How to care for an aging parent – tips from a gerontologist on what to ask and how to prepare

It can be difficult to watch a parent or loved one age, especially when they begin to need assistance. And it is even more of a challenge when you're tasked with becoming their primary caregiver.

On a recent episode of LAist's daily news program AirTalk, which airs on 89.3. FM, host Larry Mantle talked with gerontologist and director of the USC Family Caregiver Support Center Donna Benton about how to navigate the challenges of being a caregiver for a parent or parents — and got some tips from both Benton and AirTalk listeners on things they wish they'd known when taking on caregiving responsibilities.

Start a conversation early

When it comes to discussing your parents’ needs and wishes for elder care, Benton said it's best to plan ahead and not wait until there's a crisis.

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“It's a heavy conversation to have, but I know most parents want to lessen the burden of their kids if they can,” she said. “So having that conversation, thinking through those things, is really, really helpful.”

AirTalk listener Anne in Huntington Beach is a caregiver for both her parents and seconded Benton's advice. She said one of the challenges she faced when first starting their care was trying to meet her parents’ needs and expectations for what at-home care looked like for them.

“That's probably one of the biggest lessons I learned is to have a conversation with your parents early,” Anne said. “What do you want? Are you OK being in a home? Do you want to be in your own home? And what does that look like? What do we need to do now to make sure that that can happen?”

At-home care requires financial planning and may entail modifying the home to make it more accessible for your aging loved-one, all things that need advanced preparation. It may also be beneficial to include your parent in the planning and decision process beyond just asking them what they want.

Diana in Fullerton emailed saying that when her father needed additional care, he helped interview home caregivers and that gave him a role in choosing who looked after him.

Know your options

“I think what's helpful for adult children is if [they] can learn about what options are out there, and what questions to ask about services and support in advance,” Benton said.

If your parent or loved one wants to stay at home, Benton said you'll want to find answers to questions like, what services are offered to help enable that? What do they cost? If your parent wants to stay at a facility or assisted living home, what places are in your area?

“Many times when [they] say, ‘Oh, I don't want to leave my home’ it’s because [they] have an image of a nursing home, but there are housing options that are in between...an assisted living facility or smaller, shared housing,” Benton said.

For those trying to make arrangements for loved ones who live out of state, Benton said to reach out to the area agency on aging, who will be able to tell you what the local resources are.

It's also important to understand what financial options are open to you and your loved one.

“Of course these do change, but there's some standard ones you should understand and help your parent understand,” she said. “What does Medicare pay for? What does Medi-Cal pay for if they're eligible?”

Reframe the idea of who is in need of care

Probably the biggest challenge when caring for an aging parent is getting them to accept your help in the first place. After all, you're their child and they may feel strange having the caregiver role reversed.

Benton recommends using this to your advantage, and appealing to your parent’s desire to care for you. Rather than framing the task as something your parent can no longer do on their own, Benton said to turn it around on yourself, as something you want to do or something that is actually helping you instead.

“If there's an objection, you might say, ‘I'm doing this because it makes me feel good. Let me do this as a favor because it makes me feel a little less anxious,’” she said.

It’s OK to ask others for help

Caring for an aging loved one can be isolating and exhausting. Benton said it's important to build a team around you for support so you can find time to also care for yourself. This can be siblings, other family members, or friends.

“Ask your parent, ‘If I can't be there or when I'm not there, who else would you like to help you?’” Benton said.

Anne in Brea said she leans on her sisters for help when caring for their mother.

“We take turns with things during the day so that I can get a little break and my sister, who was taking care of her, can also get a break,” she said.

Mark in the Fairfax district wrote in recommending people use a senior living consultant to help find the right care for their parents.

“I think using consultants can be really wonderful because they know the services and the right questions to ask, and they can cut some of that frustration that you're going to feel,” Benton said.

And finally, be flexible

“A big key is flexibility, and persistence,” Benton said.

Service options change, as well as financial assistance, so options that weren’t open to you and your parent last year, may be open to you the next, she added.

“It's not a one and done answer for anything,” Benton said.

Listen to the conversation