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Gwyneth Paltrow To Host 'GOOP Health' Conference In L.A. This June, Because Of Course She Will

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By Emma Specter

Step aside, World Health Organization, there's a new conclave of health-and-wellness experts in town, and they come bearing Sweetgreen salads and Moon Juice "spirit dust." Gwyneth Paltrow's infamous lifestyle brand Goop will host its first-ever 'wellness summit' in L.A. on June 10th, reports Vanity Fair.

Non-toxic manicures, crystal therapy and hydrating I.V. drips will be on offer at June's "In Goop Health" summit, according to the event site; the location for "In Goop Health" has been chosen but will not be released at this time, a Goop press rep told LAist, prompting us to speculate that it's somewhere super-secret and mystical, like an enchanted cave or the Bermuda Triangle. The summit's panels will feature an array of Goop acolytes, including Girls collaborators Lena Dunham and Jenni Konner, actresses Cameron Diaz and Nicole Richie, fitness trainer Tracy Anderson, fashion designer Tory Burch and "Clean Program" founder Dr. Alejandro Junger.

In news that will come as no surprise to anyone who's ever perused Goop's product list, tickets to the convention don't come cheap. Below, LAist has put together a guide to "In Goop Health"'s three-tiered ticket options (each tier is named for a different crystal, by the way), plus some equally-priced ideas for readers who aren't that into crystals and sound baths.

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"Lapis" ticket, $500:
- Access to every panel and keynote
- “Wellness activations” like crystal therapy and aura photography
- Clean and gourmet food and drinks from brands like Moon Juice and Tropicana Probiotics
- A $200 “adult goody bag” of Goop-endorsed products.

For $500, you could also:
- Buy an actual block of Afghanistan lapis on Ebay
- Pay off a whole classroom of kids' school-lunch debts
- Fill your pantry with 14 jars of Moon Juice Cordyceps powder
- Pay for exactly one-tenth of an all-inclusive spa weekend at Arizona's Canyon Ranch
- Ride the L.A. Metro exactly 285 times

"Amethyst" ticket, $1000: everything from "Lapis," plus:
- A cocktail reception with Gwyneth herself
- A foam-roller workout with "body whisperer" Lauren Roxburgh
- A mini-version of "The Class" led by founder Taryn Toomey
- A $350 "adult goody bag" of Goop-endorsed products

For $1000, you could also:
- Buy two actual amethysts
- Pay for two units toward a Nutritional Sciences degree at the University of Arizona
- Provide 10 rural women with access to health education through the German nonprofit URIDU
- Buy approximately 72 Walmart foam rollers
- Rent the 1998 Robert Redford film The Horse Whisperer on Amazon Prime 333 times (or 60 times in HD)

"Clear Quartz" ticket, $1500:
- Everything from "Lapis" and "Amethyst," plus:
- Private morning sound meditation class with Sara Auster, followed by Gwyneth's breakfast pick [wouldn't it be great if 'Gwyneth's breakfast pick' was a microwavable Jimmy Dean Sausage, Egg & Cheese biscuit?]
- Lunch with Gwyneth and select panelists, "curated" by Chef Seamus Mullen
- A set of Tumi luggage packed with $500 of Goop-endorsed products,
- 3 months of early access to new Goop releases
- Valet parking (this one's the kicker)

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For $1500, you could also:
- Buy seven 90mm clear quartz spheres
- Fly to to Chaiya, Thailand, to attend one of the Wat Suan Mokkh monastery's famed meditation retreats
- Stock your fridge with an approximately three-year supply of microwavable Jimmy Dean Sausage, Egg & Cheese biscuits
- Feed approximately 375 people at the Los Angeles Regional Food Bank
- Pay your half of the average L.A. rent for a two-bedroom apartment ($2978)
- Rent out your very own parking lot in Downtown LA

Heads up, Goopies — the $1,500 "Clear Quartz" ticket is already sold out, so don't sleep on the "Lapis" and "Amethyst."