One of the great perks of financial well-being is being able to treat loved ones to a special meal every now and then. But just because one person can pick up the tab, do the unwritten rules of society mandate they have to?
Karen Thomas, an etiquette expert based in Connecticut, recently joined LAist’s daily news program AirTalk, to answer listener questions and to outline how to navigate the often tricky world of finances between friends and family.
The Golden Rule
Etiquette as a principle refers to societal norms in various forms of human interactions that rely on codes of conduct and expected behaviors. In other words, the field of Etiquette argues that there is a proper, generally acceptable way to go about almost any human interaction. That includes the gambit of splitting the check.
“By etiquette standards, the person who invites, pays,” Thomas said, adding, “If I invite you, I should be doing the paying.”
But is it that black-and-white? What if you are the person who wants to go out with your friends, but you simply cannot sustain the financial burden that comes with covering everyone’s bases at the end of the meal?
In this case, awkward conversations can’t be avoided — but bad timing can be!
“There’s nothing worse than putting the server in a bad position,” Thomas said, adding, “Talk about things ahead of time and say I’m going to pick up the tab, or why don’t we split the tab.”
Getting this uneasy conversation out of the way doesn’t just give you peace of mind, but it also clears the way for a more pleasant and non-contentious meal.
Do parents always have to pay when dining out with adult children?
For the most part, baby boomers are considered the wealthiest generation that ever lived, with Gen X coming in second. Many parents take great pride in being able to treat their kids to a night out.
But still, it puts them in a position where their kids — even when they become adults — expect mom and pops to pick up the tab, every stinking time.
As it turns out, even though the inherent expectation may be there, it most certainly does not have to be the norm.
“Whenever I take my adult kids out to eat, I always pick up the tab,” said Thomas. “I feel that it’s expected, but by etiquette standards, that is incorrect,” adding that if parents are tired of their kids not chipping in, they too need to preface the meal with an understanding about splitting, or even footing, the bill.
“I insist, this one’s on me.”
Have you ever found yourself expecting a meal from a person you did a huge favor for? Well, the “it’s the least I can do” offer may have some holes in it too, if you’re not careful, as AirTalk listeners pointed out.
‘A friend of mine needed a car during COVID, when the supply chain was really low,” Linda in Culver City told Larry, “I have someone who I keep pretty close to my chest because he’s my car guy, and I took this person along with me. Not only did I get them a car, I also got them a tremendous deal.”
Linda said that her friend was in a celebratory mood after, and they decided to go to a restaurant that she would otherwise not go to. “When the bill came, they wanted to split it,” said Linda. “I just found it extraordinarily rude. I assumed the meal was a thank you. It left a dampened feeling on me about them.”
Am I being cheap or fair?
Etiquette aside, what happens when one person racks up the bill a disproportionate amount?
What if one person orders a salad and the person they’re with orders a prime steak and pairs it with the perfect — and pricey — wine?
‘‘At that point, ask for separate checks; that way, we’ve drawn the line in the sand,” Thomas said. “You could pull the waiter or waitress aside, not in front of the other person, and ask for them to split the checks.”
Big groups and big tips
Willis in Long Beach called in and said, “My mother turned 80 and we three kids decided to sponsor a birthday party. When the check came to the table, there was already a gratuity included on it.”
In Southern California, it is not uncommon for restaurants to add a mandatory gratuity charge for large groups.
“My brother-in-law actually said we’re all going to pay $100 extra each, without consulting us to ask what tip amount we should leave,” said Willis, adding, “He’s of much greater means than me, and I did not like that he took it upon himself to decide what the additional tip would be.”
“The extra tip should have been discussed between all three of you,” said Thomas. ‘‘I would have just gone along with the flow of things just to not have any conflicts, and then I would have discussed it afterwards during another time.”
Cultural expectations can override etiquette
All this said and done, it could very well be that splitting the bill and the etiquette that goes along with it just does not apply to you.
Lori called in to say, “In Armenian culture, we don't politely discuss who's paying the check; we fight over it. It doesn't matter who invited whom, who is wealthy, or who ordered what. Paying the bill is a cultural honor sport. There is pushing, yelling, dramatic wallet grabbing, and sometimes actual emotional blackmail.”
You can listen to Larry Mantle's full conversation with etiquette expert Karen Thomas and listeners below.
When there’s an income or age disparity, who should pick up the check?
