Father Sarducci's Absolute Worst Holiday Song Ever

ROBERT SIEGEL, host:

First, the downside. We're looking at the end of a three-day holiday weekend. Millions of us go back to work tomorrow, empty boxes and ugly undressed trees start turning up at curbside, waiting for disposal. Talk of goodwill and peace on earth will soon start to sound like the rantings of kooks and idealists once again.

But then, there's the upside. The sales. And pretty soon, the soundtrack of our lives will revert to normal in the malls, the stores and the restaurants. Pretty soon, the Christmas music will go away.

For many people, this is a blessed relief. For them, the ringing of "Silver Bells" is tinnitus to their ears. "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" sounds like a protest song against global warming by now.

One person who hates Christmas songs is Father Guido Sarducci, comic persona of comedian Don Novello.

(Soundbite of music)

Mr. DON NOVELLO (Comic): (as Father Guido Sarducci) I hate the Christmas songs. I say I hate them and I know it's a very, very strong word. But I really mean it. They start to play them too soon, and they play them way too long.

SIEGEL: Father Guido has worked his revenge on the genre by writing and recording this song, which he claims to be the worst and longest Christmas song ever. Fourteen-and-a-half minutes of his narration and a children's chorus, it is called "100 Bulbs on the Christmas Tree."

Mr. NOVELLO: You know, Robert,there are so many things about Christmas, you know, these so-called traditions, that's I think are just shoved down on people's throats and nobody likes them. And we have to throw it out, like cleaning up your attic. There are things are like eggnog and fruitcake, chestnuts. This is junk. You know, if eggnog's so great, why don't people drink it at other times over the year instead of just, you know, at lousy parties they have.

Fruitcake, I mean, is an affront in the front to fruit and cake. And it's like, you know, what is it? And a chestnut.

SIEGEL: Yeah.

Mr. NOVELLO: Did you ever hear anybody say may I have another chestnut, please?

Up to now, I think my favorite worst Christmas song of all time is "Little Drummer Boy." Oh, when I hear that, like in November, I say oh, here it comes now. Then I listen to bumpa-bumpa-bumpa-bum.

I mean, if you live a normal life span, how many times are you going to listen to this "Little Drummer Boy" song, it's like a perfect boy, you know. But he's still cute, you know, this little drummer boy have no gift to give to little baby. I guess I could play a tune for him on my drum. On my drum. Well, but I have one question about the little drummer boy. How come he didn't give him his drum?

SIEGEL: Who's performing with you on this?

Mr. NOVELLO: Well, there are some kids singing. There's kids singing.

(Singing) Hundred of bulbs on the Christmas tree, you know.

They're children, regular American children.

They made it, too, you know, I thought we had to bring in another second team, you know, (unintelligible)

(Soundbite of song, "100 Bulbs of Christmas Tree")

Unidentified Children: (Singing) 100 Christmas bulbs -

Mr. NOVELLO: It's another worm in the Christmas bulb, and soon after, should it fall, you only got 32(ph) bulbs.

SIEGEL: Well, Father Guido, you set out with great ambitions to write the worst and longest Christmas song. Now, do you think you've succeeded, really?

Mr. NOVELLO: I do. I think I've reached my goal. And I'm open, you know, to anyone trying to beat it. But I think I could, you know, I'm going to rest on my laurels for this Christmas, that I have done my job.

SIEGEL: Well, you've thrown down the gauntlet to anybody who wants to match you over the next 12 months.

Mr. NOVELLO: That's right. That's right.

SIEGEL: Don Novello, Father Guido Sarducci, thank you very much for talking with us.

Mr. NOVELLO: Thank you very much.

(Soundbite of song, "100 Bulbs of Christmas Tree")

Mr. NOVELLO: Only two more -

SIEGEL: We've been talking about his incredibly long and bad Christmas song, "100 Bulbs on the Christmas Tree."

(Soundbite of song, "100 Bulbs of Christmas Tree")

Mr. NOVELLO: Only one more to go -

Unidentified Children: (Singing) If one of those balls should happen to fall -

Mr. NOVELLO: Let's hear it for ourselves. We did it. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.