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Before I even start this, let me just say that I fall WAY outside of this movie's target demographic, so I'm expecting to be shouted down by hoards of Red Bull-addled teenage boys about this. Also, this movie will probably make more money than we've spent on Iraq in the past three years, but what the hell.
Transformers sucks.
Don't get me wrong, there are some awesome car chases and explosions (which are interrupted by lame attempts at plot and an awkward love story), and some interesting comic relief (a robot disguised as a car who communicates by dialing bits of songs from the radio, and a chihuahua with his foot in a cast for some reason who pees on a robot's foot for.. well, some reason) but about 3/4 of the way through the movie I just wanted it to end.
At some point, I can only see a brightly colored CGI robot kick another brightly colored CGI robot's ass (wait. Do robots even have asses?) for so long, and then I just need to lie down and read a book that hasn't got any pictures.
Sensory overload aside, the main problem with Transformers - aside from it being just too fucking long - 2 hours and 23 minutes for a movie that very well could have been 80 minutes (and would have been a lot better had some of the fat been cut, so to speak) - was the attempt to force a moral point.
The Transformers themselves (the good ones, at least. We never really get to know the bad ones. Fine with me. That damn movie's long enough already) are agents of good (or something) and the leader, Optimus Prime, seems to break into lectures about humanity, life and whatever (or something) on a moment's notice.
That's a bit much coming from a cheap plastic toy which made a thin premise for a Saturday morning cartoon.
What I wanted was for one of the movie's army guys to shoot it in the face just to get it to shut. the. fuck. up.
Actually, that's not true. What I really wanted to do was to get up and take my bleeding ears (the movie's really loud and the robots make some sounds which are remarkably like nails on a chalkboard) and aching eyes and leave.
But, since I was at a screening sitting right in front of Mr. Bay and his, um, special friend, I had to sit there and just take it.
Michael, Michael. This has got to stop. Listen to me very carefully:
Why do you keep trying to insert ethical lessons into action movies? Leave the moral high ground to film students and the French. Just make stuff blow up.
That, you do very well, and when you do what you do, you make a good 'turn your brain off' shoot 'em up action movie, which is precisely why many of us pay for a ticket - which helps to keep you obscenely rich.
We do not pay the inflated ticket prices in order to get a fucking lecture from a Mack truck or whatever that thing is.
If you're not careful, you're going to piss off (or worse yet, bore to the point that they figure out watching chick flicks will get them laid) that coveted young single male demographic who are hyped as hell about the explosions in this movie and are going to push your box office numbers into the stratosphere.
Trust me, Michael. You do not want to lose these guys because if you do and you end up making movies for people like me, you'll end up living in a cheap apartment in Hollywood and driving to Sundance in a rusted-out 87 Volvo, praying to make it over the mountains. And then you'd have to watch some serious chick flicks to get laid.
All photos by Peggy Archer
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I haven't seen the film so I'm completely unqualified to comment on the validity of your criticisms. They appear to be well thought out enough.
But I gotta say, you sound like the last person I'd pick to review this film. Ever see the animated series? Care for action flicks at all? I'm guessing it's no on two counts.
After reading that review, I don't think any of that matters Ben. Peggy, that was the funniest fucking review I've read in a long time. Now it's almost worth going to see the movie just to laugh at the parts you're talking about. It's like when we went to see "Along in the Dark" starring Tara Reid as an archeologist. And now I can't wait for "Alone in the Dark II"
Transformers was a great summer comedy plus it had some killer action sequences and special effects. A++. Shame about all the cars, my MetoRiderLA sensibilities tell me I shouldn't like it so much. Plus Shia LaBeouf is a mega star, always has been.
Hmm... I don't agree with the review at all. The audience I saw the film with were all cheering and going on about the characters, the action sequences and the plot. I guess you'd say we were the target audience and it was a bullseye!
I disagree with the review as well. I am a snobby film major who generally expects FAR too much from movies that grew up without ever giving a crap about Transformers- and I LOVED it. Its bad(d)in that yes-i-just-used-two-d's-to-spell-badd-let's-go-watch-some-robots-manifest-themselves-as-cars-that-used-to-be-cool-in-the-80s-go-blow-each-other-up sort of way. I didn't really feel that I was being smacked upside the head with morality either- unless you don't consider "thou shalt strap KC Lights and Roll Bars on every transforming vehicle" a rule to live by.
"Hmm... I don't agree with the review at all. The audience I saw the film with were all cheering and going on..."
Dude. There is a word for those people. They're called NERDS. Of course Transformers was going to suck. IT'S TRANSFORMERS! Hollywood can't make good films anymore and thats all there is too it. THe only good stuff is coming from french directors who use American actors and Todd Solands. Other than that it's all crap like Knocked Up and Evan ALmighty and Jessica Alba.
Surprise, surprise. A summer movie turns out to be an over-hyped glossy scam.
Transformers was more THAN Meets the EYE. The Toys Transformed my childhood and now the movie Transformed my Adulthood back into my Childhood.Where's He-man?Yo Joe!