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Manny Ramirez Claims He's Not A Murdering Rapist

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With the recent megasuspension of Dodgers superslugger Manny Ramirez, every American has been wondering: "is Manny Ramirez a murdering rapist?" Speaking publicly yesterday, for the first time in over a month, Ramirez put that to bed, reports "I didn't kill nobody, I didn't rape nobody," said the man with the surprise vacation. "That's it." That really must be it, as Ramirez didn't address his 50 game suspension in a way that got anyone too excited. "Whatever happened, that's in the past. I'm coming to play my game and move on." So long as the 37-year-old doesn't further violate MLB's Only Dopes Use Dope policy, he'll return to the big leagues next month. See Manny neither murder nor rape July 3 in San Diego for an Independence Weekend comeback against the Padres. He returns to Dodgertown 90090 on July 16 against the formidable-enough Houston Astros.