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Love Songs to Creep You Out & Make You Sick

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Tom Reynolds of Groundlings fame is creeped out by the too-tawdry, overly-obsessive, weirdly-whacked love songs of our day and he's written a book to make his case. In Touch Me, I'm Sick: The 52 Creepiest Love Songs You've Ever Heard, Reynolds calls out 52 songs for scrutiny (from Slipknot to Melissa Ethridge to the Beatles) and dissects every drop of their creepy essence.

His list includes these gems:

  • Every Breath You Take by The Police - With end-of-song lyrics like "every vow she breaks, every smile she fakes" Reynolds notes how uber-creepy it is that it's the most-played song at...weddings.
  • Pieces of Me performed by Ashlee Simpson - "The first time I heard it I thought, who's this Texas Chainsaw fan singing this song?"
  • Dirrty performed by Christina Aguilera - "What makes the slut operettas like Dirrty so bad-creepy is the disingenuous bullshit that comes with them, where women singers insist that rubbing their labias against a fire pole demonstrates 'female empowerment.'"
  • Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer - "While it's clearly about Mayer spending a lazy day boffing his girlfriend, the way he describes it sucks out all the seduction and replaces it with a pimply kid with Asperger's Syndrome sneaking into a cheerleader's bedroom to cop a feel."
  • You Oughta Know performed by Alanis Morrisette - "Almost any man will wince at the sheer mention of this tune while instinctively placing his hands over his groin."

Tom Reynolds will read from and sign Touch Me, I'm Sick at Book Soup tonight @ 7pm.

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Don't remember how creepy those lyrics really are? Have another listen...

Every Breath You Take performed by Sting & Phil Collins

Pieces of Me by Ashlee Simpson (extra bonus: check out that pre-plastic surgery face!)

Dirrty performed by Christina Aguilera

Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer

You Oughta Know performed by Alanis Morrisette