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As wonderful as it is in Los Angeles that we have so many theaters to suit our own particular and personal moviegoing preferences, a metropolitan area with a population approaching 20 million mean that we have to deal with some truly awful people when sitting down and taking in a cinematic experience that should be rightfully perfect. Whether it's the latest big-budget studio tentpole or the screening of an experimental work that draws only a dozen people, you've probably dealt with at least one of these in your lifetime. Here are the worst people you encounter at the movies in Los Angeles.
THE Q&A SYCOPHANT
The audience member most endemic to Los Angeles, with our bounty of unemployed screenwriters and weekly screenings throughout town that usually feature directors, cast members, or some random nobody that just-so-happens to be on the IMDb page of the movie in question. They say that in The Bizness it's who you know that truly matters, and it seems as if at least six audience members at any given screening at the Arclight on opening weekend will take this to heart and hope that squeezing in some nonsense question to James Cameron that he's already answered about 600 times in his career will be their foot stopping that door from slamming shut on them. But by all means, please continue to introduce yourself to Werner Herzog in German (even though he speaks perfect English). At least you gave it your all.
The Q&A Sycophant is now making regular appearances at screenings of films on their opening weekend at the Arclight and Landmark that happen to have the directors "in conversation."
The movie sucked and you're a weirdo. (Photo by Jerod Harris/Getty Images)
THE FANBOY
The biggest pox on film culture, and it's all Christopher Nolan's fault. Ever since he made male juvenelia 'respectable' in the movies again with his insanely overrated Batman trilogy, the multiplexes have been oversaturated with toy advertisements that people convince themselves are high art. Alongside these 200 or so movies we must be subjected to every summer we must also endure the hordes of males ages 14 to 40 who must nitpick, within earshot, mind you, about every last minute detail about some superheroes' costume or how the movie adaptation violated the sanctity of a comic book's mythos when they can't see the forest for the trees and realize that all of these movies suck anyway.The Fanboy is now showing up in hordes at your local multiplex every week now, since Marvel can't stop churning out these cash cows.
THE KNOW-IT-ALL CINEPHILE
Even people with good taste can be awful, and it's always the same one or two guys who you see at every screening at the New Beverly or Billy Wilder Theater laughing at every in-joke that only hardcore film nerds would understand or regurgitating some tidbit they read on the Wikipedia page of the movie before the screening. Don't let your know-it-all chuckle ruin that scene in The Long Goodbye because you know that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to show up randomly, or whisper in hushed tones to your friend that it's actually Roman Polanski himself that cuts Jack Nicholson's nose in Chinatown. We all know that, you dork. Also, your Cine-file shirt has a weird stain on it.
The Know-It-All Cinephile can be found regularly across town at screenings of any film made before 1976 at the Aero, Billy Wilder, New Bev, or Egyptian. Be careful, they smell.
Wake up, the credits rolled 10 minutes ago. (Shutterstock)
THE LOUD SNORER
Look grandpa if you really think the latest French drama that Kenneth Turan praised in the LA Times is just another boring mediocrity you're probably right but you don't have to broadcast it so loudly to the rest of us.The Loud Snorer is dozing off at another weekday matinee they can get out of in time for the early bird special at Norm's.
THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS SCOLD
People who use their cell phones or talk during a movie are pretty bad, but even worse are the people who make a show of shaming those that do. Your stern, "Please put away your cell phone!" to that 15-year-old girl sitting two rows in front of you must have made you feel pretty good, no? Oh and by the way, your loud "SHHHSH" made me miss a key bit of dialogue. Thanks for doing us all a favor.
The Self-Righteous Scold can be found anywhere at any screening. Look out!
THE OVERLY-DEFENSIVE ACCUSED
A rare bird, but truly a marvel to behold. Because people who talk or use their cell phones during movies are 100% in the wrong (don't argue with us on this), it takes a certain chutzpah to double-down and get flat-out confrontational about it. Usually it's just a response that the Self-Righteous Scold is deserving of; the sarcastic and obnoxiously loud "OK SORRY." But on rare occasions, moviegoers can be treated to the post-film confrontation between the accuser and the accused. Get over it lady, you got busted.
The Overly-Defensive Accused is hard to find, but when you do, sit back and marvel.
THE INDUSTRY INSIDER
Another L.A. native, it's always at advanced screenings or the latest box office flop the studio hopes to get buzz for a week ahead of its release. The Industry Insider is always dressed nice because he had to rush over from a meeting they just had with the head of Paramount's television department. By the way did you know that his college buddy was the EP on this? Or that the sequel has already been greenlit? I hope you lose your valet parking ticket.
The Industry Insider will be at any advanced screening that you happen to win tickets to through KCRW.
