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What one woman learned from going a year without sex
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Author Melissa Febos.
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Courtesy Beowulf Sheehan/Melissa Febos
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After a string of unhealthy, entangled relationships, Melissa Febos decided to try something new — voluntary celibacy.
She began with a goal of three months. No sex, no seduction. Three months led to another three months, which led to three more. Before she knew it, she'd gone a whole year.
She now says it was the best time of her life.
Febos spoke to Austin Cross on AirTalk, LAist 89.3's daily news program, about her year without sex, which she details in her new book, The Dry Season: A Memoir of Pleasure in a Year Without Sex.
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Here's what she learned.
Celibacy is a good time
What happens when you cut sex out of your life? For Febos, she suddenly had more time to spend with herself, her family and her friends. She had more time for her creative practices and got to know herself in a way she never had in her adult life.
"No sex, no dating, no flirting. I'm going to take a break and see what's going on here."
— Melissa Febos
"Within days and a week I was actually having the best time of my life," she said, which is why she kept going beyond her initial goal.
Intimacy is a set of practices
What is intimacy and how do we source it? This question was a big part of Febos' journey. One of her biggest lessons learned was about her tendency to withhold "the full reality of who [she] was" in relationships.
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"I had to become the right person before I could find the right person," she said.
During her year without sex, Febos began to see intimacy as something active that she could put into habitual practice, not just with others, but with herself. That practice? Being honest with herself.
Societal messaging has failed us
We often think of ourselves as failures if our relationships fail, but what if it's the messaging we get from society that actually set us up to fail? As young women, we're taught to source our self-esteem from love, romance and sex. We're told to be attractive and lovable.
After nearly 20 years of back-to-back monogamous relationships, in which Febos tried hard to be the hero of her own rom-com, everything came crashing down. A "catastrophic relationship followed by a catastrophic breakup" was the final straw. As she let go of the story of who she thought she was supposed to be, she began to re-write the version of herself she wanted to be.
Melissa Febos's new book The Dry Season
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Melissa Febos
/
Melissa Febos
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By the end of her year of celibacy, Febos was in such a good place that she considered never being in a relationship again. Toward the end of that year, though, she met someone. They've been married for nine years. Would it have worked out had she not devoted a year to celibacy?
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"Not a chance," she said.
Where to hear the author
What: Melissa Febos presents The Dry Season
Location: Skylight Books in Los Feliz | 1818 N Vermont Ave, Los Angeles, CA 90027
Date and time: Monday, June 16 at 7 p.m.
Details: Learn more about the event here.
Listen to the full conversation
Listen
• 16:09
Listen: The revelations that came with a year of voluntary celibacy
Melissa Febos, author of the new book, "The Dry Season: A Memoir of Pleasure in a Year Without Sex," talks about her break from sex after a series of entangled relationships.
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