Thinking About Moving In With Your Significant Other? Here's What Experts Say To Consider First

In a city as ruinously expensive as Los Angeles, moving in with your significant other can seem like a no-brainer. Saving on rent plus snuggles on demand? Sounds great, right? But research suggests it pays to be very intentional about the decision to cohabitate.

On LAist's daily news show AirTalk, which airs on 89.3 FM, host Austin Cross talked with experts who shared some insight and guidance for couples who are thinking about making the big move.

Sliding or deciding?

When it comes to cohabitating, University of Denver psychologist Galena Rhoades says there are two terms that are useful to know: "sliding" and "deciding." They refer to the different ways two people end up living together.

"When we ask people, 'How did you start living together?' people typically say, 'It just sort of happened,'" said Rhoades. Her research found that many couples "slid" into living with their partner as opposed to making an intentional decision to do so. Her work also suggests that couples who move in together not only experience new stresses, but are also more likely to stay together and even get married.

"We now know from decades from research that people who moved in together before they were engaged and before they had decided to get married tend to have worse outcomes in marriage," she said.

The reason? When couples slide into cohabitation, Rhoades said, they often end up feeling like they have to get married — their lives have become too entangled, and marriage is also the societal expectation. But these couples may not have gotten married if they hadn't moved in together in the first place. Rhoades said the data is clear that making the decision to move in together usually leads to a better outcome than when couples "slide" into cohabitation.

"One you sign a lease, you're now at least committed for the next year. You share friends, you're more likely to get pregnant, you rely on each other financially. There are a lot of what we consider constraints and things that make it harder to end a relationship," said Rhoades.

Clarity is key

Even if you do "decide" to move in instead of "slide" into cohabitation, there are important questions that couples should ask each other in this process.

Kristina S. Brown, a professor in the couples and family therapy department at Adler University in Chicago, encouraged couples to have conversations about expectations for what the relationship will look like after moving in together.

"We definitely want [couples] ... to negotiate different things ... including household roles, chores and responsibilities, how their professional identity impacts their personal identity, family of origin," she said.

And then, Brown said, there are the bigger conversations, like faith beliefs, fundamental values and finances.

Talk about the taboos

Speaking of finances, money can be one of those difficult topics to broach in a relationship. One partner might have more of it, while the other might be struggling to get by. So, how do you decide what neighborhood to live in and what happens when one partner can afford more?

"What we find in talking to people who are living together is they often don't talk about those details as they're moving in together," said the University of Denver's Rhoades.

She said couples who move in together before marriage and engagement are at somewhat of a disadvantage because they're managing issues with finances, household roles and chores and other things in addition to working on their relationship. Married couples, by contrast, tend to be in a more stable place in their relationship, freeing them up to focus their time and energy on cohabitating.

The (exit) plan

Having a plan before moving in together is important. But even though it might seem premature, it can also pay off to talk about what happens if living together doesn't work out, or the relationship ends unexpectedly.

"It is important for relationships to talk about an exit strategy at the beginning. Part of that is also to determine what are some of those things that might be pitfalls moving forward so that they can work together ahead of time to avoid them," said Brown.

She said these discussions are also about security. "If we know what's going to happen in the future, we can focus what's going on right now with our whole heart and attention."

AirTalk listeners weigh in

Rose in Santa Monica: "When [my fiancé] and I moved in together we had been dating for a couple years. He grew up in a household that was very clean, and so did I. But I handled it in the completely opposite way. If I want to leave my dishes in the sink overnight, I do. It was a friction I wasn't expecting when we moved in together. But I think moving in together before getting engaged was incredibly useful and only strengthened our relationship. But it doesn't bring up childhood traumas I never would have expected."

Pat in Hollywood: "My husband and I drifted into living together — dishes in the sink, clothes on the chair. He's the king of untidy, I'm the queen of tidy. But let's put it this way: We've been married 48 years. I think what you do is put emphasis on the things in the relationship that you value."

Listen to the conversation