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No! This just can't be happening!
I scrupulously avoid reading anything published by the LA County Department of Health, because otherwise I would never be able to eat anywhere ever again.
Unfortunately, my friend Donna just alerted me to the fact that Doughboy's, provider of our red velvet cake fix, made the Health Department's Food Facility Closure List for the period 05/31/2007 through 08/31/2007. Due to vermin infestation.
Quelle horreur !
In reality, I will probably end up going back to Doughboy's after I've sufficiently repressed this memory. If I really thought about all of the things I am probably eating on a daily basis, I would just starve myself to death. So I will forget this ever happened. I will just push it back into that magical land of denial where hamburgers grow on hamburger trees.
For those of you who are ready to leave the Matrix, there are a few notable excerpts from the LA County Department of Health Services after the jump, including Pinkberry, Brite Spot, and Cold Stone Creamery.
Legal Disclaimer: This picture is totally photoshopped. I have never had a mouse pop out of my red velvet cupcake and do a sexy dance for me. And my life is probably much the duller for it.
ALEXANDER'S BRITE SPOT, 1918 W SUNSET BLVD, LOS ANGELES
Date Closed: July 31, 2007
Date Reopened: August 09, 2007
Reason for Closure:
Vermin Harborage
Vermin infestation
BUCA DI BEPPO, 17500 VENTURA BLVD, ENCINO
Date Closed: August 07, 2007
Date Reopened: August 09, 2007
Reason for Closure:
Vermin Harborage
Vermin infestation
CHRIST'S RESTAURANT, 4253 E COMPTON BLVD, COMPTON
Date Closed: June 27, 2007
Date Reopened: July 17, 2007
Reason for Closure:
Prevention of entrance (Jesus blocked the door?)
harborage of vermin
Vermin infestation
COLD STONE CREAMERY, 12265 VENTURA BLVD 102, STUDIO CITY
Date Closed: July 11, 2007
Date Reopened: July 13, 2007
Reason for Closure:
Vermin Harborage
DOUGHBOYS BAKERY, 8134-36 W 3RD ST, LOS ANGELES
Date Closed: May 31, 2007
Date Reopened: June 05, 2007
Reason for Closure:
Prevention of entrance and harborage of vermin
Vermin infestation
ELECTRIC LOTUS, 4656 FRANKLIN AVE, LOS ANGELES
Date Closed: August 21, 2007
Date Reopened: August 23, 2007
Reason for Closure:
Gross contamination of utensils/equipment
Vermin Harborage
Vermin infestation
FIGARO BISTROT, 1802-04 N VERMONT AVE, LOS ANGELES
Date Closed: June 26, 2007
Date Reopened: June 28, 2007
Reason for Closure:
Prevention of entrance and harborage of vermin
Vermin infestation
HAPPY PETS, 11600 ALONDRA BLVD. H1-8, NORWALK (Is this really a RESTAURANT? Well, I think I see your problem right here. Not so happy now, are we???)
Date Closed: August 02, 2007
Date Reopened: August 03, 2007
Reason for Closure:
No Public Health Permit
HOME DIAPERS, 1522 W 7TH ST, LOS ANGELES (Seriously, this is listed under FOOD FACILITY. Sadly, the pets and diapers are almost the only places free of vermin)
Date Closed: August 14, 2007
Reason for Closure:
No Public Health Permit
LES SISTER, 21818 DEVONSHIRE ST, CHATSWORTH
Date Closed: August 08, 2007
Date Reopened: August 10, 2007
Reason for Closure:
Vermin Harborage
Vermin infestation
PINKBERRY BRENTWOOD, 11711 GORHAM AVE, LOS ANGELES
Date Closed: June 26, 2007
Date Reopened: July 05, 2007
Reason for Closure:
Sewage (Now we know what Pinkberry is really made out of!)
RED LION TAVERN, 2366 GLENDALE BLVD, LOS ANGELES (I'm so sorry, everybody - it was not for "upgrades and renovations". Check the date.)
Date Closed: June 21, 2007
Date Reopened: June 23, 2007
Reason for Closure:
Gross contamination of utensils/equipment
Prevention of entrance and harborage of vermin
Vermin infestation
TOMMY'S ORIGINAL HAMBURGERS, 2575 BEVERLY BLVD, LOS ANGELES
Date Closed: August 22, 2007
Date Reopened: August 24, 2007
Reason for Closure:
Imminent health hazard to public health or safety
Vermin Harborage
Vermin infestation
OK, I ate at no less than three restaurants that were on the Health Department's list last week. This list has caused me to come to one conclusion: There are vermin everywhere! From the smallest taquerias to the ritziest steakhouses, in Subways and in Quiznos, and especially in the fast food kiosks at LAX. You cannot escape them! They are on the East, they are on the West, and they are on the person that you love the best. Accept it. We have lived with them forever. You can fight it, you can avoid it, but you might as well just cook one up and get the tension over with already.
P.S. For the curious and steel-stomached, the difference between vermin infestation and harborage, is with infestation they are alive and running around. Harborage means there are bite-marks, holes, nests, or other signs of vermin but no little critters doing the samba in the cupcakes.
