems to have come out of left field: Horatio Caine is getting married to Marisol, the sister of hottie CSI Eric Delco (Adam Rodriguez). Now we know that Marisol has cancer of some sort. LAist thinks it must be brain cancer because pressure on her frontal lobes is the only reason that can explain how someone that hot goes after someone -- who’s just not.

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And the pairing of Marisol and Horatio just smacks of a season-ending ratings ploy during May sweeps, doesn’t it? She’s going to bite it somehow by the end of the season. We can just feel it. And so be it. The two have zero chemistry. The writers have been tagging on ending scenes between the two that are out of place with the rest of the show. Like last night, Marisol kinda sorta asked Horatio to marry her. As far as we can recall, they haven’t held hands much. They haven’t kissed. And thank goodness we haven’t seen them in bed together.

We watch CSI: Miami because it’s a procedural drama – when we want “relationships” we flip to Grey’s Anatomy. And more importantly, we watch CSI: Miami because of the greatness of god-like Horatio Caine. It’s no wonder David Caruso is big in France.